Had to do a very hard thing today...feel so guilty.....

  1. Well....you all know my mom moved in with me from Colorado. Things are fine there and we have had no problems, but what you don't know is my brother and his girlfriend had moved to Colorado and came back to Arkansas with her. Before they came I told them they could not stay with me and they needed to make other arrangements so they did.
    Before I go any farther let me give you some background.....my brother will not keep a job. His girlfriend works....sometimes, but always quits or gets fired after a few months. I have let him stay with me before and it was with promises of getting a job and doing this and that......never happened. He would call me and ask for money....I would give it to him if I had it. I have done for him. My mom has as well...she won't let him stay with her when he gets an apartment because he is mean to my 15 year old sister and can become violent(throwing and breaking things) and so on.
    They arrived 9 days ago and My brother and his girlfriend went to her moms......by the next day her mom and told them they couldn't stay with her.....I don't know the whole story so....they went to his girlfriends sisters and that lasted until yesterday(I think it was 4 days) until sister and her hubby got into fight....brothers girlfriend got in middle....that was that. Today they were at his girlfriends grandmothers who said they can not stay there(they haved lived there for months at a time with no work) so guess who gets a call at 1:30 PM. He is all depressed sounding and asked if I would come get him and his girlfriend(over and hour away when you figure back and forth and I have kids to pick up at 3). I told him I would talk to mom and call him back....talked to her and found out he had no plans so I called and asked him where I was supposed to take them and he just flat out stated we don't have anywhere so I guess your house. I told him I can't have you two here....I'm sorry but I can't and he didn't even say a word...just hung up on me.
    Now I feel like crap....I feel so guilty. I have a 3 bedroom 1100 SF house with 3 adults and 3 kids fulltime right now and then 2 more kids part time. I am trying to study to pass my classes and help my mom get her self together after the mental beating she has taken from my sister the last year. I feel like I am losing my mind somedays. Now I don't even know if I turned my own brother out on the streets.....mom and I talked and she said we have to quit bailing him out or he will never stand on his own....I still feel enormous guilt. I know I need to worry about my family(including my mom and sister), my school, and getting ready for Nursing I......I know the cycle and what it would be if he were here.....I have done it so many times.....as have others hence the reluctance of others to let him stay there.
    What would you have done? Did I do the right thing? I feel I did, but it's so hard. Tough love sucks.
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  3. by   kaycee
    You did the right thing! {{{{{Robin}}}}
  4. by   Rena RN 2003
    yes, you did the right thing.
  5. by   Robin61970
    Thanks Kaycee and Rena........It still sucks though.....

    Edited to add Rena who was posting as I was!
  6. by   Jenny P
    Robin, you have to set priorities and your brother has to grow up. You have 6 ppl full time in an 1100 sq. ft., 3 bedroom house plus 2 part time kids. You have enough going on without adding 2 deadbeats to your household.

    I joined Al-Anon while my son was messing with drugs; and I learned that sometimes a person has to hit bottom before they finally realize they have to change. Maybe your brother needs to do that also; exhaust all of his options in order to grow up and be responsible for himself.

    Don't feel guilty for saying NO to him; my guess is that he should begin to feel guilty for burning all of his bridges. You have tried; he hasn't.

    >>>I forgot to mention that my son absolutely HATED me when I kicked him out of the house (it tore me apart to do it, too) because of his drug use and inability to follow our house rules; but it was a turning point for him and made me realise that HE had to take responsibility for himself and his actions, I was not the one at fault!
    Last edit by Jenny P on Nov 12, '02
  7. by   stevierae
    You did absolutely the right thing. You would be doing your brother no favors by enabling him. Read "Co-Dependent No More" if you have not already done so.

    You have to learn to take care of yourself first. Join a co-dependent's support group; you will get more insight and learn how to say no without feeling guilty--it is all about setting boundaries.

    You may well find out that your mom may need to learn to stand on her own 2 feet, as well. She may benefit from the meetings by learning how to set boundaries with both your sister and your brother.

    Good luck!!! I feel so badly that all this has to fall upon your shoulders--in the middle of nursing school, yet.
  8. by   bagladyrn
    Absolutely right! I agree with all of the above posts. Been there with an alcoholic brother. Right doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though, and being your brother, I'm sure he knows all the buttons to push to play on your guilt. You do need to remember that your first responsibility is to your family, especially the children and not introduce such a disruptive influence, esp. with a history of violent behavior into the household.
    Hang in there and come here for support when you need it.
  9. by   JonRN
    Hang in there Robin, I have been through all this with my son. It was very tough and it hurt but in the end once people quit enabling him, he turned out to be a pretty good responsible guy. If we hadn't turned him out, he would stiill be here in our house sleeping until noon every day. Take care.
  10. by   caroladybelle
    Read co-dependant no more!!!!

    You did the right thing - do not feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). Sometimes tough love is essential.
  11. by   renerian
    YOu did the right thing. Sometimes people have to get to the lowest point in their lives before they help themselves. Don't feel guilty at all.

  12. by   kmchugh

    You did absolutely the right thing, and have nothing to feel guilty about. Your responsibilities do not include caring for and feeding your brother and his girlfriend. They are adults, responsible for themselves. It sounds as though they have worn out their welcome everywhere else. If nothing else, that alone is the biggest clue that to take them in puts a big, red stamp on your forehead that says SUCKER! So, he hung up. Hopefully, now he will grow up. If not, well, not your problem.

    Kevin McHugh
  13. by   hoolahan
    Ditto to what everyone said above. He has created his own problems, you didn't create his problems. He must learn to stand on his own two feet exactly as mom said. If you don't do it now, They will be in their 60's and calling on you, as my mom and uncle do to my 84 yr old grandmother who bails them out to this day. I guess she nenevr thought about what would happen to them when she died one day. I'll tell you what, I won't be the one to bail them out! Neither is my sister. Mom went to live w her for "two weeks", that was several years ago now!

    That is why they call it "tough love". It isn't easy to watch the people you love suffer, but it has to happen or they will never grow, and learn to care for themselves. {{{{{{Robin}}}}}}
    Wow! (((((Robin)))))

    I know it was hard, but it was the right thing to do. You are not responsible for him and his happiness. He writes his own ticket.