Friday Funnies

  1. 10 first place winners in the international pun contest

    1. a vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. the
    stewardess looks at him and says, "i'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
    per passenger."

    2. two fish swim into a concrete wall. the one turns to the other and
    says "dam!"

    3. two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
    craft. unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
    kayak and heat it too.

    4. two hydrogen atoms meet. one says "i've lost my electron." the other
    says "are you sure?" the first replies "yes, i'm positive."

    5. did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root
    canal? his goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. a group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were! standing
    in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. after about an
    hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "but
    why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said, "i can't stand
    chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    7. a woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. one of them goes to
    a family in egypt and is named "ahmal." the other goes to a family in spain;
    they name him "juan." years later, juan sends a picture of himself to his
    mother. upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
    she also had a picture of ahmal. her husband responds, "they're twins! if
    you've seen juan, you've seen ahmal."

    8. these friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
    small florist shop to raise funds. since everyone liked to buy flowers from
    the men of god, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
    unfair. he asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. he went
    back and begged the friars to close. they ignored him. so, the rival florist
    hired hugh mactaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
    "persuade" them to close. hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
    saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. terrified, they did so,
    --- thereby proving that only hugh, can prevent florist friars.

    9. mahatma gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. he also ate very little,
    which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
    breath. this made him ...(oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... a super
    calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. and finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
    friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
    no pun in ten did.

  2. 3 Comments

  3. by   texas_lvn
    I love them all, but 9 is my favorite!!!
  4. by   sirI
    Too funny, tnbutterfly.
  5. by   gwenith
    Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
    layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
    fertilize the eggs.

    Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the
    soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb
    got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance,
    which rooster was performing.

    Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
    listening to the bells.

    Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.

    But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not
    rung at all!!

    Zeb went to investigate.

    The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets,
    hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
    ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

    Brewster was an overnight sensation.

    The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the