Husaband may be cheating-do I stay or go?

  1. Hello--

    I need some help from anyone who may be in a similar situation or has been in a similar situation. I have been married for the past 5 years (just celebrated 5 year anniversary). I am also a first semester new nursing school student and mom of a 4 year old. At any rate my situation is this-

    when I was first married five years ago I ran across some pics of women on my computer (none of whom I knew). I got a little supicious and after further digging and investigating I found out my husband was chatting with some women online and those particular women sent him pics. He had a seperate email account that I was able to access (I called aol, pretended I was him and since I knew all of his information I was able to get them to reset the password to one I made up). After getting in again I found emails that he had written requesting pics. One email struck me as odd. It was from a woman who had said somthing like "long time, no see". I could never figure out weather it meant that they met or if it meant they just chatted online. I did however find her cell number on his cell bill (I don't even remember how I put it together that it was hers, but I did and he admitted it). Anyway, after many tears and promises he said he never physically cheated, but since I had been denying him sex felt like he needed to chat with someone online (keep in mind I was many months preganant at this time and I just did not have the energy to do it as much as he wanted, but I did oblige at times). He agreed to get rid of the email account and never to do it again. Fast forward 3 years later-- we had just moved and I was unpacking and all of a sudden these shorts fell out of a box and outside of the pocket of the shorts a condom came falling out. Again, I confronted him and he admitted to cheating very early on in our marriage 3 years ago. I let it go, not because I believed anything that came out of his lying cheating mouth, but because I had just lost my job and at that point I needed him to keep paying the bills. Keep in mind we also have a son who just adores his dad and to tell my son that his dad and I were spilting would just break my son's little heart. Fast forward 6 months later we get a new computer and low and behold I see an entire seperate Yahoo log on. I asked him about it and he said one of his buddies set it up for their fantasy football. He told me to check to see if their was a mailbox set up on it and there was not. Well at any rate I did not have the code to access it, but I did not make a big stink about it. I thought it was strange, but at this point I just did not feel like dealing with what it could be. Now, fast forward to yesterday. I had horrible pains in the side and in my abdomen and I asked my husband to take me to the ER. He did and he sat with me (until he told me he had to stop home for a sec-claimed his stomach was hurting). He came right back and waiting for me to get tests. Finally, it turns out I had kidney stones and was passing them. We leave the ER and he goes out to get my pain meds. I happen to get on the computer and he never logged out of his private account. I find out he has a hotmail account. I can't access it, but he does not know that. He is stunned when I call him and tell him he forgot to log out. The first thing he says is that I should not be scrolling through his stuff because he does not do that to me (I just blow that foolish statement off). I ask him about it and he keeps trying to get me to admit what I saw. My point to him is that if nothing was there he would not even need to ask me that. Of course he gives me his BS about being denied sex ( blah, blah, blah). Let me tell you guys that I am no prude. I have no problem with him checking out dirty sites and even watching movies. It does not bother me. What does bother me is him chatting or emailing other women given his track record. Now, my even bigger issue is that I am in nursing school and I only work part time. If I leave now I might have to defer (possibly even abandon all together) my goal of becoming a nurse. I need his money and his medical benefits. At this point I don't even know if I am emotionally equipped to explain to my son that his dad and I might be seperating. At this point I am so frazzled that I want to quit my job and my internship (for Grad school) that I am doing and just go crawl under a rock. I am open to the idea of seperating, but I know my husband would never agree to go without taking his financial support with him. I thought about maybe going to stay with my mom and let him stay at the house, but then family gets involved and I am not up to even dealing with my family. Also, I am concerned that my husband may even have some sort of sexual addiction. I know it sounds crazy and when I bring it up to him he makes me feel like I am crazy, but I just don't understand his behavior. The other thing that he is constantly doing is masterbating (sorry if I spelled this wrong). It has gotten so bad that he will do it early in the morning and if I come downstairs to go to the kitchen I catch him. It's like as soon as a I go out of the house for a second he runs to do that. It has been so bad that we have been at home together and he will just stop in middle of watching TV or doing something and excuse himself to go upstairs and take care of "it". It has gotten to the point that when I come home I jiggle my keys in the door extra loud just to warn him that I am coming so I don'thave to catch him. I hate to put my biz out, but I just don't know what to do. I am crying at work as I type this. I just hate feeling like I have have to tolerate this **** because I need his financial support. I just don't want to have to quit nursing school to get a job to leave him. Nursing shcool means the world to me.
    Last edit by EricJRN on Oct 10, '06 : Reason: Language edited per TOS
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  2. 26 Comments

  3. by   nurse4theplanet
    I have two friends in your position.

