Help! Problem with future sister-in-law


    I am at my wits end! My brother is getting married in October of this year. Since my sister and I included him in our wedding parties(on the grooms side) he insisted that his fiancee include us in thier wedding party. The problem is that the future SIL, we'll call her Patty, keeps changing her mind about the dresses for the Bridal Party. She originally decided to go with separates from Davids Bridal. Great! I chose a top that looked good on me(it had sleeves) as we were all wearing the same skirt. I had to order my top as the company had discontinued it and it had to be ordered from another store across the country. I also had to pay for it. $109 plus tax.

    I am a plus size female and wear a size 22W. My underarms have that fat that hangs down plus stretch marks and it isn't a pretty sight. I do NOT wear anything without sleeves. Not to mention that I have really translucent skin and you can see all my veins in my chest above my breasts. That isn't the problem, that can be taken care of with a tan.

    Well, Patty meets with the photographer and the photographer tells her that the different tops on the bridesmaids will be really distracting in the photos! So, Patty decides that everyone must look alike!!! Patty and my brother agreed to reimburse me for the money that I already paid for the top.

    Anyhow, Patty, my sister, my mom and I have been looking at different Bridal shops around town. She found one that she liked. My sis and I went to look at it with Patty and then Patty decides that she doesn't like that dress after all. That dress had cute little cap sleeves. So, we go to another shop. Patty chose dressed that are either sleeveless or strapless. Well, we found one dress that is a two piece with straps. It cost 148 bucks and alterations are included. I was ok with that dress as it came with a really nice shawl.

    This past Sunday, Patty goes back down to Davids Bridal with her Matron of Honor, who just happens to be a perfect size 6. Together they choose this tuxedo type thing which is sleevless with spaghetti straps and now this is the DRESS. It comes with a wrap. Nevermind that Davids Bridal is 90 miles away from our hometown and alterations aren't included. By the time everything is said and done, the dress will end up costing $200!!! Not to mention shoes and accessories.

    I got the style # of the dress and looked it up on the internet. I hate it! I e-mailed her and told her that I didn't like it and she says that I should try the dress on before I say I hate it and I am not the only member of the bridal party and she DID (NOT!) take me into consideration when she made her choice and if I am that uncomfortable then maybe I should step down as a bridesmaid and do something else at the wedding. And that the consultant at the Bridal shop says that I should bring proper foundations with me to fittings for the correct fit!

    So, what should I do! I am about ready to tell her to take her dress and shove it up her you know what!
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    About RNforLongTime, BSN

    Joined: Mar '01; Posts: 2,730; Likes: 600


  3. by   kids
    I would go try on the dress and bring a friend to photograph how truely unflattering the dress is on you (if indeed it is)...I would also try to find some equally acceptable but more flattering dresses to try on and also get pictures. If she won't compromise then tell her to pizz off...I mean, do you really want to be immortalized in print in a really ugly dress? Does this girl have no clue how distractiing it will be in her pictures for you to be in a really unflattering dress?

    I know it sounds shallow but I REFUSED to be Matron of Honor for my best girl-friend of 14 years unless she changed my dress, she did, and in the end agreed that the replacement looked much better on me than the original choice.

    And since when does the Maid/Matron of honor wear the same dress as the bridesmaids?
    Ya know, I have this little hobby - I do cakes. I do some wedding cakes too. Let me tell you what I've learned: Brides are fu**in nuts!

    Do you really want the stress? Tell her your finances don't allow you to keep buying something new everytime she changes her mind, or someone else changes it for her. She gave you an "out" by saying you could step down. I say step down, let her think it was her choice, and you'll be the one coming out ahead.

    This is why I had the most low key wedding known to man!

    Good luck to you whatever you decide!

  5. by   RNforLongTime
    Thanks guys for the advice!

    The dress isn't ugly per say but I don't think that it will look good on my plus size figure with my 42DD chest.

    Patty said that she tried the dress on and it "was very comfortable, and also very elegant and flattering on my plus size figure". She is a size 16 and wears a C cup or maybe a B. I still think that with the size if my breasts the dress won't look good.

    I told her that I will try the dress on and see what I think. She seems to think that I will fall in love with the dress as much as she did.

    I am not concerned about the price. My sister should be concerned because this will be the 3rd Wedding she has been in this year. She's on a tight budget having just purchased a house with her husband and 2 young girls. My sis wants to stay at home with her girls until they are both in school.

    I don't know if the Bridal shop will let us take pics. I thought I saw a sign in the store that said no pictures last time I was there.

    I don't remember being this way when I got married!

