How do I break up with a really great guy, just not MY really great guy?

  1. Hey guys, need some advice, I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now and have been good friends with him for about 4 years. He is a wonderful man and has been so good to me, I just don't feel any chemistry with him for anything stronger. How can I break up with him and not hurt him or at least hurt him as little as possible? I trust and respect you guys enough to honestly consider any advice ya might have. Help!
  2. 32 Comments

  3. by   bedpan
    A tough one! Afraid it will be impossible not to hurt him at all - but to me the simple truth is always the best course of action - If he is a "wonderful man" he certainly deserves that.
  4. by   jnette
    Agree, always best to be up front and honest... it would hurt him worse if he knew you were "holding on" just not to "hurt" him. If done with tact and care your honesty would be respected. There's no getting around the hurt... but it might hurt LESS if his pride and selfrespect is left intact.. this is done by letting him know you RESPECT him enough to not string him along.

    Sorry, Navy. Hate it for you.. and him.
  5. by   Tweety
    Be very vague and distant for a few days. Quit calling him as much. Don't answer your phone or return messages. Date someone else and be sure he finds out.

    Or you could be up front and honest. It won't be easy. Maybe he feels the same way and you can still be good friends. Good luck.
  6. by   Rustyhammer
    I disagree. I say if you are going to do it be up front and straight forward. Expect surprise. Maybe he is feeling the same and it won't be a big deal.
    Let us know how it goes. We are nosey.
  7. by   ShelleyERgirl
    Thanks for the advice especially from the guys, I really appreciate it. I was planning on asking him to meet me somewhere today for lunch and then just telling him how I feel. I was going to do it over the phone and then I thought I had better step up and not be such a spineless witch and respect him enough to do it in person. I am just afraid of losing his friendship, it means alot to me. I expect him to not want to talk to me for a while but I hope it doesn't ruin our friendship in the long run, ya know? Again, thanks for the ear.
  8. by   bedpan
    Good luck navy

    I agree that face to face is best also

    If you were true friends to start with then the friendship will make it through this also - (and that's another reason to just be upfront and honest)

    I have found that honesty is always the best route in all situations (In addition to the fact that everyone deserves honesty a big plus is that it is much easier to remember the truth that to try and remember what lie you tell to who! LOL)

    My ex-wife is one of my best friends in the world so it can be done! (And I couldn't have made it through some very rough times in my life without her being there for me too!)
  9. by   jnette
    Originally posted by navynurse29
    I am just afraid of losing his friendship, it means alot to me.
    So tell him that ! But accept that the choice regarding that must be his, and his alone. Glad you decided to do this in person... will mean a lot to him. Wish you guys the best !
  10. by   NICU_Nurse
    Okay. He's going to hate you temporarily (hopefully it will go away) no matter how you do it, but PLEASE don't take him out to lunch and do it in a public place! Not only is that cruel (he can't react emotionally because of other people there) but it's excruciating! When's the best time to do it? First, then let's chow down? After he's had dessert? I mean, no matter what, either he's going to walk away and leave you there, or you're going to have to discuss this in detail, and who wants to have to eat (or who would have an APPETITE?) while that's happening?

    Remember Ben Folds Five:

    Wish I hadn't
    Bought you dinner
    Right before you
    Dumped me on your front porch!

    Don't do it, for the love of all that is merciful!

    If you have to do it in public, please pick a park or open area where other people aren't crammed in at tables all around you. Pick a place that won't make him cry because it's where you had your first kiss or where he was planning to propose to you or the first place you ever made love in the dewy grass, or whatever. You get the idea.

    Be honest.
    Don't let him manipulate you into staying together just because you feel guilty.
    Be kind to him and don't tread all over his ego. Take the high road and accept the blame, resisting all temptation to tell him that he's no good in bed or he's not trying hard enough or whatever. Lie if you have to.
    Don't be afraid to walk away. Let him know how you feel, tell him you're sorry, let him emote if he wants to, let him yell, even (shocking news does this to some people), but at some point, realize it might be best to just walk away.
    Don't say anything about being friends. None of "Let's just be friends" or "We can still be friends" or "You're still my best friend no matter what". Tell him so if you respect him or admire him or even love him, but the friends thing will either happen on it's own or it won't.
    No breakup sex. BAD idea. Thus, breaking up in a public place.

    And finally, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD! There are millions of wonderful people out there (I've dated a few!) but that doesn't mean they're perfect for YOU, even if they think they are. Breakups suck, but you can make them less sucky in retrospect if you do it correctly. Good luck! We'll be rooting for you. Be strong like bamboo, strong like willow.
  11. by   Katnip
    Honestly and gently.
  12. by   jnette
    EXCELLENT ADVICE, Kristi !!! Thumbs up to you, and ITA !!!
  13. by   Tweety
    Originally posted by Rustyhammer
    I disagree. I say if you are going to do it be up front and straight forward. Expect surprise. Maybe he is feeling the same and it won't be a big deal.
    Let us know how it goes. We are nosey.
    Rusty, my last sentence before "good luck" said "maybe he feels the same way" meaning just what you said.

    My first paragraph was a tongue-in-cheek joke which I'm sure you caught.

    I'm confused what you are disagreeing with.
  14. by   ShelleyERgirl
    Thanks Kristi and Jnette, you guys are great. Kristi, I never even thought about the whole public scene scenerio! Man, what a disaster, cause he would totally be upset and there I would be going,"Ya wanna a refill on your coke?" I agree totally lame, thanks for the advice. Now that I am psyching myself up, do you guys think I should just meet him at his apartment? I can't believe I am having this much of a problem, I really appreciate you guys being there. One more thing, I DO still love him, I am just not IN love with him, should I say that or do you think it would be a blow to the ego. Jeez, I don't know....