Falling out of the sanity tree

  1. Tonite was the big and hurtful landing out of the sanity tree for me. I finally realized how truly depressed I am but now am without answers or resources on how to fix it. The last time I was this depressed, I ran my car purposefuly into a tree. I am scared.

    Work screws me over every time I step into the building.

    I am broke, my boyfriend thinks that I am made of money and cannot take no for an answer when he finds something he wants. Lately, it is buying stocks. Well, since you are making money in the market, technically you are reducing your debt he says. Yeah, that really gets my bills paid when I can't take the money out. If bills get paid, I have no money for me.

    I didn't feel good tonite, but yet took the incentive to mow the lawn so that he didn't have to. He belitteled me for mowing "so much" in a sarcastic tone. Then when I cooked him dinner he said that he wasn't going to eat my yucky pasta. He truly hurt my feelings, granted it wasn't a gourmet meal but he had eaten the meal in the past and I fixed him a plate.

    So, now that I am ready to do something about all of this, I truly feel trapped. I want to get help but I am essentially destitute and I would have to go to my own hospital for help. Which, I would rather run away than do. Pills don't help as I can't even get out of bed to remember to take them. I would call my friend,except I always complain or cry to her and I don't want to burden her anymore. What to do, what to do.

    Writing this has been somewhat therapeutic, you can ignore me now.
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  2. 40 Comments

  3. by   RNinICU
    First, get rid of the loser. I know that sounds harsh, but what is with him? What does he do, other than spend your money, while you work, pay the bills, cut the grass, and cook for him? Oh, yes, he belittles you. That is hard work. Someone like this will chip away at your self esteem and make you feel depressed and hopeless. You are a worthwhile person, and he seems to make you feel worthless. How can he love you when he tries to keep you from loving yourself? Perhaps you also need to get some counseling. Many hospitals have an employee assistance program that is confidential. Please, if you start to feel like you are going to hurt yourself, CALL SOMEONE. It can be a friend, a hotline, or if necessary, go to the ED where you work. We care about you, please care about yourself.
  4. by   slinkeecat
    Moon---

    Hey!!! Snap out of it!!!! I want to first say that as comic relief, now that I have your attention....

    Some times you have to stand a little rain to see a rainbow. If your boyfriend is consistantly mean to you, belittling or ungrateful, then you need to let go of that stone. STAND UP FOR YOUR SELF. If you love him tell him so, but make it clear that you need him to be supportive and if he cannot do that then you may need to rethink the situation and ask him to leave. Secondly, I am concerned that you have a past history of suicidal ideation and past attempt. If you feel that you are suicidal/hopeless and depressed, then you need some intervention.... Do you have access to like a 24/hr depression hotline? if so call it. If not then you may want to make a call and get an appointment with your DR and discuss these feelings. You may find that you need to take some paxil or whatnot to help yourself thru this, or maybe you need to DESTRESS and take a day or two off work and pamper yourself. As far as the pills go, no one likes to take a pill, but, sometimes it is a neccessary evil.. Maybe you just need to make a change. I hope you make some changes for yourself....call your friend..... friends know all about you and like you anyways!!!! take care
  5. by   slinkeecat
    RN in IICU types faster than I do..... I agree with her!!!!!! Talk to your employer for some counseling..... Do something!!!!!!
  6. by   live4today
    AMEN TO ALL THE ADVICE YOU ARE BEING GIVEN......LISTEN TO THEM....IT JUST MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! :kiss I'm praying for you moonshadeau.
  7. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Honey, get yourself some help fast. And lose the loser! We love ya and we're here for you, but we can only do so much from where we are. You're taking the right steps, you're reaching out... please don't stop reaching out...

    As always.... PM, IM, or email me if you need to talk....

    Heather
  8. by   dianah
    Please heed above post from RNin ICU. Nurses are SOO good at helping others, we tend to ignore ourselves to the point of endangerment sometimes. Your present mental state is more than a "concern," -- it IS good to vent, AND to proceed with steps to CHANGE situations so as not to be a VICTIM. Carpe diem: SEIZE THE DAY, seize your self-esteem, seize your life! You can do it. Turn it around: what would YOU do if a dear friend came to you with the same post you gave here???? Speak as a nurse and as a friend, please. HUGS to you!!
  9. by   debralynn
    :kiss Hugs and kisses for you Moon. Please get help. I too have been ready to end it all before. Maybe give anti-depressants another try. Go look in a mirror in your house. The person looking back at you deserves better than they are getting! Much better! You might have to remove the things in your life that make you this unhappy even if it is him. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
  10. by   Furball
    Originally posted by moonshadeau
    Tonite was the big and hurtful landing out of the sanity tree for me. I finally realized how truly depressed I am but now am without answers or resources on how to fix it. The last time I was this depressed, I ran my car purposefuly into a tree. I am scared.

