Freedom from the darkness at last.(lengthy)

  1. First of all I feel the need to thank all of you for your support and prayers over these last difficult weeks. It has meant the world to me. My story is a long and painful one. Some of you may be surprised by what I write here, but I also feel that once everything is put into its proper context, you will all understand. I've always had a love/hate relationship with my father. Now please understand I'm not trying to speak ill of the dead here. Just letting you know why I'm the person that I am. My father was a very violent man. I always dreaded his arrival home from work, whether it be night shift or day shift, I always dreaded his arrival home. For his arrival always meant one thing. As soon as my mom went to the door to let him in she was greeted with a closed fist in her face. He was animalistic in his rage. I always felt so helpless as I had hid under the furniture and heard her screams for mercy as he continue to punch and kick her unmercifully. We could never know or predict the sea changes in his soul that would st the beast loose in our house. He never apologized to her, Hell, he never even admitted he did it in the first place, Always said he never laid a hand on herr, but he and I both knew the truth. I alwys felt so helpless, worthless, and guilty for not being able to help my mom then. Even if it meant calling the cops, or running to a neighbors house. But I did nothing but feel that awful sinking helpless feeling as she got beaten. I know that I probably suffer from PTSD. I've had countless nightmares and flashbacks about those horrrible days, alwys waking up at 1:30 in the morning with a river of sweat pouring down my chest, and my head roaring from a pounding headache. Now I know what you must be asking yourselves, Why didn't she leave him? Well you have to keep in mind that women back in the 70's were without the support and shelters that are in place today. Back in the day, A woman could only be in a shelter forr 24 hours before being told to get out. Anyway I always hated him and and even prayed for his death on several occasions. Then I prayed for rmy death while the fighting raged on. Now fast forward to the present day. As you all know, I 've been battling depression lately because of my dad's death. I've been battling deep seated feelings of unworthiness,and I couldn't find out why. Well after talking to my best friend Duckie tonight, the reason finally came out why. When my dad died, part of me felt relief. Such sweet relief. Now don't get me wrrong here, I'm sad for his loss, but I also know that I don't have to hyper-vigilant all the time either, like I have been for so many years. My first thought was he can't hurt us anymore now. Not ever. Oh the relief I felt at first! Then I felt horribly guilty for having those feeling. I thought that no decent person could possibly feel that way about their own dad. So I buried those feelings until tonight's conversation with Sherry. By some miracle, she managed to get me to admit to having these feelings, and gently kept assuring me they were normal, and that I wasn't a bad person for feeling this way. Well my emotional dam broke and I cried uncontrollably for several minutes. I was finally free. It was out in the open for the world to know. I know now that I'm free of my personal darkness forever, especially since I was able to forgive him several months ago for the past. I let all of that go. And once I did, my dad and I were able to have a good relationship for the last few months of his life. On the last day, he made both my mom and mee breakfast. Everything was fine until my mom made the mistake of asking him for sausage. Well, he just EXPLODED in rage and indignation. So I gathered all the courage I had and told him "You can't treat her like that, not after what all she's been through. He told us both to shut up, but I told him flat out, that if he EVER exploded like that to her again that he could get the hell ou of the house. Well a few hours later I found him on the ground in the front yard. I called 911, and attempted CPR, but it was not meant to be I guess. So I felt riddled with guilt over my initial feelings after his passing. But I am so thankful that I have a friend that will keep after me until the answers are found. So I'm here to tell you that FINALLY I HAVE COME OUT OF THE DARKNESS, And a great weight has been lifted form my chest. Feel spent, but in a good kinda way. I love you Sherry, and thank you for believing in me. It means so much more than words can say right now. The nightmare is finally over,and I'm free to let down my guard at long last. Whew!!! Quite a novel huh? I just needed to let you all know about my struggle and catharsis and the insights I gained tonight. Hope this story can inspire or help somebody out in some small way. I love you all. Thanks allnuses sibs for listening.
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  2. 17 Comments

  3. by   DIPLOMATICRN4HIRE
    Amazing what occurs when you just chip away at a wall, Your a strong woman, and so is your mother. Even stronger for standing up, for yourself and your mother. I do hope you contiue with your healing, it will not happen overnight, but IT will happen. This happened over years so , you have many walls to knock down, But the first wall is the worst as you can see. Take your time and allow yourself to heal at each stage.
    You are a very strong woman and I do hope one day you realize how many people you have helped with just allowing us to share your pain.
    God Bless
    Zoe
  4. by   emily_mom
    Thank you for sharing this with us. It must have been very difficult to type this. Like Zoe said, I think you are a very strong woman. You have a wonderful friend in Duckie, and you both are very blessed to have found each other. God bless.

    Kristy
  5. by   Love-A-Nurse
    (((((theresa))))).
  6. by   jevans
    Theresa

    GOOD for YOU doll:kiss

    It is a difficult struggle and now there is some light. I only too well understand your pain but now is the time to live--

    You only get one chance GO FOR IT

    To you I send my heart felt support and strength to carry forward and leave behind shame and anger [for there is nothing to be shameful about. As for the anger it is justified but it's time to leave it]

    with love

    jacky
  7. by   nursegoodguy
    Now you'll be able to go on...
    I think there are a lot of people who came from similiar backgrounds and what we go through can manifest itself in so many ways later in life...
    Now for you it's time to get strong and start to feel good!
  8. by   renerian
    You sound like your finding some strength. You sounded so tired when we talked on Christmas.

    Hugs,
    renerian
  9. by   DebsZoo
    .
    Last edit by DebsZoo on Apr 20, '03
  10. by   duckie
    I want to thank you all for your positive feedback here. I told Theresa last night, the demons are gone, they cannot hurt you anymore and if you do not go on with your life, then you may as well as have died with Ted. Don't get me wrong, I saw Ted a couple of times but the Ted I saw was not the one that caused the pain and suffering for Theresa and Ruth all those years. It's easy to be humbled when you're old and feeble. I often think the reason that Theresa and I connected was because so much of our past matches, except in my case, I was the one being abused, not watching it. I have coped with everything because even at a young age, I knew it was their problem, not mine. A child does not deserve what happened to me and Theresa's mom did the best she could and always protected Theresa, even going into a fire to pull her to safety, risking her own life and causing serious injury to herself. I asked Theresa to make this post. I felt it would help cleanse her from the guilt and pain. I forgave my abusers a long time ago, but they are no longer in my life. It would be so much more difficult if it had been an immediate family member that I was forced to deal with on a daily basis. Thank you for supporting Theresa, she truly is a dear person and I know in time the pain will end and she will move on, but no healing is immediate. I ask that you please keep her in your prayers. Duckie
  11. by   jemb
    Theresa, welcome to the light. My circumstances were different, but I, too, have experienced that sense of relief upon the passing of my parent.

    ((((hugs))))
  12. by   RNIAM
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is sometimes hard to believe that a person can feel relief over the death of someone they love but it can happen. Thank you for being free enough to share your story. It touched my heart in a very special way.
  13. by   spineCNOR
    Thanks for sharing your story Teresa-- your AllNurses' name, Warrior Woman, is so appropriate. You have fought a very difficult battle, and survived.
    Wishing you peace,
    CC
  14. by   Jenny P
    Theresa, you have been through so much in your life. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist to help you through all of this (I know, you've heard that advice before). This is more than we, a collection of nurses on a BB, can help you all of the way through.

    I shall keep you in my prayers. May God bless you on this journey through life.

    Jenny

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