Explanation of my abscense (long post, sorry)

  1. i just want ot take a second to explain where why i havn't been around, if anybody has noticed.

    last october i left my wife of 11 years, had enough, didn't get along for the last 5 or 6 years, made many many mistakes including thinkg that having children would make things better. except for missing my children it was probably the smartest thing i have ever done.
    i live with a lovely young lady who is 10 years younger than me and was going throught a really bad marriage herself. she is a cma in the unit i work in and left her husband, fournatly she was smart enough not to have any childern with him. i get my daughter every wensday and son every other weekend, usally only saturday cuz 75% of the time i get stuck working friday night. thing have not been easy for me or him, katie is only 15 mos old so she is dealing with it well and gets a huge smile on her face whn she sees me. couldn't afford a lawyer so i get screwed in our divorce, not that it would of mattered because in the edited of a state called new york, fathers have no rights. yet we pay more child support than anyone in the country. i am stuck living in thsi state till my kids are old enough to realize how much better their life will be in another state and voluntaruily want to leave their pita mother. every day i live here i feel like my life is wasting away. i hate where i live, i make poor wages, pay a ton in taxe and never see half my take home pay as it goes for child support.

    i also hate my job. i thougth working in the icu would be great, and it was for a while, until we got a new manager about 5 months ago. she is aedited . my co workers are a bunch of caty back stabbing edited who are profoundly jealous of anyone who is thinner, younger or better in anyway then they are and will be your best buddy till you are out of ear shod. teh best nights are whne it's just the boys in the unit, which doesn't happen often enough. no back stabbing, everything gets done, and no whinning for 12.5 hours about how hard their jobs are cuz they got 2 walkie talkie r/o mi patients.

    the patients we admit are pathetic. we waste thousands of tax payer dollars on icu beds on people who are braind dead, but the family wants everything done. we trach 75 yo multi system failure patients because thats what the failys want ie. that 700 social security check every month.
    we spend thousands of dollars on repeat drug addicts, thousands on non compliant diabets who go into dka every 3-4 weeks.

    we retransplant previous transplants who went into rejections cuz they don't take teir meds

    we get r/o mi patients over the weekend with a tropi of0.002 because their pmd doesn't want to be bothered over the weekend.

    staffing is a joke, there are no 1 to 1 pateits nomatter what is wrong with them, q 15 minutes neuro cheks, q 15 min ventriculostomy outputs, swans what ever, never a 1 to 1, usally 1-3. the boys seem to always get 3 patients.

    i know it's not like this in the rest of the country as we have ahad a few nurses move back to the area to take care of family members (knobody moves here cuz they want too.) and have never had 3 patients in their entire icu career. most are leaving as soon as thier amily members pass. teh residents are getting dumber and lazier with each rotation. attendings are telling the family members of gomers to never give up hope and almost never encourage dnr/dni's

    i am throughly disgusted, depressed and dissolusioned. nthing makes me happy, not even beer. nothing i do is right anymore, someone is always give meedited for somthing. i trust basically no one anymore.
    if i could find a job with the same pay and hours, even if itwas cleaning sewers i would take it. i am almost definatly leaving the system i work for now and going to where ever i can get a decent job, because unlike like the rest of the counrty we don't seem to have a nursing shortage, at least the suits act like we don't and their attitude is "be happy you have a job". if i was the crying type i probably would, every day.
    i am not depressed or bipolar, i am just fed up. going to my happy palce, myrtle beach, at the end of teh month, hopefully my attitude will change when i get back but i doubt it. maybe i wont come home.

    any way i'll try to check in here a little more than i do.
    Last edit by P_RN on Apr 16, '03
  2. 48 Comments

  3. by   ERNurse752
    Hey Kewl, nice to see you back.

    Sorry things have been going so badly for you. You say you're not depressed, but you sure sound like it.

    I hope Myrtle Beach does you some good, sounds like you need it.

