How to be Republican

  1. (Disclaimer: Tongue firmly planted in cheek. wink)

    > 1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery
    > 2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
    > 3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
    > 4. "Standing Tall for America"; means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
    > 5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
    > 6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
    > 7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
    > 8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
    > 9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
    > 10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
    > 11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
    > 12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
    > 13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
    > 14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad
    > guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
    > 15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
    > 16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
    > 17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
    > 18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
    > 19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
    > 20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
  2. 49 Comments

  3. by   elkpark

    If only it weren't all true ... Hope you're ready for the flames, Tweety! :kiss
  4. by   fergus51
    I think it's cute. I like #6 the best. It reminds me of a religious friend of mine from California who was generally a great guy, good Christian, cared about his fellow man and all that. My favorite thing about him was if I thought he was being mean I would just say "c'mon, what would Jesus do?" and he would seriously reflect on it even though he knew I was kind of kidding!!! The world would be a better place if we were all that open to examing our behavior wouldn't it?
  5. by   SmilingBluEyes
    love it....

    I await the Right's version of this same thing, jabbing at the Liberals.......It's amazing how each side sees things so differently, yet the lines between them blur more with each passing year.....

    Thanks for the chuckle.
  6. by   WashYaHands
    If you think the answer to ANY crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.

    If you think the criminal has more rights than the police who arrest this criminal.

    If you use the term 'open-minded' and don't care that it can't be defined in absolute terms.

    If you think only white people can be racist.

    If you think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution.

    If you think Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean spirited racists and promote hate crime but Maxine Waters, John Conyers, Michael Moore and Louis Farakahn aren't and don't.

    If you think that tax cuts hurt poor people and are uncompassionate but taking 30% from their paychecks is compassionate.

    if you think that conservatives have no sense of humor then shudder at the idea of a Clinton joke.

    If you think that the American Dream could have only been accomplished in the '60s.

    If you don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they won't do the right thing.

    If you can actually believe everyone around Bill Clinton is lying, but Bill Clinton himself is telling the truth.

    If you think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.

    If your idea of compassion is giving a homeless person a shopping cart but expecting them to accept the responsibilities of life is mean spirited, racist, bigoted, etc.

    If you think that "dumbing down" America's school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited", racist, bigoted, etc.

    If you think that people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones.

    You're a democrat if you think what Hitler did to the Jews is horrible but the "Christian Right" is dangerous and needs to be done away with.

    If you think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon.

    If you think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists!

    If Sean Hannity makes no sense and Alan Colmes makes perfect sense.

    If you make snide remarks to guys for looking at women but champion Clinton's right to do whatever he wants with his interns.

    If you think that the four cops who beat Rodney King should have been thrown in jail forever, but the four thugs who beat Reginald Denny should have fair justice.

    You think that Joe Camel and big tobacco are out to kill your babies, but allowing a babies brain to be sucked out of its skull when it's 1/3 of the way out of the birth canal is paramount to a free society.

    You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.

    You hate Hillary jokes.

    You hate Monica jokes.

    You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

    You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

    You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure.

    If you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death because he is a minority or gay and you rally about punishing the bigot who committed the terrible act BUT, if you hear a news report of a man beat nearly to death for his money, and you start talking about the poor disadvantaged person who is forced to commit such acts to survive.

    You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

    You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.

    You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.

    You continually say that conservatives have no sense of humor, but after reading this page, think that I am cold and mean-spirited.

    You respond to this post in anger because you don't see the two-sided humor.

  7. by   pickledpepperRN
    "How to be a democrat "

    "No, no, No It ain't me babe."
    A nod to Bob
  8. by   Q.
    Wow. All of it is funny and very pointed. Good job Linda at the quick response.
  9. by   fergus51
    Cute I was hoping the word "socialist" could have been worked into the "How to be a Democrat" list though... You can't really call it complete until it is!
  10. by   Tweety
    Great, I was hoping the "How To Be A Democrat" post would come soon!

    Louis Farakahn is a racist.

    Usually laugh at Clinton and Monica jokes, but love Hilliary so don't joke about her. LOL

    Republicans don't wear ribbons?

    25,000 troups in Bosnia is vital to our national interests? That's news to me?

    Didn't know that Democrats were animal rights activists and pro-abortion (I'm neither)

    And yes, the Christian Right should be exterminated and Christian bashing should be a national sport. LOL

    Loved it!

    Also, Linda regarding your last two statements. Don't worry. I can dish it out and take it right back. Very thick skin, usually reasonable, yes "closed-minded" at that same time I accuse others of the same, but wouldn't accuse you of being mean-spirited.
    Last edit by Tweety on Jul 3, '04
  11. by   julieftRN

    And yes, the Christian Right should be exterminated and Christian bashing should be a national sport. LOL

    Loved it![/QUOTE]

    I HOPE you were only kidding here!!
  12. by   Spidey's mom
    Funny stuff as my 21 year old would say.


    See how we see each other . . . it is so strange. We all think we are right.

    Even weirder for me having swung from liberal to conservative in the last 20 years.

    Keep a sense of humor - it is a good thing.

  13. by   hypnotic_nurse
    Me, I've gone from conservative to liberal!
  14. by   Spidey's mom
    Quote from hypnotic_nurse
    Me, I've gone from conservative to liberal!

    Wow, and we are about the same age. When I was growing up it was just assumed you would be a Democrat and a liberal . .. the 60's and all. Even though I was young during the "peace" movement it made a big impression on me. Republicans and conservatives were looked upon as dinosaurs.

    Funny . . .