    Friend #1 is in her twenties with no children. She is staying with her hubby until she finishes next semester, then she says she is out the door.

    Friend #2 is in her fifties and was a SAH mom for 25 yrs. She confronted her hubby and told him that he was putting her through nursing school whether he liked it or not, otherwise she would take him for everything he is worth (he is a pilot for a major shipping company)

    These women are doing what they have to in order to get on their own two feet. I can not imagine how difficult it is for them to stay, but in the end, they will have the last laugh.

    My advice would be leave, take out loans, live with your parents or a friend...but I don't have children and I have never been in such a situation.

    You will be in my prayers.
  4. by   chelli73
    In my opinion your husband is a cheater and a liar. Whether or not you get through nursing school, you will end up having to leave him anyway. Think of school as your ultimate tool (weapon?) to survive this inevitable seperation. DO NOT GIVE UP SCHOOL. Keep your head up and keep going to work/school. Do whatever you have to do to survive this, even if it means going to family for help. You are going to face some humiliation through this no matter if family is aware or not. Are you not feeling it now? Your son needs you to be strong for him to see that even though marriages don't work out, he has a strong mother. What can you do about alimony, child support, etc? Please talk to a lawyer, try to get your husband on grounds of adultery. Get that support from him, and if you can't get it, then chalk that one up until you get the help you need from family/friends to finish school. GOOD LUCK in any choice you make. Seek counseling for your hurt, you sound like you could use it. I have been through a similiar situation, but my ex is a drug addict--similiar to sex addict only far more expensive. I stuck it out and finished school all the while raising my three kids alone. I did it with three, you can do it with one. Be strong....

    PS- your OP will most definitely get edited, read the TOS (terms of service), but don't let that discourage you from coming here, there are many, many useful resources here for aspiring nurses. I wish you all the best.
  5. by   wannabe07
    I am sorry about your situation. My mother was cheated on and it makes me sick to think about cheaters!
    The first thing you should do is seek some counseling. Together would be best but if he refuses to go, you definitely should seek some for yourself!
    I agree that this will be tough for your son however even though you may not realize it, he will feel the effects of the tension between you and your husband. Kids are smart, they get it when things aren't the way they are supposed to be. It will be tough for you to leave the house and financially it would be difficult but I wouldn't let that spoil your dream. There are plenty of loans out there, it can be done. If it were me I would fight for the house! After all, you aren't the one who did anything wrong. I am so sorry for your situation. Best of luck! Thoughts and prayers are with you.
  6. by   firstyearstudent
    I am so sorry to hear you have to deal with this right now. If you really want to save your marriage, get to a therapist right now. If you don't care all that much, put the therapy/marriage thing on hold and concentrate on school and sort that mess out when you have the time. I would not leave right now unless things are horrible or abusive. If you are civil to one another, just having a live-in babysitter is worthwhile until you graduate. I would tell him there have to be some rules about when and where he masturbates (not in front of the child, behind a locked door, etc.).
    Last edit by firstyearstudent on Oct 10, '06
  7. by   sayalittleprayer
    Thanks for the good advice. I never even thought about seeing a lawyer to see if I could get him on adultery. I guess through all my tears I could not even think clearly. Right now I just want a reprieve from him. I would love for him to just offer to go stay at his mom's house for a couple of weeks until I could just my head on straight. He would never do that though. Actually, I am tempted to call his mom and tell her about everything he has done. I want the world to know what scum he is. I also think she would try and convice him to leave for a bit. I have my issues with her, but for the most part she tends to be rational. I am going to at least start with calling a lawyer. My husband works for a government agency so if he won't pay I know it's pretty easy to get his check docked. I just don't know how long it would take to get the ball rolling and I have to live until then. I may just have to suck it up until I can find out about getiing alimony/child support. If I have to stay then maybe I can find solace in the fact that as soon as I am done with school I can kick his slimy (you know what) out of the freaking door. I just don't get how you could jepordize your family for somethng like this. I have had thoughts of cheating (for revenge) and the thing that always stops me is that I don't want to do that to my kid. I guess I don't get how he does not get it. I also don't get how I never figured out he was like this before I married him. Maybe love made me blind, but I would have never guessed. It sucks that I have to feel this way. Get this-- I am the bad guy because I don't trust him. From now on he says he will stay in the house and not go out so I can trust him again. Does he think I would want him under me? His nerve is unbeliveable. Tomorrow is my first day of clinical (7AM) and I have to try and get a good night's sleep with this on my mind. I just can't believe that I did nothing wrong, but somehow this is my fault. When I was on my way out the door he says to me maybe we should just seperate since I can't trust him and he does not know how to make me trust him. He also gets mad because I don't tell him our son's plan for the day - "He is still our son isn't he"? Where was all that concern when you were out doing what you were doing?
  8. by   BSNtobe2009
    If it were me, the "shop would be closed" to him permanently. I would stop checking his e-mails, don't have sex with him but keep acting like Mary sunshine until you finish nursing school.

