Father's Day...Father and Daughter Relationships....

  1. father's day is this coming weekend. i have no father/daughter relationship with my dad. he always thought of his six kids as "being in the way of how he wanted to live his life". as the fourth child of six, i always felt like my parents "fourth mistake". o what i would give to say the word "daddy" and feel my heart melt with the joy of knowing he loved me, but that will never happen because he never wanted his six children. i still long to hear him say to me...just once in his lousy life...that he loves me in a "healthy" way, so the abusive years can finally go to sleep in my heart for good. what kind of relationship do you and your father have? i feel blessed to have the ultimate of all fathers as my dad today...my creator, my father, my dad who loves me more than any earthly father ever could, or ever has. this is comforting to me. i embrace it wholeheartedly because i need to know that i am loved by a daddy somewhere out there in this great big universe.
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  3. by   DebsZoo
    Last edit by DebsZoo on Apr 20, '03
    I also don't have any type of relationship with my father. My mother, for reasons obvious to me also, didn't believe he was marriage material. So he was never really a part of my life.

    When I was about 10, he asked my mother if me could begin seeing me, getting to know me. She left it up to me and I was willing. He got really possessive, wanting alot of my time. Wanting me to call him (a stranger) "daddy." He would call, my mom would tell him I was playing outside (I was) and he would get weird, think my mom was keeping him from me. I was the one that decided I didn't want to see him anymore after he tried to get custody of me. The father that I never knew, that never knew what it was my mom and I struggled through in his absence, suddenly thought he was the best caregiver for me.

    When I was married I invited him. I'm not sure why, I just thought he should be there. For him, not for me. Some of the weirdness has crept back in, but not as bad as before. He still gets upset when I don't make time for him at holidays, but with my family and the inlaws, I just can't do anymore. I've told him, I've never known a dad, and that's something that won't change. It's gotten to the point where I think that the next time I move, I won't be leaving a forwarding address.

    This upsets my husband somewhat. He also had a father that didn't really want children. We saw him once, and my husband approached him. He had to introduce himself as his own father didn't recognize him. He says to me "you should be happy that your dad wants to be your dad."

    I never remember wishing or longing for a father. I guess my mother was just enough parent for me.

    I'll probably send a Father's Day card as a nice gesture. But I always send one to my mom.

  5. by   live4today
    :kiss and (((hugs))) to you, Debszoo. Our healing often comes in the sharing we do between one another, hearing one another's stories of how we grew up, how we 'feel' or 'don't feel' loved, and the whys behind it all. I know by reading others stories that I will heal because each person who shares becomes another rose who touches my heart with love. Thanks for sharing.
  6. by   live4today
    Hi Heather

    :kisses and (((hugs))) to you this time of year when Father's Day is being talked about, causing many of us to reflect - one way or another - on the presence of...or the absence of...that father many of us may STILL wonder about - or NOT...even if he is still very much present on earth. My own husband did not have a relationship with is father because his father does not want to acknowledge him as his son - legally or otherwise. He never paid child support for him during his childhood years, has never bought a present for him in his 38 years of life, has never telephoned him....all of which has been very painful for my husband to live with. He has tried to reach out on numerous occasions to his father, but the man has never once tried to honor my husband's need of him. His loss! One day...maybe...he'll feel sorrow for the father/son relationship that he passed on having with his oldest son...:stone

    I always thought my children had a good father until he did what he did to hurt us. Today, he tries to reach out to them, but the scars of his emotional absence in their life is difficult for them to overcome. They see him on occasion, and the grandchildren always want to know "who that man is". They say to their moms "I never knew you had a Dad, Mom." Again...his loss...:stone

    My father is a pedophile, and therefore cannot be around children. I NEVER left my kids alone with him, or even in the same room as him. They've only seen him twice in their whole life anyway, and neither time were they ever alone with him. They have always known about his "sickness", so they never wondered "why" they couldn't be with him, or why he was never to be trusted. Out of six children, my father hates me the most because I'm the one who brought the incestuous demon to its knees by bringing this generational curse to a forefront in hopes that NO MORE INCEST would ever have to be tolerated again in this family. When my dad asks me "why I had to bring out this mess", I say to him, "Look around you, Dad. Look at the innocent faces of all your grandchildren and great-grandchildren. THEY are the reason why incestuous activity has got to STOP in this family. I will NEVER stand by and put a child at risk for abuse, not even among my own kin...not when I know what I know that I know could save them from being abused in any way. It is my life's mission to protect ALL God's children from this sick sick disease! No child deserves to be abused, especially at the hands of some parent who is suppose to love and protect their offspring. So, on this Father's Day, my mission is to remind all that I can to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COST! Allow them to grow up healthy, happy, secure, emotionally strong, mentally stable, and spiritually at peace in their soul. Help them as much as you possibly can to "be alright in their world".

