How To Handle Danger

  1. Well, the ol' War & Terrorism forum has been pretty contentious of late, so I thought I'd lighten things up for a minute with a little humor from

    One of the inevitable side effects of constantly being at a national state of "heightened security alert" is that people start getting blase' about it:

    The Top 50 Ways Americans Handle Danger

    50> I repeat everything Danger says in an annoying, nasal-y voice.

    49> I flick Danger's ass with a wet, rolled-up towel.

    48> I give Danger a time-out.

    47> I tell Danger those pants *do* make his ass look big.

    46> I ask Danger to give me two tens for a five.

    45> I volunteer to bunk with Danger in prison.

    44> I show Danger's girlfriend his bare-butt baby pictures.

    43> I remove Danger's mattress tag under penalty of law.

    42> I hit on Danger's girlfriend while he's in the can.

    41> I feed Danger Ex-Lax brownies before his important sales

    40> I don't tell Danger he's got a booger hanging from his nose
    before his job interview.

    39> I flush the toilet while Danger is taking a shower.

    38> I kiss Danger right on the mouth after I've had a salami
    sandwich with hot mustard and a big bag of Funyuns.

    37> I leave a fake number and 10 dollars on Danger's nightstand
    in the morning.

    36> I borrow Danger's hedge trimmer then never return it.

    35> I eat all of Danger's Thin Mints and leave him with half
    a box of Lemon Pastry Cremes.

    34> I go to Hawaii and only bring Danger a lousy T-shirt.

    33> I record and rebroadcast Danger's games without the express
    written consent of Major League Baseball.

    32> I scare off the pigeons while Danger is feeding them.

    31> I sucker-punch Danger in front of his girlfriend and make
    him cry like a little wussy-girl.

    30> I take 11 items into Danger's "10 items or less" supermarket

    29> I send Danger tasteless postcards from Cancun.

    28> I read the newspaper over Danger's shoulder.

    27> I look Danger full in the face without benefit of duct tape,
    bottled water or plastic sheeting.

    26> I make sure that Danger doesn't get enough roughage.

    25> I tell Danger that if Danger *really* loved me, Danger would
    watch "Gilmore Girls" with me every week.

    24> I put butter on the popcorn even though I know Danger
    hates it.

    23> I flirt with Danger, even though Danger shows signs of an
    alternative sexual orientation.

    22> I reveal my love for Danger on a "Secret Crush" episode of
    Jenny Jones.

    21> I use Danger's razor to shave my legs.

    20> I pretend to be Danger's friend only to form a secret alliance
    with Peril and Menace to beat Danger in the next immunity

    19> I disclose Danger's secure location.

    18> I sell Danger's used panties to Japanese businessmen.

    17> I wipe my butt on Danger's shower curtain.

    16> I deliver Danger's nachos and neglect to say, "Careful --
    hot plate."

    15> I make Danger sleep on the wet spot.

    14> I threaten Danger with patently frivolous legal action.

    13> I wash Danger's white Eminem concert T-shirt in a load of
    brand new red flannel sheets.

    12> Danger? I'm soaking in it.

    11> I sabotage Danger's live call-in show with a thunderous

    10> I shuffle my feet on the carpet before I shake Danger's hand.

    9> I force Danger to take me to David Arquette movies even though
    I have absolutely no intention of putting out afterwards.

    8> I spit on Danger's Whopper while Danger waits patiently at
    the drive-through window.

    7> I hide Danger's stapler.

    6> I bring enough gum for everyone BUT Danger!

    5> Snapping my latex glove, I tell Danger to lean forward and
    prepare to cough.

    4> I gratify myself sexually beside Danger on the bus.

    3> I do a pretend cough that sounds like I'm saying,
    "Danger sucks."

    2> I toke up in the face of... hey, got any nachos?

    and's Number 1 Way Americans Handle Danger...

    1> I don't even bother suppressing my rapturous facial expression as I urinate in Danger's Jacuzzi.

    [ The Top 5 List ]
  2. 4 Comments

  3. by   SmilingBluEyes
    ROFL thank you for that!
  4. by   Mkue
    15> I make Danger sleep on the wet spot. :chuckle
  5. by   frannybee
    Has anyone else found that after the 5th or 6th 'danger', it starts to rhyme with 'hanger'?

    Or maybe it's just me....
  6. by   OzNurse69
    Hey franny, maybe that's an Aussie thing - but the word I was going to mention started with "fr" not "h" they have those over there???!!!!