Haven't slept for 2 nights, really upset, (long) opinions please...

  1. Many of you know about my 25 y/o daughter who is married and I have an 11 mo old grandson.

    My daughter married this man 12 years her senior, he had a history of cocaine abuse and of spending money on "gay" porn lines saying that he'd never touch another man only that he's "bi-curious". Supposedly (I never believed it) he had a religious awakening and was 100% drug free and no longer spending money on porn before they got married. We didn't approve but never the less gave them the wedding they wanted. Both their first marriages. We spent alot of money, against our better judgement, but we did it because we love our daughter.

    It seemed everything has been ok over the past couple of years but I would notice that although he made as much money as my daughter that he never seemed to have money and she was paying 75% of the bills and he was having bounced checks. I thought MIL keep your nose out of their business. Her husband loves to cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shopping, etc.....things my daughter doesn't do. I always thought that one day he would leave her for a man. He looks masculine but definately has female qualities about him. She told me that she also felt it was a possiblity in the future.

    There were times when I could tell she was upset but I didn't ask but it was apparent to me that she was trying to hide something.

    Now Fast Forward to this past Friday night. My daughter called me at 9:00pm was crying and said can you come over. Of course I went straight over. My dear SL had left with the baby at 6:00pm saying he was going to get a milk shake at Sonic and had not yet returned and would not answer his cell phone. She has his pin code and checked his voice mail and he would have messages and then no messages so she knew he was getting her messages. She was crying and begging him to bring the baby home. We called the Police. They would do nothing because the baby is his child. I told the Police he's very possibly under the influence of cocaine and that didn't make any difference.

    Disappearing for hours is what he would do when he was on cocaine. Now my daughter tells me that he's been doing this for all of their marriage. He's been disappearing about once a week and coming home early in the morning but this was the first time he had taken the baby with him so she thought she should tell me. I did not freak out, I was only supportive. I knew she probably did not tell me because she thought I would freak and cause trouble. So I purposely stayed calm. We drove around looking for him. Nothing. At 1:00 am he showed up, came in, put the baby down, turn around and left. Didn't say a word. Now my daughter tells me that her dh has been speding $500-$750 a month on gay porn lines!!!!!! He continues to profess that he's only curious.

    I stayed the night with her and we talked. She said it was obvious to her that he was gay and that he would always be an addict of one type or another and that she had gone to a lawyer 2 weeks ago to file for divorce. I didn't offer any opinions, I only listened. She said I'm throwing him out of the house. This morning she told me she did talk to him and told him to come get his stuff she had packed up and that he could not come over for any reason, that she had filed for divorce, she intended to ask for full custody with him having only supervised visitation. She plainly did not trust him with the baby. I did agree with her on those points. I was going to go to her place tonight at 5:00pm to babysit while she went to a John Mayer/Cheryl Crow concert with her father and brother as planned weeks ago. I told her it would do her good to go ahead with her plans.

    2:00pm I get a call that her dh is going to babysit and that she can't stand to let him sleep in his car at night to she let him stay there last night and is going to let him stay there every night and sleep on the couch until he can get his act together. Not 15 minutes before she called me I saw her and she told me Thank You for babysitting, she didn't want dh around the baby, etc, etc.......then all of a sudden a complete turnaround. I feel like I've been played for a fool. She has always been afraid to spend the night alone and said she no longer was and would be fine. I feel now like she knew he would be there spending the night and that why she wasn't scared. I want to stay out of her business, she has to learn from her own mistakes but I can help but feeling duped by my own daughter.

    Why tell me that she throwing him out? Not letting him have time alone with the baby? That she realizes he is a liar and that there is no real future with him? That obviously he is gay, that he spends all of his paycheck on drugs and porn and she can't tolerate that anymore and then this big turn around? I started to cry. She said I love you Mama but I'm stuck between you and my dh. I told her no you're not stuck you choose what you want to do and don't worry about my feelings or what my opinions are, it's your life to live and to choose and as your Mother I'll get over it and still be supportive. She said Thank You Mama, I love you.

    I did tell her though that I would no longer babysit on dh's days off. He "poor baby" is stressed working 5 days and taking care of the baby for 2 days. I told her if you trust him with the baby and he says he wants to spend so much time with the baby then I will not babysit on his days off. He'll just have to deal. I enjoy my days off myself, I've raised my children and I want to do what I want with my time. I also have to make my own decisions and that you'll have to deal with.

    I have tried to give my SIL every benefit of the doubt, in the past, I have gone out of my way to be nice to him and to respect his feelings. Treat him equally. I hear that he always puts me down to my daughter.

    I desperately need some impartial opinions from my dear friends. Thanks, Joanna
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  2. 19 Comments

  3. by   VivaLasViejas
    I read your post several times over before I decided what I was going to say.

    Joanna, I truly feel for you.......we mothers worry the whole time we're raising our children, and just about the moment we think we can stop, they become adults with their own lives and then the REAL worrying begins! We no longer have a say-so in what they do, and having to give up control is a killer---especially when they conduct their lives in such a manner that causes us concern.

    I think you did the right thing by refusing to allow yourself to be used. You've done your time as a fulltime mom, and you've earned the right to decide how YOUR time will be spent. But I don't think your daughter is really 'playing' you.........she is literally torn between you and her loser husband, and even though this position is somewhat her doing, I feel she needs some moral support from you, because she certainly isn't going to get it from HIM. That doesn't mean you have to get sucked into the vortex, or play into his games.........in fact, if I were in your shoes I would simply ignore his existence entirely, at least as much as it's possible to do so. He is a worm who deserves neither your attention nor concern.

