warning: kind of a heavy topic for friday...
but i figure this is a good place to come to for advice from all points of view....
i talked to a few people about this back before christmas and got some wonderful words of understanding and advice (thanks especially michelle nurse!
) but, i decided to let it go as things started improving between my parents. frankly, i got tired of thinking about it and needed a break. my mom won't talk to me about it or much of anything, but my dad seemed more positive over the past months.
hmmm, let me sum up, mom had been having a non-physical relationship (don't know if i buy that knowing the guys multiple past affairs) with a married family friend. went on for a few months before my dad found out, kept going on after dad found out and gave many chances for mom to "decide". finally it seemed like mom realized what she almost lost (dad, sisters, family etc) in jan. & agreed to counciling from their church and all seemed improving. my parents started building the home they'd been planning on land they had already bought, etc.
i find out today at lunch with my dad, that mom has not been honest about the past couple months & contact with this guy, has been again drinking to "fill the void" she said, which causes her to not have any memory of what she's said or done (unfortunately saw this first hand on father's day) and told my dad that if "the other guy" would ask her to call him she probably would??
i'm kind of like huh what happened here.
needless to say, my dad is lost as to his next step, he's made it very clear to her that he's bargained with her and suggested enough ideas and solutions to deal with her obvious unhappiness with their marriage or her life or whatever, that he can't do that anymore-so if he finds out anymore of the same she will have to leave.
this breaks my heart that it has come to this and she still doesn't seem to believe it is reality. she is still doing lots of planning for their new home and keeps reiterating she wants the home because it's best for them and their future, as if everything is well. the only thing i can gather is she just doesn't think she will ever lose my dad, she can have her cake and eat it too. the financial burden my dad is now set in is just another problem since he never wanted it in the first place, she felt she needed the security of a home "they'd never sell".
sorry that was more than a sum up. :imbar i guess this just took me by surprise, i thought things were getting better until now. i post this because i'd love to understand from any or all sides if anyone's been there. i'd like to understand my mom & what it will take to put a rest to whatever she's going through. (if that is possible) and i'd also like to be able to give my dad some wise words or encouragement. he's become very close to me through all of this and i'd like to be able to offer more. my grandma (mom's mom) also is clueless.
do you think there is anyway i can make a difference to my mom, the last time i tried, she refused to listen or talk to me. i'd appreciate the help.
Jun 22, '02
Mom's in limbo and cannot make a decision, because,...the man she wants is still cohabitating with his wife. If he left his wife, Mom would be outa there in a New York minute. And, my guess is,...mom would leave the two little girls behind. You don't deceive, lie, transgress and all the other stuff she is doing, if you put your children first.
This man is her first and only concern now. Why not tell the man's wife what's going on? They are all adults, get it out in the open.
Drinking "to fill the void" means getting a buzz on, drinking to oblivion...sleeping it off....killing the hours..."can't bear to pass the time sober....it hurts too much without sweetie," so, she drinks until she can be with sweetie again. It's a surefire way to "fill the hours".
The local church pastoral counseling cannot fix this. Your mom doesn't want it fixed..She wants to be with her hunny.
Don't buy that "it's not physical", ..... when adults have affairs, they're not holding hands.
Your dad need to see a lawyer, a good one...big time...real fast....to find out where he stands legally.
Last edit by prn nurse on Jun 22, '02