How to Survive a Horror Movie

  1. got this in an email today.

    if i added #36 it would be: put some curtains on your darn windows! (28 days later, anyone? )

    how to survive a horror movie

    1. never drink or do drugs. and for god's sake stay a virgin!

    2. never say: "i'll be right back."

    3. always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

    4. when you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous, turn the bloody lights on!

    5. if you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

    6. big boobs and blonde hair are a death wish.

    7. don't fool with recombinant dna technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

    8. if you find a town which looks deserted, it probably is deserted and for a good reason. take the hint and stay away.

    9. as a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to hell.

    10. never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

    11. if you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

    12. always check the back seat of your car.

    13. if on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. it may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.

    14. if you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any person warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.

    15. anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. especially on the spot where the event took place. most especially on even century anniversaries. and certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.

    16. if your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!

    17. kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. they will eventually get you killed.

    18. never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom -- and often in a horribly gory way.

    19. go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.

    20. nothing is ever over if it is still dark out.

    21. take heed of all warnings from animals and children. they usually know more than you do.

    22. never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased. your only way out will be to jump.

    never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.

    24. never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. it guarantees that you have no future.

    25. when it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

    26. never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

    27. do not take anything from the dead.

    28. stay away from certain geographical locations. such as: amityville, elm street, transylvania, nilbog, the bermuda triangle or any small town in maine.

    29. beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions.

    never say: "who's there?"

    31. remember: showing skin = death.

    32. always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

    33. never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

    34. when battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. if you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. there's no hope for you anyway.

    listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   compassion1
    Good ones. I don't like any horror films. I'm a big chicken. and I prefer sweet dreams. But I keep your warnings in mind in case I meet a monster.
  4. by   Thunderwolf
    #37 Never fall asleep in the bath tub or you will be pulled down a large drain hole.
  5. by   Thunderwolf
    Yes....all these are true, so very true!....and that is why we watch even the silliest of horror flicks, biting our nails, telling ourselves...."yep, he/she is gonna get it....broke rule #27....yep, a goner." We just can't believe how stupid sometimes people can be in these flicks.

    Excellent thread. The rules had me so laughing out loud, I scared my cat.
  6. by   Sabby_NC
    LOL Hysterical

    #38 Never answer the phone because you KNOW they are going to be in the house Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

    #12 I actually do sometimes :uhoh21: LOL
  7. by   Sabby_NC
    Quote from Thunderwolf
    Yes....all these are true, so very true!....and that is why we watch even the silliest of horror flicks, biting our nails, telling ourselves...."yep, he/she is gonna get it....broke rule #27....yep, a goner." We just can't believe how stupid sometimes people can be in these flicks.

    Excellent thread. The rules had me so laughing out loud, I scared my cat.

    LOL Thunderwolf have you managed to get the cat off the ceiling yet?
  8. by   Sabby_NC
    #39 If there is a pool of blood on the floor and a half open door behind it. DON'T open the door and walk in going hello!!
    Ummmmmm good time to phone the police LOL
  9. by   donsterRN

    #40. Never talk back to the voices that are talking to you. Just nod silently and get the hell out...

    #41. Don't collect dolls or stuffed toys. They'll turn on you...

    #42. Never go investigating the source of any loud noise...

    And referring to #28: Avoid vacationing anywhere near a place called Crystal Lake, and for God's sake, don't go camping...
  10. by   Sabby_NC
    #43 Don't use a glass and a board in the same game. If so watch out for weird movements of said glass and freakish ghosts appearing!!

    #44 Be aware of any mirror that has Your Dead or KILL written across it in blood :uhoh21:

    #45 If you see fog, hear skeery noises and a wolf baying ruuunnnnnnn
  11. by   zooz
    You all have some good ones!

    #46 Never name your kid "Damien."

    #48 If you see Tom Cruise wearing a cape, run your butt straight out of Louisiana. (On second thought, if you see Tom Cruise under any conditions at all: Run!)

    #49 If you're ever in a Rob Zombie film, you might as well save yourself the energy and give up now. You most likely will not make it through alive no matter how much you beg!

    #50 Remember: Clowns are never a good sign.
  12. by   nyapa
    Oh these are so good.
    # 51. Never agree to housesit; particularly in an isolated place such as in a hotel in the middle of winter

    # 52. Never rent a house that was owned by an old Matron of a hospital (we're in one and DH swears that bad luck and doors slamming happen when the place is not tidy...)

    # 53. Don't walk over hallowed ground, especially if you have been warned away from it...

    PS. Has anyone ever seen a movie called 'Sean of the Dead'? I hate horror movies, but this one is a bit of a spoof, so while I cringed I still had a laugh. It's English...
  13. by   nrsang97
    Shaun of the Dead is hysterical. Not much for horror movies myself but I really liked this one.
  14. by   zooz
    I love Shaun of the Dead!

    "Who died and made you king of the zombies?"