Help! I need some adviceMy friend's marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to say to her. She really wants my opinion, but before I go off and give it, I wanted to get some input.. I think I need to give you some background first.
Shewas married about 15 years ago and has three children. During dating, her then future-husband always showed interest in other women. He pointed out the good looking ones or gawked at them. When they went to the beach he would take pictures of them, not having them pose, just shooting as they would walk by. Of course, she didn't know this until the film was developed.
After they got married, things seemed fine. Although he was controlling - not in a psycho type way, but just wanted to be in control of everything. During their first few years she found out that he had met a girl at work and brought her home for a lunch. He said it was innocent and he was just being nice - they had a lot in common. She let it go. After their second child was born he seemed to get annoyed at everything. He would scream and rant and rave over the silliest things. SheI went to a lawyer to find out her "rights" and then decided to try to work it out. They moved cross country and a third child was born and things seemed better. Those 3 years seemed ok. They moved again and these past six years have gone drastically down hill. Five years ago they went through a med mal nightmare in which a lawsuit ensued. That is over now - they "won" - dr was negligible, but no damages could be proven, so no money. After that she went through some rough physical times and got diagnosed with MS.
Again he became (as he did on and off throughout the marriage) nasty and mean to both her and the kids. She decided she'd had enough and started to get papers together. In the process she found documents, pictures, emails and im's of him and other women. Two from various business trips and some from his work. She confronted him and told him he had to leave. He said he would change and they even met with their pastor who said they should give it another shot if he was willing to make an honest try of it. He did for a while and then got mean and nasty again. She went to another lawyer (new state) and got info again. She discussed it with him and told him he needed to leave. He was getting ready to go on a 6 week business trip so they decided to use that time as a separating and see how things would go when he got back. He got back and things seemed to go well. He seemed to be really trying.
Well, on NY Eve she got a call from my ob/gyn telling her about a "funny" pap smear and the OB questioned her about her sexual history and that of her husbands. Well, she asked him telling him it was important that she know - and he told her about a time (only once so he says) that he got drunk during a business trip and met someone who performed oral sex on him. Then he told her that he had met a women here during the time right before his six week business trip and took her out a few times - 2 dinners and a brunch - he insists it really wasn't a date. She was dumbfounded. He said at the time he thought they were splitting, but he didn't go on the dates until he returned because he met her right before he left. The dates were over a three month period. (During this time she was obviously unaware of this and was thinking things were going well. They started to plan on moving (same area, different house and schools) and so purchased a house which is yet to be built.) So, in other words, he said or acted like he was working on things and he was going out on dates - this time in their own area!
Anyway he cried, apologized said he'd never do it again, blah blah blah.
Well, this past week she comes to find out through major questioning that he took a visiting coworker, pretty and 12 years his junior to dinner and also out for drinks. He says the drinks happened because he followed her to the airport to be sure she got their ok because she got lost on the way in. The dinner he said was because she was all alone and he felt sorry for her. He told her about the night he was going to dinner, but he said he was going with a bunch of visiting people - all guys!!
To top it off, for their dinner, he picked her up at her hotel about 10 miles north of their house and then drove her to a cozy little Italian restaurant about 6 miles south of their house. There are many restaurants where her hotel was but he chose this very impressive, quaint Italian restaurant, which by the way is her favorite.
So, now they have a house contact with money down, She's in school full time for nursing and not working, they have three kids and shehas a chronic, hopefully not progressive, disease.
What would you do? I always thought if I found out about cheating I'd leave in a heartbeat, but it's not that easy. How many chances does she give this guy?? How many chances would you give him?
Does she stay and allow him to do this again or trust that he won't? He continually promises he won't do this stuff and then does and says he didn't realize that it was inappropriate until she talks to him about it ---DUH!!
Please give me your input -