    Then the day you get back from graduation, call your attorney.

    Meanwhile, I would check with an attorney locally so you can "make plans"...get a PO Box, start setting up checking accounts, get credit cards in your name only (too many women that are married have everything in their husband's name), get a storage unit and start taking your most valuable posessions (you never know how someone will react).

    In the end sweetie, you'll have the last laugh.

    I personally, never, ever believe that people stay married JUST because they have children. You marriage should set an example of what kind of marriage you would want for your own child..a cheating husband, a liar, and parents that fight isn't it.
  9. by   GeminiTwinRN
    I'm sorry, but having a live in babysitter who has to constantly pleasure himself and is probably spending as much time as possible online while the wife is away doesn't sound like a responsible person who can take care of a child.

    I certainly feel sorry for you, and I hope that you are able to do what is best for you and your son. I'm not sure how successful you can be in nursing school while you are enduring this type of behavior at home. I went through a divorce the Fall before I was admitted to the nursing program, and as a single mom, I am now getting ready for graduation in Dec.!! It can be done. It hasn't been easy, and I don't have any family near me to help with childcare. My ex wasn't the type of individual you describe, and I can trust him with our son.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you luck, and I am saying prayers for you and your son.

    ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
  10. by   EricJRN
    Thread moved to The Break Room for non-nursing topics.
  11. by   NaomieRN
    I am sorry about your situation. Is there anyway you can take him to a restaurant, some place quiet and really tell him how you feel? Try to talk to him before you seek legal separation.
  12. by   nurse4theplanet
    Quote from EricEnfermero
    Thread moved to The Break Room for non-nursing topics.
    One of the OPs concerns is whether she should drop out of school or continue with her dream of nursing, which stems from the marital issues within the post. Does that not qualify to be in the nursing student discussion? I see she is not a premium member and will not be able to post here.
  13. by   SmilingBluEyes
    It is hard to prove and secure a divorce based on adultery in our no-fault divorce society---Personally, I would not waste time and money trying to prove adultery alone. (personal experience considered).

    Besides, you have listed myriad reasons that justify moving on. Get some good legal advice, and perhaps, counseling. You need and deserve it.

    Then, if it were me, I would just cut the ties as quickly and with as little pain as possible cause, let me tell you, life is TOO SHORT for these Shenanigans. Then really DO move on.
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Oct 10, '06
  14. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Quote from asoldierswife05
    One of the OPs concerns is whether she should drop out of school or continue with her dream of nursing, which stems from the marital issues within the post. Does that not qualify to be in the nursing student discussion? I see she is not a premium member and will not be able to post here.
    It is a hard thing, yes, to decide where this particular thread does belong. The main reason this thread was relocated, is, it is not germane to nursing study/student nursing concerns, per se, but more a general request for advice. However, I will submit your concerns for this, to the moderator team for discussion and possible reconsideration.

    I hope this helps.

    deb
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Oct 10, '06

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