Funny Thoughts

  1. I got this in an e-mail, thought I'd pass it on...

    > > They get funnier as you go down! This is definitely worth
    reading.
    > >A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than
    an
    > >ambulance.
    > >
    > > 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front
    > >of a skating rink.
    > >
    > > 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the
    way
    > >to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
    > >can buy cigarettes at the front.
    > >
    > > 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
    large
    > >fries, and a diet coke.
    > >
    > > 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then
    > >chain the pens to the counters.
    > >
    > > 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
    dollars
    > >in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    > >
    > > 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen
    calls
    > >and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
    > >want to talk to in the first place.
    > >
    > > 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
    > >buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
    > >
    > > 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe
    > >the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
    > >'bloodsucking creatures'.
    > >
    > > 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with
    > >Braille lettering.
    > >
    > > EVER WONDER ~~~~
    > >
    > > Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
    > >
    > > Why women can't put on mascara with their
    > > mouth closed?
    > >
    > > Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
    > >
    > > Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    > >
    > > Why is it that doctors call what they do
    > > "practice"?
    > >
    > > Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
    > >
    > > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
    > >liquid is made with real lemons?
    > >
    > > Why is the man who invests all your money
    > > called a broker?
    > >
    > > Why is the time of day with the slowest
    > > traffic called rush hour?
    > >
    > > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    > >
    > > When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
    > >
    > > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    > >
    > > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
    > >
    > > You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
    > >Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
    > >
    > > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    > >
    > > Why are they called apartments when they
    > > are all stuck together?
    > >
    > > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
    progress?
    > >
    > > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
    > >
    > > ~~~~~
    > >
    > > In case you needed further proof that the
    > > human race is doomed through stupidity,
    > > here are some actual label instructions
    > > on consumer goods.
    > >
    > > On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while
    > > sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
    > >
    > > On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase
    necessary.
    > >Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
    > >
    > > On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and
    > >that would be how??...)
    > >
    > > On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but,
    > >it's "just" a suggestion.)
    > >
    > > On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
    > > bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
    > >
    > > On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
    > >heating." (...and you thought????...)
    > >
    > > On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but
    > >wouldn't this save me more time?)
    > >
    > > On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
    > >machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
    > >rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
    with
    > >head-colds off those forklifts.)
    > >
    > > On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm
    > >taking this because???....)
    > >
    > > On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
    > >only." (as opposed to...what?)
    > >
    > > On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
    > >(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
    > >
    > > On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a
    news
    > >flash)
    > >
    > > On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    > > "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
    > >Delta?)
    > >
    > > On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
    > >enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
    > >this one.)
    > >
    > > On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
    hands
    > >or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
    > >
    > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
    > >stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
    even
    > >a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile
    every
    > >once in a while.
    > >
    •  
  2. 3 Comments

  3. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    A few useless facts for you....

    Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

    Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

    A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

    4.People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

    When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart!

    Only 7% of the population are lefties.

    40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

    Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

    The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

    The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

    The average housefly lives for one month.

    40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

    A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

    The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

    Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

    Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

    The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

    The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

    John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

    Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

    In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

    Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

    The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

    Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

    Humphrey Begirt was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.

    If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
  4. by   ptnurse
    GREEN Cola-Cola----Now that is gross and just when I was getting over the idea of ever possibly eating a spider in my sleep(or any other time).
  5. by   BadBird
    OMG, eating a spider EEEEEEEK !!!!!!!!!

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