George Carlin Philosophy

  1. 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
    monkeys and apes?

    5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
    the bad girls live.

    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
    section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
    aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

    8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
    there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (YES!!)

    10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
    himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    11. Is there another word for synonym?

    12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

    13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

    14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
    plant?

    15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
    will clean them?

    18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
    to remain silent?

    22. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

    23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

    24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

    25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
    people.

    More Carlin:
    1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

    2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

    4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

    6. If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

    7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

    9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

    10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    12. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

    13. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a
    plane crash,why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

    14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    15. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he
    become disoriented?
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  2. 7 Comments

  3. by   nursedawn67
    Makes you think and wonder doesn't it?? LOL
  4. by   Ted
    :chuckle

    George Carlin is the man!!

    Ted
  5. by   NurseDennie
    I saw George Carlin once, and he stood on stage, just looking at us. It was incredible. He'd change positions every so often and look like he didn't believe what he was seeing. We all were howling with laughter!

    Love George Carlin. He appeals to that small but very sick part of me.

    Love

    Dennie
  6. by   aimeee
    Nicely warped. Couldn't believe my eyes and ears the first time I saw him as Mr. Conductor though.
  7. by   kids
    Originally posted by aimeee
    Nicely warped. Couldn't believe my eyes and ears the first time I saw him as Mr. Conductor though.
    I agree

    I don't know which was harder to take in 'tho...George Carlin or Ringo Starr!
  8. by   Nittlebug
    Dudes ! I love, love, love George Carlin ! Thankyou, I'm printing this one up as I type !
  9. by   eldernurse
    Was George Carlin a nurse or is it that he thinks like one?

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