    Happy Father's Day to the great Dads out there! And for those who cursed their privilege to be Dads...well...may God help them all.
    Last edit by live4today on Jun 10, '02
  7. by   amblessing
    I did not grow up with my father around. My parents divorced when I was 1-year old. My father moved away and my mom remarried and my step father adopted me. That man was only my father until I was 7-years old.

    Over the next 11 years, my mother went on to marry many more "fathers" and none stuck around. Finally at the age of 32, I wanted to meet my real dad and he very much wanted to meet me. He also remarried, but he stayed married and had 3 boys (I have 3 brothers!). My dad and his wife and all of my brothers have accepted and embraced me and they have become a very important part of my life.

    What's the problem you ask? Sounds like a warm fuzzy story for Oprah, right? WRONG!!!:angryfire. My mother and her mother (yes, my grandma) have literally DISOWNED me for establishing a relationship with my father! It has been 38 years since their divorce and they STILL hold a grudge

    They refuse to speak to me and they refuse to see their grandchildren!

    So, yes I proudly announce to the world that I LOVE my dad even though I have only "known" him for the past 7 years. I know him better in 7 years then I've known my mother!

    LOVE YA DAD!!:kiss
    Last edit by amblessing on Jun 10, '02
  8. by   live4today
    Dear Ann
    :kisses and (((hugs))) to you too! I'm so happy for you and your real dad having this time in your life together. Your mother and grandmother are the ones losing out, not you. Do not allow their bitterness to rain on your parade of love for you, your father and your three brothers. Good for you for not allowing them to stop that relationship from developing and becoming what it is for you today. It takes courage - even in the midst of being afraid - to step forward and right the wrong in our lives. We can only do what we can, and fortunately for you, it all worked out for the good between you and your father. May your father/daughter relationship continue to blossom and become as fruitful in your life as you desire it to be.
  9. by   Lausana
    My dad is my step-dad. He's been my dad since I was 3.5 yrs old, so I usually "forget" I'm from a divorced home when the topic comes up! I think I was about 7 or so when I started calling him "dad" not that I called anyone else dad, I just had to be ready I guess

    When I got older we used to fight over everything, not because of the step relationship-but actually because we are so alike that it was as if he was my bio-parent! In the last few yrs we've really got to become friends and have a good relationship-minus the arguing...moving out seemed to do the trick, hehe. He's always loved me and my sisters just the same, although I can't say the same for his family. They define evil stepfamily, we always wonder how he turned out like he did growing up with them.

    (People who don't know about the step, not wanting to look stupid will comment that we kind of look alike, lol, couldn't look more different, I'm blond/blue eyes, he's Syrian-dark eyes hair...then if people have seem my mom, they "assume" I take after her :chuckle )

    My bio-father, is not my dad, never really has been even when my mom and him married (it was the catholic thing to do of course!) SO glad he's not in my life. He, in his 40's, is immature and only wants the responsibility of himself. Sometimes, I feel like I should try harder, although I did about 10 yrs ago with no luck, since he never married again or had other children, I'm it. But I already have a family, and don't need him, he's still a stranger. Supposedly he's changed a lot from when he and my mom were together "they were just young and stupid", but since he still drinks a lot I doubt that it's changed-he just doesn't have anyone to take it out on.

    All I can say is I'm so thankful my parents met (step-dad of course!) Now if I could just find a father's day present......
  10. by   live4today
    Leslie, it sounds like YOU are his father's day present. :kiss Give him a copy of the post you wrote about him here, and let him know how much you appreciate him. It's so wonderful to hear stories of stepdads turning out to be wonderful fathers to kids of men who deny their existence. Now, if I could only get my 70 year old mother to remarry a good step-daddy for me, I'd jump for joy! Mom says no man can match the love Jesus gives her, so why should she screw up a good thing again by marrying another man who will probably only turn out to be like the first idiot. She may have a point there...who am I to say. :chuckle
  11. by   indeed
    As a kid growing up, I didn't see much of me dad. He was stationed in Korea when I was born and that sort of set the tone for the rest of me childhood. But when I did see him, we were inseparable, even when we were fighting (which was often and fierce). I remember sitting there and just listening to him tell me stories about when he was in Vietnam....something he never really talked about with my siblings (not sure why). He was the biggest, smartest guy I knew and I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. Then I hit high school, and again followed in his footsteps by being the "deviant middle child" heh. At that point, I insisted I didn't want to grow up to be like him...normal high school bull. And to this day I will say something and me sister or brother will scream "GOO you sound just like DAD!!" and I just smile...

