TO: All Employees
FROM: The Management
SUBJECT: Early Retirement
As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.
The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Government of Ontario deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, s/he will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel for Early Severence). Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.
The Province of Ontario wishes to assure the younger employees who remain that management will continue its policy that employees will continue to be well trained through the **** (Special High Intensity Training) Program. This government takes pride in the amount of **** our people receive. We have given our employees more **** than any other provincial government in Canada, probably North America, and likely the World. If any employee feels that s/he does not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the **** you can handle.