How do you know?

  1. I have been reading the recent threads about unfaithful husbands, and the numerous responses from others who have been in the same situation in the past. It just makes me wonder how many men (and women) are unfaithful in their marriage. I believe that my husband has never cheated on me, but can you ever be 100% sure? How do I know that he has not sought comfort outside the marriage when our relationship has hit a rocky time? How do I know that he has not been out for a few drinks with his friends and picked up some girl who came on to him? I am not implying that I think he ever did, just wondering about the nature of men, women, and relationships. I know my husband better that anyone else, and I trust him completely. I would have to catch him in the act before I would believe he was cheating. But what is it that makes some people look outside the marriage? I do believe that in most cases, infidelity is a result of problems in a marriage, not the cause. I also believe, however, that there are some people who will never be faithful because they are lacking something in themselves that they keep trying to find in new people and new relationships.

    To carry this question a little further, what would I do if I found out my husband had been unfaithful? If I found out he had cheated on me twenty years ago would it matter less than if he had cheated a week ago?

    I know my DH has had opportunities in the past, as I have, but I don't believe he has ever acted upon them. I know I never have. The trust we have in each other is one of the reasons we have been together so long.
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  2. 13 Comments

  3. by   Beach_RN
    I trust my husband 100%....... Gotta have the trust... without that... there is nothing!.... I know my hubbie loves me and that I am still the one that puts the umph in his day..He is my partner and my equal!

    My husband has been on weekend trips with the guys, bachelor parties where there has been down and dirty action happening there...Never once did I stay up all night worrying about it....

    There was even the time his ex-girlfriend.. called him when I was pregnant with our first child.... he was the one she let get away... well anyway... it's 7 yrs later.... and she call's and wants to see him and was saying. that she should have never let him go,, etc. etc.... I never freaked out that he would go meet her and have a quicky fling with her... the thougt has never entered my mind...

    Now if for some unimagniable reason... he did cheat on me..... he would come home to an empty house......IT would be over..... No Drama... just plain over... no second chances.... Would it make a difference if it was now or 15 yrs ago..NO no difference for me...
    .

    A cheat is a cheat is a cheat!
    Last edit by Beach_RN on Oct 20, '02
  4. by   nurs4kids
    Rn,
    I definitely agree with you. I think an affair doesn't start the problems in a marriage; an affair is the result of problems already there. I also agree that some people will never be faithful, but these people have traits of instability that should/could be detected prior to marriage. I'll never say my husband won't, but nothing would shock me more. I've been in relationships before where I didn't trust them out of my site. With my husband, I've never had that feeling. How would I know if he did? I THINK I'd know because he'd become alienated..our general relationship would have change. It definitely wouldn't have the happiness that makes it so wonderful now..that has for seven years. My husband is my best friend and I am his. Neither of us even have an interest in "hanging out with the guys/girls". There's nothing there that need/want that we don't get from being with each other. We have both encouraged the other to go out with friends (fearing we are keeping the other from doing what we'd like to be doing)..neither of us care to go.

    I think some personality types are just more prone to stray than other's. We're settled..like an old couple of 60 years. We both "sowed our wild oats" when we were young, have no desire to do so now. We are each proud of the other..each confident in ourselves and in our marriage. We give each other what we need to prevent that "straying", but we give it easily..naturally..because we want to, not because we feel it's necessary to keep the other happy. Everyone has opportunities to stray. I think everyone thinks twice about it at times..but if what you have at home is priceless, then that grass on the other side doesn't look quiet as green, imho.
  5. by   LasVegasRN
    Originally posted by nurs4kids
    ...an affair doesn't start the problems in a marriage; an affair is the result of problems already there...
    That nails it for me.
  6. by   ziggyRn
    Deleted
    Last edit by ziggyRn on Feb 18, '03
  7. by   Rustyhammer
    When you come home and the toilet seat is up.
    -Russell
  8. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I don't think ANYONE KNOWS 100%!!!! Unless you are psychic! I think that is where trust comes in. The minute my trust is violated, that's it for me. Til then, I have no doubt my husband is trustworthy and faithful and I NEVER look for trouble. This coming from a woman whose first husband not only cheated but got the girl PREGNANT while married to me! Trust is earned, respected, revered, and never ever completely regained once broken for me.
  9. by   aus nurse
    Well said nurs4kids....you summed it up beautifully.

    ziggy, you poor darling..you learnt that from experience, hope you kicked that man to the kerb HARD

    Rusty, too funny
  10. by   kittyw
    Let's see ... what did I see (or not see for a while lol). I don't mind sharing... it's kinda funny to me now.

    He says he charged lunch for everyone in his dept (there's 5) and says they paid him back in cash in return but then he hits the ATM the next day cause he's out of money.

    He's accessing email accounts that you haven't seen before & he won't give you the password - he "needs his privacy" (gotta love Ziggy's bit about cracking the passwords & finding stuff - been there!)

    You're typing away at the computer - cutting and pasting - and this one time you paste and it's a personal ad.

    The computer's cashe & history are cleared out every time you get on the computer.

    He suddenly claims lack of privacy around the house

    His outside volunteer interest requires more and more time

    You go to open the study door (where the computer is) and it's locked, when he opens the door it's obvious that he's just zipping up his pants. Says he was making you a sexy bday card (which isn't that far away) ... but none arrives.

    His once very high sex drive crashes to nill & there's no other explaination.

    He's late for your after-work date constantly - by about an hour.

    You call his work & nobody knows where he is and doesn't for quite some time (this lasts for hours - wonder how in the heck he's still employed there).

    He becomes obsessed about his looks ... for my ex it was his weight (he has always been on the thin side.)

    He stops doing the loving things (mine actually told me he stopped doing that after we got married cause he didn't have to anymore. ) - He's a really good actor & a great lier!


    I trusted him 100% up till the last year, but I'm growing wiser now and hopefully won't make the same mistakes. Will surely make some new ones, but hope not repeat the old ones. :chuckle
  11. by   ziggyRn
    Deleted
    Last edit by ziggyRn on Feb 18, '03
  12. by   JonRN
    Well the first clue that my ex was cheating on me was.......I was overseas in the army and she turned up pregnant, even a hick Hoosier Farm Boy could figure that one out. I was stupid enough to let her join me (I was in Europe and we could have dependents there), then I raised the resulting little girl as my own. Big mistake. She kept it up, and there she was at an Army base full of horny men. Shoulda pimped her out and made a fortune, but that's not me. Wish I had it all to do over, much different outcome. I was young and in love, and was taken advantage of. Learned a lot, but the lessons were very costly.

    Pappy
  13. by   shygirl
    My ex- husband came home with hickies on his neck after a bachelor party and told me his friend did it as a joke.

    Notice I said ex-husband. And the joke was on him! Left him then and there and moved back in with Mama! He still is sorry!Hahahahahahahahahahah. (Was only married for 6 months)

    Shygirl
  14. by   NRSKarenRN
    You could set your watch by the time my husband leaves for work and returns home. I on the other hand have worked OT--he has been known to call me at 11PM to tell me to come home if involved in a serious project and to make sure I'm still alive.

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