    In the last three years, he has become my best friend and most trusted confidant. I asked him once why he never acted this way toward me as a child. He told me because I, more than me bro or sister, needed a father much more than I needed a friend, and he's probably right about that. I still wish I could have understood him then like I do now, but no regrets eh. We talk on the phone at least once a week due to time constraints (he's a trucker now...something he always wanted to do and feels he CAN do now that we have all left home) and it never feels like it's long enough. When he comes home for his ten days every month, even if I only have two of those days off, I will drive the 250 miles as fast as my little car will take me to see him. He's the only man that ever made me cry and he's a guaranteed laugh every time. I call him Sarg these days. I have contemplated many times, for many different reasons, living in a world without him. I still remember being on vacation with me mates the month before nursing school started, and that vacation being cut short because he was on his way out. But the ol' bastard rallied and I gave him a swift kick in the shins for scaring me (when he was better of course ). I now just do what I can to be with him when I can and hope for the best for him. Garh, and now me vision is getting blurry...

    I will stop rambling here I guess. Suffice to say, I love Sarg (the big lug) and I hope for many more years of him. And I will be celebrating this father's day with abandon, 250 miles away, side by side with the coolest person I have ever met.

  12. by   Cindy_A
    I was very fortunate to have a wonderful father. Unfortunately he died way too young at age 53, 20 years ago. I miss him a lot........
  13. by   Sleepyeyes
    Originally posted by DebsZoo
    the move to Schenectady
    Woohoo,debs, I'm originally from Colonie!!

    My dad still lives in Albany. I miss going out dancing with him and going out to breakfast at the Gateway (is that still there???) Diner.

    He was my best going-out, philosophizing buddy as well as my Dad. :kiss He won't fly to see me here in FL though. I just hope I can afford to get up there one of these days to see him.
    Last edit by Sleepyeyes on Jun 10, '02
  14. by   nurs4kids
    My mom owns my heart, my dad owns my respect. I have great respect and admiration for him and i also have some resentment. He and I are much alike, so we rub each other the wrong way at times. He was always the "boss"..and there was no other way. You did things "because I said so"..with no explanation. You never explained your side of something, because kids had no side..to attempt to explain was "talking back". Those things I resent, but they have probably helped me be the outspoken person I am..and I like that about myself. Those things I disliked about my dad...they were small in the whole picture. My dad worked 7 days a week to give me everything I wanted (within reason). I never knew hunger or need..I hardly knew "want". My dad was great with quality time when I was a kid, although I was a girl and he worked all the time. My fondest childhood memories are those of me and dad riding motorcycles in the woods on the weekends. He took the time to teach me how to be independant..how to do minor work on automobiles (oil change, tires, etc) so I wouldn't have to depend on a man. He pushed me to be the best I could be..and he was quick to let me know if I wasn't pushing myself hard enough. He never pushed too hard, just hard enough. He taught me to enjoy life, but to respect it at the same time. I still rely on dad for information. I know my hubby gets irritated, because if we need to know how to do something, I call dad for advice even if hubby claims to know how it's done. I always say I wish I could insert a floppy into dad's head and download his wealth of information. He wasn't highly educated, formally..but he's got a world of valuable information in his head that he gained through life and self-education.

    All in all, I KNOW if it weren't for dad's strictness and encouragement, I wouldn't be where I am today. I'd probably be strung out on drugs...like my buddies from high school. He'd never criticize my friends, but he'd remind me that "birds of a feather flock together"... whether he knew it or not, that made alot of sense to a young adult. I knew which flock I wanted to fly with...
    last, but not least, if it weren't for dad, I definitely wouldn't be a nurse. he wanted one of his girls (I'm the last of three) to be a nurse. He sent the other two to school for nursing, one dropped out of college and the other decided on dental hygiene. I resented his push toward nursing, so I refused to even consider nursing out of high school. Ten years later, after stubbornness left..I decided to go to nursing school

    I thank God for my daddy.