I need some help from anyone who may be in a similar situation or has been in a similar situation. I have been married for the past 5 years (just celebrated 5 year anniversary). I am also a first semester new nursing school
student and mom of a 4 year old. At any rate my situation is this-
when I was first married five years ago I ran across some pics of women on my computer (none of whom I knew). I got a little supicious and after further digging and investigating I found out my husband was chatting with some women online and those particular women sent him pics. He had a seperate email account that I was able to access (I called aol, pretended I was him and since I knew all of his information I was able to get them to reset the password to one I made up). After getting in again I found emails that he had written requesting pics. One email struck me as odd. It was from a woman who had said somthing like "long time, no see". I could never figure out weather it meant that they met or if it meant they just chatted online. I did however find her cell number on his cell bill (I don't even remember how I put it together that it was hers, but I did and he admitted it). Anyway, after many tears and promises he said he never physically cheated, but since I had been denying him sex felt like he needed to chat with someone online (keep in mind I was many months preganant at this time and I just did not have the energy to do it as much as he wanted, but I did oblige at times). He agreed to get rid of the email account and never to do it again. Fast forward 3 years later-- we had just moved and I was unpacking and all of a sudden these shorts fell out of a box and outside of the pocket of the shorts a condom came falling out. Again, I confronted him and he admitted to cheating very early on in our marriage 3 years ago. I let it go, not because I believed anything that came out of his lying cheating mouth, but because I had just lost my job and at that point I needed him to keep paying the bills. Keep in mind we also have a son who just adores his dad and to tell my son that his dad and I were spilting would just break my son's little heart. Fast forward 6 months later we get a new computer and low and behold I see an entire seperate Yahoo log on. I asked him about it and he said one of his buddies set it up for their fantasy football. He told me to check to see if their was a mailbox set up on it and there was not. Well at any rate I did not have the code to access it, but I did not make a big stink about it. I thought it was strange, but at this point I just did not feel like dealing with what it could be. Now, fast forward to yesterday. I had horrible pains in the side and in my abdomen and I asked my husband to take me to the ER. He did and he sat with me (until he told me he had to stop home for a sec-claimed his stomach was hurting). He came right back and waiting for me to get tests. Finally, it turns out I had kidney stones and was passing them. We leave the ER and he goes out to get my pain meds. I happen to get on the computer and he never logged out of his private account. I find out he has a hotmail account. I can't access it, but he does not know that. He is stunned when I call him and tell him he forgot to log out. The first thing he says is that I should not be scrolling through his stuff because he does not do that to me (I just blow that foolish statement off). I ask him about it and he keeps trying to get me to admit what I saw. My point to him is that if nothing was there he would not even need to ask me that. Of course he gives me his BS about being denied sex ( blah, blah, blah). Let me tell you guys that I am no prude. I have no problem with him checking out dirty sites and even watching movies. It does not bother me. What does bother me is him chatting or emailing other women given his track record. Now, my even bigger issue is that I am in nursing school and I only work part time. If I leave now I might have to defer (possibly even abandon all together) my goal of becoming a nurse. I need his money and his medical benefits. At this point I don't even know if I am emotionally equipped to explain to my son that his dad and I might be seperating. At this point I am so frazzled that I want to quit my job and my internship (for Grad school) that I am doing and just go crawl under a rock. I am open to the idea of seperating, but I know my husband would never agree to go without taking his financial support with him. I thought about maybe going to stay with my mom and let him stay at the house, but then family gets involved and I am not up to even dealing with my family. Also, I am concerned that my husband may even have some sort of sexual addiction. I know it sounds crazy and when I bring it up to him he makes me feel like I am crazy, but I just don't understand his behavior. The other thing that he is constantly doing is masterbating (sorry if I spelled this wrong). It has gotten so bad that he will do it early in the morning and if I come downstairs to go to the kitchen I catch him. It's like as soon as a I go out of the house for a second he runs to do that. It has been so bad that we have been at home together and he will just stop in middle of watching TV or doing something and excuse himself to go upstairs and take care of "it". It has gotten to the point that when I come home I jiggle my keys in the door extra loud just to warn him that I am coming so I don'thave to catch him. I hate to put my biz out, but I just don't know what to do. I am crying at work as I type this. I just hate feeling like I have have to tolerate this **** because I need his financial support. I just don't want to have to quit nursing school to get a job to leave him. Nursing shcool means the world to me.
Oct 10, '06
I am so sorry to hear you have to deal with this right now. If you really want to save your marriage, get to a therapist right now. If you don't care all that much, put the therapy/marriage thing on hold and concentrate on school and sort that mess out when you have the time. I would not leave right now unless things are horrible or abusive. If you are civil to one another, just having a live-in babysitter is worthwhile until you graduate. I would tell him there have to be some rules about when and where he masturbates (not in front of the child, behind a locked door, etc.).
Last edit by firstyearstudent on Oct 10, '06
Oct 10, '06
It is hard to prove and secure a divorce based on adultery in our no-fault divorce society---Personally, I would not waste time and money trying to prove adultery alone. (personal experience considered).
Besides, you have listed myriad reasons that justify moving on. Get some good legal advice, and perhaps, counseling. You need and deserve it.
Then, if it were me, I would just cut the ties as quickly and with as little pain as possible cause, let me tell you, life is TOO SHORT for these Shenanigans. Then really DO move on.
Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Oct 10, '06
Oct 10, '06
Quote from asoldierswife05
One of the OPs concerns is whether she should drop out of school or continue with her dream of nursing, which stems from the marital issues within the post. Does that not qualify to be in the nursing student discussion? I see she is not a premium member and will not be able to post here.
It is a hard thing, yes, to decide where this particular thread does belong. The main reason this thread was relocated, is, it is not germane to nursing study/student nursing concerns
, per se, but more a general request for advice. However, I will submit your concerns for this, to the moderator team for discussion and possible reconsideration.
I hope this helps.
Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Oct 10, '06