How to say "NO!" without saying it.

  1. My girlfriend just asked me for $600...It is really not a lot of $$$$. However, I don't want to help her this way. I want her to spend her money wisely. But if I say "No!" to her....this will hurt her feeling. Her father does not want to help her....leaving me the only person who can help her.
    Anyone right here can give me an advice is greatly appreciated....
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  2. 16 Comments

  3. by   WickedRedRN
    Well, you could always say you don't really have $600.00 to spare? Explain to her you have a budget and have to remain in it to manage your money wisely. Perhaps you could offer to help her set up a budget for herself?
  4. by   P_RN
    Hi Chuck. Is she a girl who is a friend, a friend who is a girl or what? Six hundred is a lot of money to me at least. Is she good for it? Would you be ok with it if she never paid it back? Would she honor an IOU? Otherwise if you don't want to-then don't. If you do then could you make it a gift? Is it for important/urgent expenses like rent? medical? or is it for a new pair of shoes or a tanning bed contract? You are the only one who can make this decision.
  5. by   ZASHAGALKA
    The only way to say no is to say no.

    You can lie about why the answer is no. You can explain why. But no is no.

    The real question is this: is the value of the "lesson" you want to teach worth more to you than the dynamics of the relationship that can be forever damaged by your desire to teach this lesson, in this way?

    It doesn't sound to me like you think the 600 is too much money. And it DID sound to me like it is a girl that you care about at least enough to be interested in her ability to manage her finances better, either for herself, or in context to her future relationship with you.

    I would give, not loan, her the money, if it truly isn't a huge impact on your budget. THEN, and ONLY THEN, you will have the good will (or obligation from her) to discuss better money management. Maybe agree as a stipulation, not repayment, but that she enroll in a money management course, one you could take together in order to be able to 'discuss' the lessons.

    Otherwise, demanding that your GF learn from the 'school of hard knocks' is not very loving, if you ask me. Standing by while someone you profess to love takes a fall in order to 'teach them a lesson' is truly 'tough love'. I'm not against the concept of 'tough love', when it comes to say, wayward children, etc. Sometimes, it IS necessary to learn lessons the hard way. However, BF/GF relationships are generally not permanent enough to withstand such stresses.

    There are other ways to learn such lessons. Or more to the point, there are other ways for YOU to be the facilitator of such lessons, ways less damaging to a relationship.

    This is presuming, as you suggested, that it's not really about the money. If you don't have that much money to just give away, then you shouldn't loan it out, either.

    I will say this. I was in a similar situation once. I dated a girl that was always in need of financial assistance. She wasn't a poor money manager so much as she was trying to support a child on entry level jobs without assistance. That's what happens when you have a child out of H.S., stay at home, and find yourself by yourself raising a kid with no marketable experience at age 25. I never loaned her a penny, but I did 'give' her several hundred dollars over the course of the relationship; money I never asked to get back and never expected back. Ultimately, we DID break up, not because I was helping her financially all the time, but because I came to believe that that financial assistance with what she valued in me as a relationship the most. I had no problem with it being A reason to be together, from her perspective. However, it couldn't be THE reason, and I ultimately decided that it was increasingly THE reason. Not that I blame her, just, it wasn't a good basis for a long-term relationship.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    Last edit by ZASHAGALKA on May 9, '07
  6. by   muffie
    nope nada no thanks no can do not gonna happen
  7. by   leslie :-D
    i would need more information before any advice is dispensed.
    is she a 'new' girlfriend, where you may be afraid of losing her if you say no?
    would she actually be hurt or rather, angry, if you said no directly?
    truthfully, saying no w/o actually saying it, is somewhat passive-aggressive.
    in my relationship(s), i prefer to be more direct and truthful, followed by an explanation and clarification.
    a simple, "i'm sorry but i just can't....this purchase just seems so frivolous" should suffice.
    best of luck in resolving this.

    leslie
  8. by   canoehead
    "I have a policy that I don't lend money to friends, I've lost a lot of good friendships because of money issues in the past."

    If she has decent credit and needs the money badly enough she can get it from other sources.
  9. by   zuzi
    Your message is only partial and didn’t give us much information. You told us about “my girl friend” and start after that, each of yours sentences with “HER”. Why “her” sweet pie if is “my” girl friend? To understand that is “My-girlfriend” only when “I” want and right after that, her needs are only for “her”. A relationship can be buildt if you learn “US”, “for us”,“we together”, “to be good for us”, not “me”, “mine” and “her”.

    In another words what do you feel for this women? Put you in her situation, you are able?
    Throw you the first stone if you are clean at all.
    That is not a matter of fact in a solid relation and if it is not a relation, don’t name her ”my girl friend” because she is not. She is only a cute puppy and you a boss who can moves her as you want. Stink think! Asking us to give or not, the money to your “girl friend”… is enough, please DON”T GIVE them to her, say NO and let her back in her way, is better for both of us!
    Choose your terms sweet pie….
  10. by   EmerNurse
    Quote from zuzi
    Your message is only partial and didn't give us much information. You told us about "my girl friend" and start after that, each of yours sentences with "HER". Why "her" sweet pie if is "my" girl friend? To understand that is "My-girlfriend" only when "I" want and right after that, her needs are only for "her". A relationship can be buildt if you learn "US", "for us","we together", "to be good for us", not "me", "mine" and "her".

    In another words what do you feel for this women? Put you in her situation, you are able?
    Throw you the first stone if you are clean at all.
    That is not a matter of fact in a solid relation and if it is not a relation, don't name her "my girl friend" because she is not. She is only a cute puppy and you a boss who can moves her as you want. Stink think! Asking us to give or not, the money to your "girl friend"... is enough, please DON"T GIVE them to her, say NO and let her back in her way, is better for both of us!
    Choose your terms sweet pie....
    Um... Huh?
  11. by   TazziRN
    Quote from zuzi
    Your message is only partial and didn't give us much information. You told us about "my girl friend" and start after that, each of yours sentences with "HER". Why "her" sweet pie if is "my" girl friend? To understand that is "My-girlfriend" only when "I" want and right after that, her needs are only for "her". A relationship can be buildt if you learn "US", "for us","we together", "to be good for us", not "me", "mine" and "her".

    In another words what do you feel for this women? Put you in her situation, you are able?
    Throw you the first stone if you are clean at all.
    That is not a matter of fact in a solid relation and if it is not a relation, don't name her "my girl friend" because she is not. She is only a cute puppy and you a boss who can moves her as you want. Stink think! Asking us to give or not, the money to your "girl friend"... is enough, please DON"T GIVE them to her, say NO and let her back in her way, is better for both of us!
    Choose your terms sweet pie....

    I don't get it either.
  12. by   mshultz
    Money expert Andrew Tobias says you should cosign a loan instead. You will still end up losing the money, but in the meantime, the bank will be putting pressure on them to pay off the loan.
  13. by   Audreyfay
    Say - "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable loaning money." Which is the truth. If she asks why, say "I just don't do it - that's all."

    (Me thinks Z's first language is not english?)
  14. by   Tweety
    If she needs the money truly because she doesn't manager her money well, don't give it to her. Since she's already asked her father and now you, she sounds like a gold digger type that expects men to support her. It's 2007. Time for her to get a grip on the realities of life for the modern woman. Good advice here.

    Honesty about money with relations is important from the start, otherwise it can rip a relationship apart, and this doesn't sound good.
    Last edit by Tweety on May 12, '07

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