    Work screws me over every time I step into the building.

    I am broke, my boyfriend thinks that I am made of money and cannot take no for an answer when he finds something he wants. Lately, it is buying stocks. Well, since you are making money in the market, technically you are reducing your debt he says. Yeah, that really gets my bills paid when I can't take the money out. If bills get paid, I have no money for me.

    I didn't feel good tonite, but yet took the incentive to mow the lawn so that he didn't have to. He belitteled me for mowing "so much" in a sarcastic tone. Then when I cooked him dinner he said that he wasn't going to eat my yucky pasta. He truly hurt my feelings, granted it wasn't a gourmet meal but he had eaten the meal in the past and I fixed him a plate.

    So, now that I am ready to do something about all of this, I truly feel trapped. I want to get help but I am essentially destitute and I would have to go to my own hospital for help. Which, I would rather run away than do. Pills don't help as I can't even get out of bed to remember to take them. I would call my friend,except I always complain or cry to her and I don't want to burden her anymore. What to do, what to do.

    Writing this has been somewhat therapeutic, you can ignore me now.

    My heavens get rid of the jerk! I know, easier said than done. My hubby acted like that ONCE. I didn't say a word...packed my things and left. I went to a really nice hotel and relaxed...had my closest friends over and did the spa thing...had a great time! It's funny...I had no intention of going back....but after a few days of calling and pleading I did give him a second chance. He's never acted that way again...he knew I meant business. Life is too short to waste it on a##h###s.

    Take care of yourself hon, and I mean that...not just a perfunctory response. Lose the idiot, get some counseling...life is sweet.
  11. by   Mkue
    moon, please take the advice of rnicu and the other posters. :angel2:

    we care and want the best for you !


    :kiss
  12. by   canoehead
    If you are nice enough to make a meal for him he should shut up and eat it IMHO, or offer to take you out. What is this guy doing for you? And he is not in tune with his mate who is having trouble, and yet he does not support her...

    Tell you man to go on a camping trip this WE with the guuys so you can order take out and watch sappy movies, and sit out in the sun. I recommend Good Will Hunting and the Shawshank Redemption.

    But you have only one assignment before that...to see a doc and get yourself the meds you need. You can drive to the next town, or go to a walk in doc, or whatever- but work it out and get your pills. Put the pills on the table beside your bed with a glass of water, or put them in the bathroom with a cup (ya gotta use the bathroom right?) Get a pill organizer and that will be all you HAVE to do each day.

    I know that sometimes self destructing can look like a more appealing option than getting better, especially when you think about all you have to deal with once you do get better. Well, don't think about dealing with it now- if it makes you feel better you can quit your job, and move to the country, live in a cardboard box- hell we are all threatening to quit and work at Walmart, but I suggest something with tips But the point is you don't have to continue your current situation, but you do have to recover to get a better one. And call in sick (you have done that haven't you?) There is no need to risk the stress of a horrible shift or med error that could tip over your precariously balanced apple cart.

    So do all these things and say you will suspend judgement for 2 weeks. That's 2 weeks of meds remember...you MUST take you pills- but thats all you HAVE to do. And then we'll talk about where to go...but no decisions until then.

    I'm glad you came on to ask for help and hope you realize we are all pulling for you.
  13. by   shay
    Originally posted by RNinICU
    First, get rid of the loser.
    I second that.
  14. by   delirium
    Hey Moon:
    Been there, done that. In fact, I had a 'hearing voices' thread just last week.
    When I was as low as it sounds like you are, I threw myself off a pier into the Chesapeake bay in January and very nearly died. To make a long story short, I was hospitalized. The best thing that ever happened for me.
    If you are so depressed you can't get out of bed, you are in an acute crisis, and you need acute help. I was hospitalized for something like 10 days, started on meds, got really intensive therapy most of every day, made a really great friend who I still talk to today.... not that its a picnic or it isn't difficult to face things about yourself that aren't nice (like mental illness) but it can really help you.
    I also agree that your boyfriend isn't helping you, and that you can make your troubles 180 lbs lighter (or however much he weighs) by getting rid of the jerk. He has no redeeming qualities that I can see, but then, I'm not in the relationship with him, you are.
    Please, please, please get help. Go to any ER (even the one where you work.... people have many more problems than you realize, and I couldn't even count the number of nurses I know on antidepressants), get an eval, see where you can go next to get your head above water and start feeling better.
    PM me any time.
    Take care,
    Rebecca

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