    Hang in there... :kiss
  4. by   prmenrs
    Gee, Kewl, I missed you, too! I don't have any wise words, doesn't look really hopeful, tho. Enjoy your kids, at least.
  5. by   Angelica
    I agree with ERNurse. You sound depressed. And might I add, EXTREMELY angry. I hope things get better for you.
    Last edit by Angelica on Apr 16, '03
  6. by   aimeee
    Wow, Kewl. Sounds like you are at the bottom with nowhere to go but up. Hope things turn around for you soon.
  7. by   CashewLPN
    Missed ya dahlink...
    ya missed alot of brew-haha here too.. probably for the best...
    and,the situation here in the lovely state still stinks...

    dont be a stranger, ok
    be good...
  8. by   passing thru
    Well Kewl it is sure cool to hear from you again.
    If my memory serves, this past Monday is the first time you all have had a sunny day in 5 months, with temp up to 80 degrees.

    However snowing raining and cloudy again today.
    Which human can cope/function without any sunshine for five months.?

    Do you get Dr. Joy Browne on the radio talk show up there??
    Real well known relationships doctor/psychiatrist.
    She says: "no way/do not/never/ get into any relationship until a minimum of one year has passed since the divorce. Not a year from separating she explains ... a year from divorcing." She says
    it is necessary to "get things sorted out-and to heal".

    A word of advice, if you really want your kids to leave their mom
    someday....and id you criticise their mom, or tell them "someday, when you all are old enough you can leave & come and live with me................................................ .............................................."

    What a disaster plan for creating totally screwed up kids. You
    might want to get some professional advice on that.

    Sorry to hear you are still in snow city usa....hear you had the worst winter in twenty years. Just think, in July & August, the
    rest of us will be sweltering. And the summer and autumn will be fine where you are.

    Life gets better. Just keep truckin. Those kids finally get old enough that you do not have to pay child support.

    Enjoy Myrtle Beach.
    Is there one or two particular spots there you could turn the rest of us onto.?

    Now, if only Micro would check in.
  9. by   duckie
    I agree, that you do sound like you have much depression and anger inside you. It sounds like you are carrying more of a load than you can handle by yourself. Please feel free to vent here at anytime but I really encourage you to see your doctor for an evaluation for depression medications. I have been in the very pits of depression and it's a painful and lonely place. Please feel free to PM me at any time. I do not have any answers to what you are going through but I am a willing listener and I care because I have been there. PLEASE do not think you have to go this alone, talk to someone you trust, even just a cyber pal. I care, we all care, please take care of yourself and check in again real soon. Hugs, Duckie
  10. by   SmilingBluEyes
    it is nearly mignite here and i am exhausted. i saw your thread and i wanted to say hi and that i did indeed notice your absense. and i wish you THE BEST...hang in there and keep reaching out. we do care for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  11. by   texasrain
    hey kewl. i don't know you but i'd like to. come on back and get to know all of us newbies. sounds like you've been having a tough time. hope it all gets better.
  12. by   suzannasue
    BUBBA...long lost cuzzin...
    So glad to see you're alive and still kickin' !!!!
    Hmmm...sorry you hate your job...I 'm not really liking mine either...I got out of critical care a few years ago, for not only the reasons you named, but also for resons I cannot mention here due to the new TOS...ahem...but what I would say is the same you said that got edited...
    While at Myrtle Beach, hows about waving at my condo that I have not seen in 3 years?????? Broadway Plantation...
    eliminate all negative thoughts from your mind while there...
    just so glad to see you here again....
    bubba sue
  13. by   Tweety
    Hi. Nice to see you. Hope venting helped you feel a little better.

    You described our ICU's perfectly, down to the treating dead people to the 3:1 staffing sometimes. But we do get 1:1 like on organ donations.

    Anyway, hope that peace find you soon.
  14. by   debbyed
    Glad you are still around. Be talking to you soon