I have this "friend"...

  1. I have this "friend" who is using me to lie to her husband. She claims she is unhappy in her marriage after finding out that he cheated on her. She has been back and forth with him several times, and she is currently back at home trying to "work things out." However, for the last year she has been cheating on him with another nursing classmate.

    At first, I supported her leaving her husband because of how unhappy she claimed to be. Then I told her she really needed to choose because this classmate is falling for her and he is a great guy. Then it became clear to me that she truly is playing the two of them, both believe she is happy as a clam because that is the attitude she portrays. So I decided to stay out of her business...I HATE drama and I have my own life to tend to.

    Now I do not go out with her when she is with this classmate. I do not ask her about her love life period, or her marriage. We meet for lunch, play tennis, go shopping, work together, etc. And this is good for me.

    My problem is this...she called the other day and asked if I had talked to her husband. I told her no. She says that she had lied to her husband and told him she was with me, when she was really with the other man. She said that she does this often. That infuriates me! :angryfire She already knows how I feel about the situation, so I don't feel like I need to harp on that. But I don't want her to use me as her excuse! Since she will continue to do it whether we are friends or not, I am on the fence whether to press the issue and ruin our friendship....because other than that...she is a really good friend. Any advice?
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  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   thumperRN
    No "friend" I know would abuse your trust like that. Sounds like a master manipulator to me. I would scrap this "friendship" in a hurry, it's only gonna cost you heartache. I would stay way out of her business with her relationships with others, but if her hubby calls you, and asks if his wife has been with you, be honest about it. If you start fibbing, you're both in the same boat. She needs to work out her troubles for herself and quit dragging you down with her. Perhaps ending this relationship with her will force her to fess up, which could be the "friendliest" thing you could do for her. I would also suggest some counseling to her - sounds as if she needs it. I'm not saying that you should abandon people in their time of need, but it sounds like she is just using you and everyone else to get her way. There is no excuse for INTENTIONALLY breaking someone's heart. I would get out of this "friendship" right now!!
  4. by   donsterRN
    Quote from asoldierswife05
    she is a really good friend. Any advice?
    I agree with Thumper... a "really good friend" wouldn't use you like this.
  5. by   NurseyBaby'05
    Especially if you already told her that you don't want to be put in that position. You say she knows how you feel about her situation, but did you spell out to her that you don't want to be used as her alibi? If not, tell her you resent being put on the spot like that and that you don't want it to happen again. If she continues to do so, then yes, the friendship has to end. A group of us went out and a friend brought a guy with us that was not her husband and put all of us in an awkward position. I asked her not to do that again and she didn't. We're still friends. Had she continued to do that to me or dh, that would have been the end for her and I.
  6. by   CHATSDALE
    this is a bad situation and one in which you will be the loser
    tell her it is time for her to be an adult and be honest with both of these men
  7. by   babynurselsa
    I would flat out tell her that you REFUSE to be drawn into this. Do not lie for her. Make sure that she knows that you wil not.
    I would evaluate how much this friendship means to you. I lost a dear friend one time in a similar situation. I just could not support her decisions and told her so.
  8. by   nurse4theplanet
    Quote from babynurselsa
    I would evaluate how much this friendship means to you.
    Maybe that is why I am on the fence about whether to make such a big deal about it. While what she is doing goes against my personal convictions and I believe that she should be honest with both men, choosing one or the other....I can separate her personal behavior from our friendship. While I consider her to be much more than an aquaintance, I would not consider her a 'best friend.' Like I said, she is great to 'hang out' with...shopping, tennis, lunch. But I rarely go to her with very personal issues, and I can not remember the last time I asked for any advice. It just makes me very mad that she is using me as her excuse in full knowledge of how I feel.

    Perhaps, I will let her know that if her husband does call me, then I am not going to lie. Maybe then she will stop using me and begin using someone else. This is truly the only issue I have with her, which is why it is so difficult for me. Maybe I am just silly for wanting her friendship, and I have other friends who are not cheating on their husbands, but I could find personal faults with them as well.......*sigh* I wish she hadn't complicated things.:trout:
  9. by   babynurselsa
    Unfortunately She is not separating your friendship from her personal issues.
    I bet you can count on being called into court to testify should this marriage end.
  10. by   thumperRN
    Quote from asoldierswife05
    ....I can separate her personal behavior from our friendship. While I consider her to be much more than an aquaintance, I would not consider her a 'best friend.' Like I said, she is great to 'hang out' with...shopping, tennis, lunch. But I rarely go to her with very personal issues, and I can not remember the last time I asked for any advice.
    First - she is not separating HER personal behavior from your friendship, and besides that most friendships are personal on some level. And if it's true that you wouldn't consider her a 'best friend' - just someone to hang out with and never get advice from, then it shouldn't be that much of a loss to terminate this relationship and make more meaningful ones with others who won't ask you to lie for them. Scary to think this girl is in nursing school - if she's this dishonest now, I hate to think of how dishonest she will be with patients..... meds... charting.... procedures..... sterile technique.... experience...
    YIKES!!!!! :uhoh21:
  11. by   SmilingBluEyes
    To be succinct (and possibly, repetitive), I would really strongly reconsider if this is really a "friend" at all. And then act accordingly. So easy for us "outsiders" to see and know what to do, so hard for us when we are the ones dealing with such things!

    Best of luck.

    PS : no "friend" of mine would put me in this position----if she did, she would not be in my life, or at least that close, for very long. I live by a simple rule that I have adapted in the last year:

    If a person fills my bucket, (and I theirs)--- I will do everything I can for him/her. If all he/she does is empty or drain it, then he/she is not worth my consideration or time of day. Like they say, life is way too short. And I am not getting any younger--as I age, I realize what really matters and what I should dump. No, not getting younger, just fatter, and wiser. ;-)
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Oct 10, '06
  12. by   nurse4theplanet
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    T So easy for us "outsiders" to see and know what to do, so hard for us when we are the ones dealing with such things!
    Very true. I know you all are right, and my gut tells me what is right...it's just hard. I guess I really just needed the reassurance! Thanks to all!
  13. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Quote from thumperRN
    No "friend" I know would abuse your trust like that. Sounds like a master manipulator to me. I would scrap this "friendship" in a hurry, it's only gonna cost you heartache. I would stay way out of her business with her relationships with others, but if her hubby calls you, and asks if his wife has been with you, be honest about it. If you start fibbing, you're both in the same boat. She needs to work out her troubles for herself and quit dragging you down with her. Perhaps ending this relationship with her will force her to fess up, which could be the "friendliest" thing you could do for her. I would also suggest some counseling to her - sounds as if she needs it. I'm not saying that you should abandon people in their time of need, but it sounds like she is just using you and everyone else to get her way. There is no excuse for INTENTIONALLY breaking someone's heart. I would get out of this "friendship" right now!!

    :yeahthat:
  14. by   BabyRN2Be
    I'm sorry that you are going through this, but you do have to consider your own moral values. If she asks you to cover for her and you do it, this would make you a liar as well. I hate to say it like that, and I hope you understand.

    It sounds like this friendship is not a healthy one. Not only is she stringing two guys along, she's using you as her backup plan or "alibi" for her actions. A true friend wouldn't put you in that situation. Who knows what she might be saying about you now, or what she'd say about you in the future if other troubles arise - I sort of feel that she could and would do this to you.

    I wish you the very best of luck in dealing with this situation. I understand you know her and she's a really good friend, but she's very manipulative, and you don't need that.

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