    Your daughter (and your grandson!) do deserve those things, however, and here's where you've got to be careful because you don't want to alienate her, or push her further towards the husband. She's at a cross-roads right now; in her heart of hearts, she KNOWS the marriage won't work, but she's frightened and she's hurt and she must try to save face at all costs. This isn't about you at all---it's about her fear of failure, of being alone, of having to start all over again.

    She's what, 25? That's not a vast age.........she hasn't even begun the process of becoming self-aware yet, let alone learned how her actions affect other people. She is probably easily manipulated; when she 'turned' on you the way she did, it was more than likely because HE got to her and talked her out of her plans, not because she wanted to hurt you. She sounds to me like a very mixed-up and confused young woman, and she's in a tug-of-war. Your job, right now, is to let go of your end of the rope---be there for her, be supportive and as non-judgmental as you can possibly be, and DON'T attempt to talk some sense into her. She's not ready to hear it. Someday he will make one mistake too many and alienate her for good, but that time, obviously, has not arrived yet...........and there's nothing a mom can do to make it come any faster.

    I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I know you love your dd and grandson just as I do mine, and my heart hurts for all of you.

    Of course, if you feel your SIL may be a danger to your grandson because of drugs, none of this applies.........that's when you call Childrens' Services and report him! No one, not even a natural parent, has the right to bring cocaine or other illegal and/or harmful substances into a home where small children live.

    Wishing for a good outcome for all concerned.:icon_hug:
  4. by   SouthernLPN2RN
    I am sooo sorry y'all are going through this. I think you did the right thing. I know (being 25 myself, lol) that saving face may mean a lot to your DD right now, even if she wouldn't admit it. It's difficult to let go of the fairy tale. Good luck and I'll pray for y'all.
  5. by   tencat
    You are doing the right thing by stepping back, but still being available for her and your grandson. I think it's good for you to set boundaries (ie: No babysitting if the $*%$# SIL is around to babysit). I don't think your daughter is necessarily 'playing' you. People like your SIL are very manipulative, and G-d only knows what he's said to her. Hang in there. I think you're handling it in a good way. Marla's advice is excellent. Hugs to you. :icon_hug:
  6. by   leslie :-D
    his cocaine habit is what bothers me more than anything.
    such a dangerous drug w/frightening se's: agitation, paranoia, psychosis, aggression, hallucinating/delusional, violence....all of these are very real possibilities when one is high on coke.

    the only other thing i would consider, is to place an anonymous call to child protective services and ask about the implications of a parent who uses cocaine...would there be a need for intervention, i.e., outside supervision?
    other than that, your daughter will likely remain ambivalent in secretly knowing her husband is gay vs. wishful thinking in hoping he's not.

    i would for the most part, try to step back.
    but again, it's the cocaine use that concerns me most, and would consider that phone call.

    my heart hurts for you joanna.
    with peace,

    leslie
  7. by   UM Review RN
    I've never been in a situation like that, so I don't feel I can offer you any useful advice, but I do sympathize. Please know that we care and you can find support here, Joanna.
  8. by   canoehead
    I certainly sympathize, and I admire your self restraint. I think you did exactly what you needed to do. As long as she knows you will always be there for her well, that's half the battle. She has someone to turn to when she finally decides to cut this guy loose, thank goodness.

    You are going to have to find a good friend or hubby to keep up this level of restraint is what I think. I'm glad your grandson has someone with such good sense in his life. I'm willing to bet that in time his mom will turn out the same, she just needs a few more years of experience.
  9. by   Grace Oz
    Ditto what Marla wrote. Excellent advice, Marla!

    (((hugs))) It's not easy being a parent!
    Sending you warm thoughts and moral support.
    Cheers.............
  10. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I can't add anything wise or smarter than what Marla and Leslie said. I have no experience here. But I wanted you to know you are on my mind and I am pulling for ya!
  11. by   NaomieRN
    I am sorry to hear about your situation. The only person who can help is Jesus. He can break every unholy soulties. You have to really pray for you daughter if you believe in God. Good luck to you, I will be praying for her.
  12. by   nurse4theplanet
    I can not even imagine having to go through this! How horrible for you. You will be in my prayers.

    Your daughter is an adult and will make her own decisions, whether they are good for her or not. As much as it kills you as her mother to see her suffer, and your grandbaby suffer, due to those mistakes...you have to let her make them. And just be supportive like you are doing! Let her know that no matter what...you will be there for her!

    I hope she finds the strength to leave this loser for good!

    God Bless!
  13. by   NursesRmofun
    It's a tough spot because you really have little or no control over your daughter and less control yet over your sil. I feel for you. My best advice is to try to keep an eye on the situation, talk calmly to your daughter telling her your fears for your grandchild and for her, and report him if you think he is a danger to the baby. Good luck.
  14. by   DDRN4me
    (((((Joanna))))))

    though I have never had the same experience, I do have to agree with Marla that she is scared, unsure and trying to find her own way...she still loves your SIL; and is having a hard time admitting to herself that this is going to be over.
    I agree that you have raised your children and should not have the responsibility of your dgs on all of her work days...however I personally would need to "check in " or offer to take him part of one day just so I could assess the situation with the cocaine. chances are that he is not doing it with his son there but looking for the opportunity to have the free time to not have his son with him.

    Prayers that your daughter finds the strength she needs. and for you to help her as only a mom knows how,Mary

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