Yes, in the shower. I really did have an epiphany. And I think I can explain it, but I'm going to have trouble getting started. So please bear with me.
I think we've forgotten something really, really important. It is this: People who work for a living need somebody at home taking care of them. People who go out there and face strangers and bosses and customers and co-workers NEED somebody who "has their back" at home.
People at home need to have somebody go out and make the living. This is called symbiosis. I think that, most of the time, when this works as it's designed, it's very very good. The person who works outside the home feels supported and is able to relax and in turn support the person at home in more tangible and also intangible ways.
I think we all agree - especially if there are kids - that 99% of JOBS (think non-nursing mostly) are less WORK than staying at home and taking care of stuff and people. So the person who work comes home from work, having been pushed around by the boss and asked stupid questions by the customers or having to deal with the mistakes of the subordinates, and .....
Ahhhhh... home. Where people who love me live. There is someone who loves me who sees that I'm tired and frazzled and cares how my day went. And then we have supper that the home person has prepared, and then I'm feeling a bit rejuvinated and so I can and do help with the evening stuff around the house. I can enjoy being home and I can enjoy my kids and the things that my partner needs me to do.
This is getting long. I'm sorry.
When my father was alive, I never made him eat alone. Even breakfast. My husband has never had to have meals alone. One day I was at my daughter's nursery school and saw a little boy sitting alone in a high chair, eating his breakfast all by himself. Broke my heart!!!
But last night, my daughter.... My DAUGHTER!!!! My heart, my reason for living ... had to work late, and I was too tired to stay up and wait for her. She had a cold supper I'd left in the refrigerator and nobody to talk to and ask her about how come she'd had to "close" when she wasn't scheduled to do it in the first place.
Okay - that's my epiphany. That will never happen again. My own personal kid will never (well, as long as she lives in my house) have that sort of evening again. But what about the rest of us?
Don't you think that having a family in the OLD way is a civilizing influence? Nuclear family with a bread-earner and a home-maker. When Grandma got too old to take care of her own home, then she'd move in with us. Yeah, she can't handle everything, but she really likes to do the hemming and stuff like that. Listening to kids is another thing that grandmas do really well.
So... What do we do about it? That's the question. I am aware that a lot of people will disagree with me. But I don't think too many people will disagree that there was very little in the way of things like road rage, and people "going postal" at work when things were the old-fashioned way.
Jul 6, '02
Yes, Dennie, I agree. When both my hubby and I are so frazzled by outside forces that we can't find family time, the "something that has to give" is the outside force.
Recognizing that has saved our marriage and our sanity.
Jul 6, '02
How right you are! I have often said that I wish I were born 120 years ago. I know times were harder in some ways back then (no A/C, no computers, no electronic gadgets and appliances)...but they were SIMPLER and the world was KINDER and people cared about other people. We took care of our own...our own children, our own aging parents, our own neighborhood and our own community.
There is something to be said for the "good ol' days"....and we as a society may have alot of nice modern-day conveniences (including this computer and its' fast method of communication), but we as a society have also sacrificed alot to have it.
So I'm with you Dennie, the "balance" is off in our world today....I'm not sure we will ever get it back.....Stormy
Jul 6, '02
Thanks. I think I've thought about it from kind of "both" sides, and I know that it wasn't all roses in the olden days.
There were guys who were petty tyrants at home, and families that didn't plan well and the mother was left widowed and without job skills and without resources. I know it wasn't perfect.
And look at what families like mine would be like. My husband is a good and honest man. But he isn't "a provider." My family would live in poverty if we had to live on what he earns. Of course, on the other hand, if he didn't have the option of kicking back the way he has done, maybe he would have gone out there and made something of himself. I'll never know. I've carried him through our entire married life. I felt like I had to, but maybe I was thwarting HIS destiny.
But I just really and truly feel that my place in life as I lead it now isn't the way that I'm happiest and most fulfilled. I was really much more suited to be June Cleaver.
I think that if I was able to be the domestic goddess, and if I had a partner that appreciated and who complemented my attributes, I would be part of something that would approach magnificent..
Jul 6, '02
You forget that there are those of us that have never found the "right" person and are single.
It's sad, but I have eaten by myself for so long, I don't think that I would know any other way. I have gotten way too used to solitude.
Jul 7, '02
ive always eaten by myself..always been by myself....you guys are who i come to listen to and talk to after a long day...yall are my family
Jul 7, '02
Well, I have to kind of back-track here. There is a big difference between "alone" and "lonely." This is very true, and it's not really what I was talking about, but I think that from what I said, it maybe sounds like I think that this is the worst thing in the world.
