Hubby is blue, need some ideas.

  1. Hey everyone,

    My husband is a wonderful, kind loving man, and he has been kind of down in the dumps the last few days. His dad passed in Oct, and even though he knows it was a blessing since his dad had suffered a long illness, he seems to just be touching on his grief for the first time. I think the holidays started it. I know I lost my dad when I was 18 (20 some odd years ago) and the first few years at the holidays, the loss was pretty painful. I wish there was something more I could do for him, he normally loves Christmas time and doing all the usual things. He just isn't into it this year and I kind of expected this to happen.

    I think I am going to call the hospice tomorrow to see if they have any suggestions. Anyone have any ideas? I just feel helpless in this position. I know he has to go through all these stages, and I am here for him, whatever he may need, I just wish I knew if there was anything different I could or should be doing.

    Peace All--
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  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   Lisa CCU RN
    I"m sorry to hear this. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
  4. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    Try to find goofy picture of him. I know it's not the same, but this helps me laugh about Grandma, when i look at the picture of a dignified family, smiling, and there's GRandma in the middle, smiling, and her slip showing, where it had slid down about 6 inches due to lack of elasticity. (which happened ALL the time since she would wear them for YEARS)
  5. by   elthia
    Quote from Marie_LPN
    Try to find goofy picture of him. I know it's not the same, but this helps me laugh about Grandma, when i look at the picture of a dignified family, smiling, and there's GRandma in the middle, smiling, and her slip showing, where it had slid down about 6 inches due to lack of elasticity. (which happened ALL the time since she would wear them for YEARS)

    I agree. Sometimes it helps to remember the not quite so serious happenings. My thoughts are with you.
  6. by   danu3
    Quote from LoriRN2B
    Hey everyone,

    Anyone have any ideas? I just feel helpless in this position. I know he has to go through all these stages, and I am here for him, whatever he may need, I just wish I knew if there was anything different I could or should be doing.

    Peace All--
    Take a look at http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/thecentre/ Nose around as they have some articles here and there. Take a look at
    http://www.billwilsoncenter.org/thec...resources.html also

    Janet who teaches lots of the classes was a nurse also.

    You can call or email (I think they have an email...)

    -Dan
  7. by   Jessy_RN
    So sorry to read this. It will take time, so being his first holiday season without him, he should be able to mourn him. Stand by his side and encourage him. Best wishes to you both.
  8. by   Katnip
    We lost our son last October, so I know how rough the holiday season is for your husband.

    Just let him grieve. Don't expect him to participate a lot in festivities, but do go ahead and do some things, but don't go all out. You can buy a smaller tree. Or get a tree and decorate it to match the one you have at home.

    You don't mention if you have kids or not. If you do, you'll have to balance the two, which won't be easy.

    I am sincerely sorry for your husband and your family.

    ~Kat
  9. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I think cyberkat is right-on. There is not any cutting corners in the grieving process, just have to go through it. If you feel he is becoming increasingly depressed, you should urge him to get some help with that. I wish you well---I am so sorry.
  10. by   nurse4theplanet
    I am sorry for your loss. My father recently lost his mother and became very emotional, referring to himself as an orphan. He has had his ups and downs since the holiday season began.

    My best advice is to encourage him to express his feelings when he feels comfortable and help him thru the grieving process. Sometimes we feel we should be 'doing something more' but in reality the best support is a comforting hug and a willing ear.

    Once he is thru the initial shock and anger, help him with the acceptance phase by assisting him to focus on what he has, and not what he has lost. Be patient and God Bless You both.
  11. by   Tweety
    I'm sorry. I think you're doing just fine by allowing him his space to grieve without expectation. Good luck.
  12. by   live4today
    (((((((Lori and dh))))))) :icon_hug: Everyone has offered you excellent advice thus far. I would just follow your dh's lead with whatever he wants to do with the family this year. Maybe he would like to "downsize" Christmas a tad, maybe he would like to celebrate his dad and all he meant to him in a different way. Talk with him...get his ideas on what he'd like to do...then support him. You may have to sacrifice what you want to do for Christmas to make him more comfortable and close to you right now, but it sounds like you love him enough (and he you) to do this for him. My prayers are with you both.
  13. by   WickedRedRN
    Thank you so much everyone, at least it is good to know that I am on the right track with things. We do have a 5 year old daughter, so I do have to balance her excitement of things. We did put our tree up, but did not decorate outdoors, nor did we do the entire house as we normally do. Brian usually has a lot fun at Christmas, he loves to decorate and seriously enjoys getting gifts for everyone. He is really thoughtful about what he gives people, but the other night he asked me for a list of gift ideas because his heart just isn't in it right now. I know you all don't know him, but trust me, this is not like him. He had so much fun last year doing the Santa things for our daughter, but I think I will be picking that up this year.

    I am trying to think of special things to do with him to honor his Dad this year. When I lived in my hometown, I used to take a rose and put it on my Dad's grave every Christmas eve. Now that I live so far away I cannot do so, but still take a flower up when I am home. That simple act of rememberance was such a comfort to me when everything was new. It let me spend time thinking of Dad, the great times, and just to think on how much I missed him.

    Thanks so much again..
  14. by   Marie_LPN, RN
    I am trying to think of special things to do with him to honor his Dad this year.
    Why not take a rose, put one of those testtube-like water vases on the end, and tie it to the front of the tree, with a little picture, note or poem attached?

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