ex-husband is dead

  1. Now this is really strange and wierd.I only just found out about this when I looked at the obits at the local paper's web site.We got married when I was 21 and I left after 18 months (-it was not pretty.)That's been years-it was 19- 82 when I left.Why am I feeling some wierd kind of way? He was a mean son of a "b" and I stayed far away from him all of these years but I sure would like to go to that funeral.No one else will be there-he had no friends and lost touch with his son to his first wife and does not get along with his dtr to his 3rd wife and the 3rd wife was killed in an accident about 3 yrs ago.His parents are gone and his siblings have little interaction with him.He died alone,lonely and bitter.His obit sums up his life---1 line.I actually just called the funeral home to ask if arrangements have been finalized yet and was told it will be at a later date and "probably private" I am guessing that no-one wants to foot the bill. And I wanted to salute him one final time.I bet his first wife wants to do the same.I really have not hated him for along time-I regret that I did not wise up sooner and kick his arse intead of just taking it as long as I did......Seriously though-maybe it's a mortality thing.I feel OLD---my ex husband died...I feel like I'm 80...I am glad I learned those hard lessons then when I really had nothing to loose -except my sense of self (as in we had nothing) That was a life time ago and I was another person.Thanks to the hell I went through I could only go one way-UP...So I went to nursing school a few years later and that was my dream - I can thank him for starting me an another road to a better life without him....Rest in peace-you animal abusing,wife and child beating,drug abusing, manipulative and cruel man......
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  2. 14 Comments

  3. by   bethin
    Sorry about your ex's death. I think what you are feeling is normal. You got married because you loved him and pictured a life filled with happiness. Even if that didn't work out, you loved him once. I still care about my ex who was abusive. I don't love him, but if he died I'd think I would go to the funeral.

    It's sad that he doesn't have anyone.
  4. by   Grace Oz
    The death of someone we know, or once knew, always stirs up emotions in us. I'm guessing that's why you're "feeling some kind of weird way."
    Perhaps by posting this, you have said your final goodbye and don't need to actually attend his funeral.
    He might have been all the things you've written here, I hope he finds the peace in death which he didn't have on earth. Because to have been like he was, he certainly wasn't living a life peacefully nor richly.
    Perhaps you could say a quiet prayer for his soul and let go and continue to move forward with your life and live it as abundantly as possible.
    Wishing you well.
  5. by   Antikigirl
    My condolances for your loss...and it is a loss no matter the situation. Part of you will grieve, and that is perfectly normal for someone we knew and lived with...despite their probelms.

    Maybe instead of attending the funeral (if you don't wish to), you can plant a tree or shrub of some kind in his memory and watch (and symbolize) the good he has done in his life (even if it was a little, best to acknowledge that there was some good I always say...you did love him at one point). Like a happy memory growing and becoming more beautiful as the seasons go on...
  6. by   txspadequeenRN
    My ex-husband died about 12 years ago. He was the meanest man I have ever known. He hit me ,cheated on me and was abusive to our small daughter. He did me a big favor when he figured out how to shoot himself. When I learned he was dead my response was.."Great now where is his dead dumba$$ body so I can make sure the SOB is dead"..... I always said I wish he were alive so he could die again....He was a mean mean man and it gets hot in hell!!!!
  7. by   compassion1
    My ex died at age 44 from CHF and a CVA. His parents were dead, no sibs and our kids were 8 and 9 years old. He was an emotional abuser and I was with him 15 years. The divorce was drawn out and "difficult". I was the one that figured he had CHF when his PCP figured he had bronchitis. And I sent him to the doctor for re-eval and admit to the hospital. He stroked out the next day and lingered for a month more. They wanted me to decide if it was to be CMO or not. I declined on that. Didn't want the kids to think, when they got older, that I had "pulled the plug" on their dad. I arranged his funeral and went with/supported our kids. Some very distant relatives thought it was terrible that I went to the funeral. I ignored them. And I cried plenty even though I had remarried by then. I had 15 years of history with him and it wasn't all bad. And you cry for what could have been, He quite literally had no one else to do all this for him. My kids have always been greatful that I was there for him/them.
    I know your situation is much different than mine but the weird feelings are probably normal. At one time you loved him and thought it would be happily ever after. And I'm sure you are probably sad for what couldn't be. I had very mixed emotions, too. Maybe if you try to dwell on whatever good that there was, you might be able to forgive him in time. I did. After all, he couldn't hurt us anymore. And guess what? I survived...he didn't.
  8. by   muffie
    condolences

    sounds like my father who stroked and died a very lonely death in may

    i really didn't feel much emotionally

    what goes around comes around
  9. by   CHATSDALE
    my ex is alive and well in texas but he too is a sad bitter old man reaping what he sowed all his life
    we had 6 kids and he had two with a woman while we were married...none of these kids would know him if they met him on the street
    am glad i got out when i did, to late but at least i had some happiness in life and the children grew up in a better enviorment than otherwise

    the private is probably because no one wanted arrange a dinner with his kids and tell them a story or two that was a good memory
    maybe explain that part of his problem was the way he was raised [usual cause]
    people have a way of wasting life when it is so precious
  10. by   Tweety
    There's no point in you going to the funeral. Chapter ended.

    I can definately understand that there are some feelings to process.
    Last edit by Tweety on Jan 23, '07
  11. by   NursesRmofun
    Quote from ktwlpn
    Now this is really strange and wierd.I only just found out about this when I looked at the obits at the local paper's web site.We got married when I was 21 and I left after 18 months (-it was not pretty.)That's been years-it was 19- 82 when I left.Why am I feeling some wierd kind of way? He was a mean son of a "b" and I stayed far away from him all of these years but I sure would like to go to that funeral.

    Sorry about the death of your Ex. I empathize. I'd feel weird if it were my Ex....and I know I would cause I have two and soon to be THREE Ex-husbands.
    By the way, I love your siggy line!
  12. by   leslie :-D
    (((ktwlpn)))- it's very bittersweet, isn't it?
    of course you'd have feelings about his death.
    no matter how unpleasant the memories, it did shape you into the nurse you are today.....
    wishing you peace & closure.

    leslie
  13. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Do what feels right for you to do. But either way, you have my sincere condolences. You ARE grieving a huge loss, even if it was over years ago. Hugs to you.
  14. by   GardenDove
    Quote from txspadequeen921
    My ex-husband died about 12 years ago. He was the meanest man I have ever known. He hit me ,cheated on me and was abusive to our small daughter. He did me a big favor when he figured out how to shoot himself. When I learned he was dead my response was.."Great now where is his dead dumba$$ body so I can make sure the SOB is dead"..... I always said I wish he were alive so he could die again....He was a mean mean man and it gets hot in hell!!!!
    How touching! You obviously were quite fond of him and your sentimental feelings are totally understandable.

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