Holiday Humor Thread

  1. I always like this story.....

    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over
    his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for
    Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking
    the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,
    although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing,
    his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew
    increasingly threadbare.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
    on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an
    inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell these things
    at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
    If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go.
    You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours
    saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!",
    and "Who owns that? Do you have their phone number?"

    Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted
    to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable
    for a night of romance that could also substitute
    as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool
    lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a *complicated*
    doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood swings
    and using a French accent for no reason at all.
    (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
    Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come
    in many different models. The top of the line,
    according to the side of the box, could do things
    I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured
    the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without,
    so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom
    of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
    huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
    Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan
    and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat.
    In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come
    and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling
    panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also
    ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass
    of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out,
    went home, and giggled hysterically
    for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
    had been to his house and left a present that had made him
    VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark,
    start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
    I helpfully suggested he purchase an inflatable
    Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that
    Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
    family could admire her when they came over for the
    traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea,
    except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa
    would be there.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
    in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
    My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
    "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
    I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
    "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
    I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information
    to myself.

    "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,
    trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny
    was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

    Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
    It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
    of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
    sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the
    fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes
    later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
    Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
    that we realized this might be Grandpa's last
    Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
    about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
    when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my
    father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
    from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell
    in a heap in front of the sofa.

    The cat screamed, I shot cranberry sauce through
    my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
    and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.
    My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
    stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was
    indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

    Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
    examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
    We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember
    to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks
    to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
    to perfect health.

    Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
    I think Grandpa still calls her whenever
    he can get out of the house.
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  2. 9 Comments

  3. by   sunnygirl272
  4. by   emily_mom
    Those are both way funny!!! If I come across and goodies, I'll pass them along...email has been pretty lame lately!!

    Kristy
  5. by   emily_mom
    A little boy about nine or ten, was sitting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said "George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y."
    "Nope!" replied George.
    Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face, "You want C-A-N-D-Y."
    "Nope!" replied George.
    "Then just what the hell do you want?" asked Santa.
    George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, "I want some P-*-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any, because I can smell it on your finger!!"
  6. by   emily_mom
    One time Santa Claus was out delivering presents on Christmas morning, when he came to the house of a beautiful young woman. He slid down the chimney, and there she was waiting for him in her best bathrobe.
    "Merry Christmas, my dear," he said, "have you been a good girl all year?"

    "I certainly have!" she replied.

    So he put all her presents under the tree and said "Well, see you next year!"

    "But Santa," she said, "won't you stay with me for a little while?"

    "That's very sweet of you dear," said Santa Clause, "but I've got a lot of present's to deliver and I really have to be going."

    "But Santa," she said, "I've been waiting for you all year..."

    "Oh no, no, no," said Santa Clause, "there's lot's to be done by morning, and what would Mrs. Clause say?"

    "But Santa," she said slipping out of her robe, "just this once?"

    "Oh all right," he said, "I'll never make it back up the chimney now anyway."
  7. by   emily_mom
    Barbie's letter to Santa

    Dear Santa,

    Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
    suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
    time!!

    There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
    these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

    3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
    anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

    6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

    8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
    Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

    Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new b*tch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

    Yours truly,
    Barbie



    Ken's letter to Santa

    Dear Santa,

    I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

    In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
    Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

    First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the b*tch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
    decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

    I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
    addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

    These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that b*tch to the curb.

    Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

    In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
    others.

    PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

    Sincerely,
    Ken
  8. by   sunnygirl272
    lmao, Kristy!!!!
  9. by   emily_mom
    Office Holiday Memo
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    To: All Employees
    From: Management
    Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

    Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

    1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

    2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

    3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

    4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

    5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

    6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.


    In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
  10. by   sunnygirl272
  11. by   donmurray
    LOL! Someone in the UK was producing a "Barbie" lookalike S&M doll till recently, but Mattell sued!

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