Family Dynamics-Cohabiting After Incest/Sexual Abuse

  1. Yesterday, I heard of a new "problem" affecting a "friend of a friend's family".
    This is the second family that I personally know of that has had this same problem/situation, and both families responded about the same. I am curious if any of you have seen/heard/experienced anything like this.
    In both families, the mama divorced the daughter's daddy's and later remarried. The girls were 4-5 years old when the step-daddy came into the family.
    Everything went well for ten years. Good "step-daddy", (good "daddy substitute") for the girls. Seemed to be caring and involved dads.

    Girls hit 13- 14 years old.... girls are sexually active with 14-15-16 year old boyfriends. Momma puts them on the pill.
    These girls-from my observations- at age 14, are behaving like they are "the hottest" thing since sliced bread......or whatever.
    I figured it was just a "stage" adolescent girls go thru.

    Advance to girls at age 16-17, and they tell momma they had sex with the step-daddy. (Step-dad wasn't "the first".) In both families, he had sex with the girls after they had been sexually active for a year or more.
    In both families, momma calls the cops, charges are filed, step-dad moves out, does jail time--about 30 days-- does classes, community service--probation,......
    THEN after a couple of years or less, momma and step-dad get back together.....and in one family, they are all living together again.
    I don't know what to think of all this.... I need some objective opinions from people who do not know these people.

    One of the momma's is asking my opinion. She is torn as to "what should I do?" She wants to keep her husband, BUT, there is that nagging voice that keeps eating at her....."how can she explain/reconcile it with the daughter for the next 25 years?"
    The daughter told her to go ahead....live with him....she didn't care..didn't mind.... and now, they are all 3 in same house.

    Other than a smutty short story, I don't quite know what to make of all this. The daughter was not raped, etc. She was experienced sexually, so it was consensual sex. BUT, ...IMHO, step-daddy crossed the line....he was the adult. He took advantage.

    What do you all think?? What would you do?? I know the 1st reaction, response is to throw the bum out....they've been thru that/done that. Now what????
    I think what I am wondering , is,.......... is there any way of salvaging a marriage after this and keeping a meaningful mother-daughter relationship??
    •  
  2. 36 Comments

  3. by   CountrifiedRN
    Originally posted by passing thru


    Advance to girls at age 16-17, and they tell momma they had sex with the step-daddy. (Step-dad wasn't "the first".) In both families, he had sex with the girls after they had been sexually active for a year or more.

    Other than a smutty short story, I don't quite know what to make of all this. The daughter was not raped, etc. She was experienced sexually, so it was consensual sex. BUT, ...IMHO, step-daddy crossed the line....he was the adult. He took advantage.

    What do you all think?? What would you do?? I know the 1st reaction, response is to throw the bum out....they've been thru that/done that. Now what????
    I think what I am wondering , is,.......... is there any way of salvaging a marriage after this and keeping a meaningful mother-daughter relationship??
    Wow. What terrible situations. No matter the age of the girl when it happened, I don't think I would consider it 'consensual'. Even though the girl(s) had sex previously with boys their own age, there is a big difference in the maturity and mentality of teen vs adult. These girls saw these men as a father figure, and quite possibly did not want to consent but felt that to keep the love of their step fathers that was what they needed to do. I don't know if these girls biological fathers stayed a part of their lives, but speaking from personal experience, feeling abandoned by a biological father, even if there is a good step father, can really damages a girls psyche. She may feel that she needs to do anything to win a mans approval and keep him from abandoning her too. And unfortunately, in our society, when a girl starts developing, she realizes that her sexuality can be used as a type of power over men. But without experience or the insight to know why she does what she does, she can be easily coerced. Even if the girls are saying now that it was consensual, I wouldn't be surprised if years down the road they begin to see that the men took advantage of them at a vulnerable time in their lives and feel differently about the whole situation.

    The men knew what they were doing and knew it was wrong. I don't know how someone could let a man back into their lives who had done that to their child. I actually don't know how they escaped with their parts intact in the first place because my first reaction would be to castrate him and then boot him out of the house and take legal action. And never, NEVER, would I even consider trying to salvage anything from the marriage. These moms need to put their children as a first priority.

    Unfortunately I have seen the results of a few cases of child sexual abuse, two in my ex-inlaws families and one of a friend. I sincerely hope that these girls and their mothers are in therapy because this is something that can affect the girls for the rest of their lives.
  4. by   ptnurse
    No, there is absolutely no way to save this marriage and keep a meaningful mother-daughter relationship.
  5. by   FYG03
    if the husband had consensual sex with another person..then he cheated on his wife.
  6. by   FutureRN~Pookie
    Originally posted by ptnurse
    No, there is absolutely no way to save this marriage and keep a meaningful mother-daughter relationship.


    Took the words right out of my mouth!

    ~Kacy
  7. by   jnette
    NO way. Not only was he taking advantage of her young age and emotional immaturity, cheating on his wife..( I mean, how DEGRADING!)...
    setting the sorriest example for a grown man (so the stepdaughter now thinks this type of behavior is ok? For either him OR her?) and would certainly have this thinking validated if Mom takes him back... why would she even WANT him back? This is her DAUGHTER, for crying out loud ! If he messes with her own daughter, who ELSE is he messing with? And all live together now? Why would anyone think this wouldn't happen again?
    Perhaps even with the stepdaughter's girlfriends she brings around.... God forbid.

    Sad indeed. All the way around.
  8. by   colleen10
    Hello, Clue Phone, it's for you!

    Are these people serious about keeping the step father in their lives?

    Do they even realize that what they did was 1) cheating on the mother, 2) incestuous and 3) considered rape by most states.

    There is no question about it, these men need to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and booted out of the family never to be seen or heard from again.

    I can't even believe these women (mothers/wives) are even considering patching things up.

    Please tell me they are planning on going on Jerry Springer.
  9. by   BadBird
    WHAT???? You mean that idiot mother actually is considering taking a child molester back????? Give me a break, those poor kids are doomed.
  10. by   Lausana
    Originally posted by passing thru
    Yesterday, I heard of a new "problem" affecting a "friend of a friend's family".

    What do you all think?? What would you do?? I know the 1st reaction, response is to throw the bum out....they've been thru that/done that. Now what????
    I think what I am wondering , is,.......... is there any way of salvaging a marriage after this and keeping a meaningful mother-daughter relationship??
    I'm confused to the stories, are they gossip or actual accounts? What kind of mother would even question what to choose?
  11. by   Beach_RN
    That's exactly what I was thinking Leslie!
  12. by   J-RN student
    Originally posted by colleen10
    Hello, Clue Phone, it's for you!

    :chuckle
  13. by   dschlatet
    I think a mother who takes her sexual needs and puts them in front of her children. This thread makes my tummy hurt.
  14. by   Flynurse
    Oy vey!

close