I, personally, and I guess for myself, feel like having a close and probably intrusive family is the best arrangement for me. I know what when I was in my 30's and working in the music industry, NOBODY could understand how I could live in a teeny tiny little house and have FIVE people living there with one bathroom!!! I would blow off music industry events in order to go home and play with my kids. That was un-thinkable to the people I was working with. I sort of think that we do tend to design our own lives to suit ourselves, whether it's clear to us at the time or not.
I guess I'm an evolutionary throw-back.
I don't want babies to go to day care centers. I don't think that they are evil, but I think that every baby should be the most important and most beautiful and most intelligent baby in the world. I think it's important to the baby's development. And I think that the baby's development is important to the world. I guess I'm just very much a concrete thinker.
The women in my family tend to be the same as I am. My younger sisters both married much later in life than I did. Both of them lived with my grandmother and/or togther (depending on situations) until they married. Actually, my brothers lived together until they married, as well, and for a time one of my unmarried brothers lived with a married brother and his wife. Not a bum, mooching, but just an extended family situation.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I wrote as if I thought that not having somebody breathing down your neck as you take each bite is just horrible. I just was making a point that I think life is easier if you work, if you have somebody taking care of you at home.
Jul 7, '02
Oh Dennie...I truly liked reading your comments here. I like the way you think.
I wish I had come from the kind of family you speak of, but I didn't. Life was hard for me as a child, but I made sure my children's lives were so much better than mine. Today, we have that kind of closeness...at a distance of course since we live in different states right now. I look forward to my husband exiting the Army just so we can live closer to the kids and grandkids.
Many many times, I want to come back to Earth as an infant again, only next time as the child of a very loving compassionate family where I can have a real chance at being loved as a child.
I want a real daddy to love and be close to, and a mother who would fight to her death to protect her children from harm. I want a daddy that will be proud to call me daughter, and I proud to call him Dad.
I may not get that chance...only God knows what my future holds...including the hereafter. All I can do is move onward and upward and enjoy the moments of life as I have them now. Thanks for sharing your epiphany with us. :kiss
Last edit by live4today on Jul 7, '02
Jul 8, '02
epiphanies are truly great when they come to you and thx for sharing.......
and for all
yes, there is a difference between being alone and lonely.....
there is something to be said to having someone care for you.......
biggest thing to remember for me is to care for #1, me!!!!! whatever it takes.............
this doesn't discount any of the people in my life and some very dear and close to me, but i must be #1 or it doesn't work.........
slow learner micro.............
love you nursedennie.....
keep on posting.........
love to all
Jul 8, '02
Isn't it funny how so many of our mothers stayed home and felt 'trapped' but nowadays women who work and are expected to 'do it all' are wishing for the life of June Cleaver.
I have worked for 30 odd years and am home for the first time in my life and really don't know what to do with myself....but I'm finding my hubby is glad to have a nice dinner and a hug when he comes in the door...he likes having me home. Funny, eh?
Jul 8, '02
Ahh, NurseDennie, your post made me teary-eyed. Now I know why I cry like a big old fat baby when my folks come out here to visit and then leave to go back to Ohio.
I do have to say that even when I was married, I had the feeling of emptiness when I got home. I hated coming home. And when I realized WHY I hated coming home that's when I had my epiphany - I was not getting the same feeling of comfort and warmth as I did when I came home when I was living with Mom and Dad, NOR when I was single in my own apartment! I'm sure others who have been through a divorce and a rotten marriage know what I'm talking about.
Now, years later, it's just Emma and I. Our home is our sanctuary. My big old 13 year old Rottweiler doesn't jump up to greet us like he did when he was a puppy - no, he remains lying on the floor and looks over at us as if to say, "Hey girls, everything is kosher here, hope you had a great day, you look mahvelous. Come give me a scratch, okay? Love ya!"
Sure, someday I'd love to have a big burly manly man at home to cook for and fawn over (yeah, I'm from that old school also) who loves us to pieces, but for now, we're doing good.... :angel2:
Last edit by LasVegasRN on Jul 8, '02
Jul 8, '02
I agree with you, it is a comforting, reassuring feeling to come home to someone who loves you after a long day of stress, abuse and hassle.
It is also reassuring and empowering to be someone who can provide this comfort to another, to be there for someone to come home to.
My partner and I both work different hours and alternate these roles and it is symbiotic, to support one another
Jul 8, '02
Because of my age and family situation growing up (youngest by 10 years) having someone around me at all times is something I have learned to do without. Not that my parents weren't there; just that there was peace and quiet often when I came home from school or out playing.
Dennine, the interaction you describe with your kids is essential. My parents always spent time with me, and the leaving of cooked food for loved ones is so special. It means you were all really there, just not at the same time, that time. I used to feel silly when my mom would save me a plate on the side if I was late for dinner - but now I love her all the more for the memories you helped to invoke of saved dinners I enjoyed. Wow.
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