    And when they first got engaged, Patty said she just wanted to elope but my brother wanted the "big" wedding.

    If anybody wants to see the dress, it's at The style number is 8015
  6. by   RNforLongTime
    Originally posted by kids-r-fun
    And since when does the Maid/Matron of honor wear the same dress as the bridesmaids?
    I haven't been to a Wedding in the last ten years where the Maid/Matron of honor wore a different dress as the rest of the Bridal Party. Sometimes the Maid of Honor wears a different color than the rest but I haven't seen them in a different style.

    My point is...her size 6 Matron of Honor could wear a Burlap sack and still look good.
  7. by   nursejws
    I have a suggestion. It is not unusual for the maid/matron of honor to wear something different. If Patty is going with black/white as her colors, let the matron of honor wear the tuxedo dress, and let the bridesmaids wear a solid color. If all else fails, back out.

    I was to be a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. Her color was PINK! She picked out this really cute pink dress for everyone to wear, complete with spaghetti straps and a wrap. After she listed her other bridesmaids (which the rest of my family referred to as the "hooter girls"), I realized I would look like Miss Piggy standing next to them, and backed out. I was able to find this really cute pink sleeve less dress, w/matching coat on top(the same length at Lane Bryant, and wore that instead.

    My sisters "Cinderella" wedding was the worst of all! She did not have her caca together and everything was to the last minute and WE were the ones to pick up the pace...apparently the bridesmaids were too "special". grrrr!!
  8. by   delirium
    I looked at the dress... it was cool that I could do that. Thanks for including it.

    Its not horrible, but you're right... it won't work with a bosom your size. We're 'bosom' buddies, by the way... I'm the exact same size as you. Although the rest of me is normal, which makes me look even more bizarre... people are always asking me if I had my 'boobs done' and I always ask them if it is truly their business. It is difficult to find anything that will flatter a large bustline without making you look like one of the Hooters girls, and the straps on this dress will not work... I can't imagine finding a strapless bra that will truly give you the support you need.

    You know... I got to looking around on the bridal site, and it seems to me if you could get separates, you would do much better. A nice long skirt and a brocade jacket or a short sleeved top.

    Or....I like style F101. I think it would be flattering on a more ample figure.
  9. by   fergus51
    Just bow out gracefully. I had a similar situation when a friend got married when her cousin didn't like the dress and made a big deal out of it. It REALLY had an impact on their friendship, and I have to ask, is it worth it? I mean this woman is going to be family and this is her day....Does it really matter in the long run if you look bad in a dress or don't participate as a bridesmaid? It's only one day, and you're going to be family with her for the rest of your lives. I would say tread lightly.
  10. by   MPHkatie
    The way I see it- you have two choices...

    1. If you really want to be a maid/matorn... then stick it out and deal with it. Unfortunately it is her wedding, and as strange as she is behaving, it's her wedding. But if you do decide to do it, be a trooper- no whiningor even statements about the dress once you have decided to do it, because you will have your SIL in your life for quite a while and she will remember whining for a long time.

    2. you could certainly offer to register guests or some other wedding thing, and just say, "I am uncomfortable with the dress" and really let it go.

    It sounds as if there is underlying tension between you both, over something else and playing out with the dress??
    Like Fergus says, do you really want to be a bridesmaid? If so, it may include wearing the unflattering dress. sounds as if she will keep changing her mind. My sister was the same way- but it was about HER dress. SHe had three when it was all said and done.
  11. by   mattsmom81
    I'm about your size and I looked at the dress and I would not be comfortable wearing it and being immortalized in family photos forever . Not in that.

    If I were in your shoes I would graciously decline the offer to be a bridesmaid, and just go the the wedding and enjoy the hell out of a guest. Or you can offer to help with the guest book or as an usherette, etc if you wish to do so.

    That's more fun anyway IMO...the bridal party stuff is pomp and circumstance to me and I can take it or leave it...LOL!!
  12. by   LasVegasRN
    I like the dress, very classy. But, I also hate having my arms out - I look like I could take flight with these flappy things.

    I have to agree with Fergus on this one.
  13. by   Lausana
    Yikes! I'm not sure how that dress is "less distracting" for the photographer? I like NurseJws suggestion of the MOH wearing the chosen dress and bridesmaids wearing solids, but I guess it is her choice! Who knows-she may change her mind again anyway! But if not, I'd probably choose to step-out, you'll want to enjoy the day, not feel self conscious or uncomfortable.

    Best of luck in whatever you decide...sending you some patience!
  14. by   Lausana
    Last edit by Lausana on Jun 6, '02