1. I am the mother of 3 grown children. My oldest is a girl, my middle child is a boy, and my youngest is a girl. My PROBLEM child is 30, the boy...he has been in and out of stupid trouble since he was 17, and started using drugs...pot, then cocaine, now crack...well needless to say we had to put him out of our house because of the drugs, the stealing, etc... Everyone in our family from grandparents to sisters have tried to help him, but it always turned out the same, more drugs etc...My husband and I have spent thousands of dollars on treatment centers, apartments, and basically supported him until about 1 year ago when he had to leave our house. Everyone in the family thought he would hit rock bottom and straighten up, but he didn't. Now he has evidently hit the bottom, because he told his sister he had no where to go, no money, no job. He has been staying with ???, don't know who, but there is no electicity, no water, and no phone...He says he is tired of living like he is, and wants to change, but I'm afraid to let him come back home. I have 2 grandchildren that spend a lot of time at our house, and I just don't know....He needs help, but no agentcy will help because he has not harmed himself or anyone else...I don't know what to do.
    Thanks for listening...
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    About rnor

    Joined: Mar '02; Posts: 75


  3. by   Rustyhammer
    It's really rough when someone you love can't handle their recreational drugs. If you believe he really wants to get his feet on the ground then help him but I would do it with the firm understanding that if he starts in again then he will be rolled out like cheap carpet!
    You should impose certain rules.
    1) He will get a job.
    2) He will pay you rent.
    3) He will abide by house rules.
    4) He will stay sober.
    5) He will do chores around the house.
    Thats all.
  4. by   rnor
    Thanks Russell for the support...wish me luck!
  5. by   Robin61970
    No real advice here, but I did want to wish you the best in your decision and I hope things work out for the best......
  6. by   emily_mom
    My brother is also in the same boat as your son. He lived in his truck for a few days last month and almost died of CO poisoning. My father has washed his hands of him (never did like him), and only offers him money (basically to go away). My Mom is passed, so there is just me left (and another brother who is self-consumed). I am working with him to find a place to live and teach him how to take care of himself. It is very tough, because you don't want to cross that line of taking care of him, but you can't help yourself. He was too ashamed to ask for help from me, so I had to track him down and force it on him.

    Your son and my brother are lost souls. Someday we may reach them. I just pray that day is soon...

    Good luck to you

  7. by   adrienurse
    Sounds like my cousin Stephane.
  8. by   Lausana
    If you decide to help him again put the terms down in writing so you and he know what you're getting into...and if he brakes your agreement at least you've got it in writing in case your out more money etc and you'd be able to make him repay you.

    Hopefully he'll be ready to accept the responsibility and make a new start--((Good luck to you Rnor!))
  9. by   PennyLane
    Sounds like a sister of mine. She's 5 years clean now.
  10. by   nursegoodguy
    I do apologize if anything I've said in this post is offensive, I have very strong feelings against drugs but on the other hand feel that when we love someone, we would be willing to go to the end of the earth to help them...

    First of all I have to say that I do know people who do recreational drugs and they are fine with it and they will tell you so... they work important jobs are dependable etc etc whatever!
    As for myself drugs have absolutely no place in my life! I don't want any part of it or anyone who is a "lifer"... Sometimes one drug leads to another and to another and so on and so on... And you said your son fits this category...
    Has he started doing anything IV and if so, what happens if someone gets stuck with a dirty needle? Does he use dirty needles?
    Not like he'd probably tell you the truth, just surprise him and check his arms.
    I'd also want some blood work done... hep A, B, C... gotta watch out for the innocent grandkids as well as yourself!
    I've had patients who overdosed or got bad drugs who sit in the nursing home as total care patients... Gee, wonder if they could've known how they were going to turn out, if it would've been worth it... They are very similiar to severe stroke patients...(bathed fed dressed and diapers changed all at about 30 years old) You never know when you'll get some bad sh!t, only takes one time...
    If your son really wants to go straight, well it's not like he'll come home already that way... But you know that, don't you...
    Will he import his old habits into your home? (bringing drugs in) Do I have to even ask... You know that answer too...
    It's an addiction!
    Would I sneak coffee in to your home or chocolate or have sex? You just can't turn it off because you have "hit bottom"...
    I've never seen anyone able to stop one thing and not start something in it's place... we tend to "exchange" stuff... The good side is that it doesn't always have to be one bad habit for another!
    I know one person who traded drugs for love... They were hooked on drugs, met someone who cared about them but did not do or aprove of drugs, or really want anything to do with someone on drugs, and little by little as the desire for love grew, the apetite for drugs dwindled... until the person wanted nothing to do with drugs or anyone from their past who would tempt them... All for love...
    It's usually not the kind of love you get from your immediate family, of course... Sometimes we just don't put so much effort in the love that we take for granted...
    Now ask yourself a few questions...
    Does he really want to change or is it getting cold on the outside and he's tired of having to deal with the world and wants to be sheltered so he can continue his old habits in a nice environment... Oh sure it's easy to do what you want when you are living with mom & dad... If they get on your case you can just blow them off but when it's your "friends" that you are staying with who decide that things are not exactly going right and start giving you sh!t then that's different! Can't just blow them off and be allowed to stay because they DON'T love you and feel responsible for you like your parents will... Especially if it's "friends" who take drugs! What's important to them? DRUGS!
    Why does your son do drugs?
    Is there some problem he hasn't dealt with?
    Is there anyone important to him, a girlfriend (who doesn't do drugs) that he would change for?
    Maybe he just likes getting high?
    I'm not sure if I believe at 30 that he will change? He's an adult and now we're talking lifetime habits here...
    So will you help him?
    Of course you will! You are his parents and you love him. I hope if he truly wants to change his life that he will and not just be looking for a flop house... Our parents won't be there forever to run home to...
    Good luck...
  11. by   rnor
    Thanks...I've asked myself all those questions, and as for the answers, I guess we'll see...there are underlying problems but the fact is you got to grow up now, like you said we won't be there forever. Thanks again.
    Hugs to you rnor.

    Don't forget about getting some help for yourself in all of this. This is equally hard on yourself and the rest of your family, so get the entire family into some counseling.

    We're here for you anytime. Take care of you.

  13. by   kimmicoobug
    Hi rnor, I can sympathize with you here because I have two family members who have walked this path. The first was my uncle who was an IV drug user among other illicit stuff. He died about four years ago from AIDS. Actually, he chose to be put into an induced coma and then to pull life support (lots of pain and misery there). The second person is my dad. He has used alcohol and cocaine and who knows what else. Unfortunately, I have no idea where he is and have not talked to him in almost three years, but he is on the streets somewhere here on the west coast. Honestly, I feel great concern for him, but will not have him around me or my kids until he cleans up. I know that it may not seem fair to keep him away from his only grandkids, but I have to think of my kids.
    I commend your son for realizing at a young age that this is not how he wants to lead his life. Has he tried counciling, or programs such as NA? As a family member and to understand his illness, perhaps you could also find a support group to help you through the trying times. I think these programs are great. I have attended AA meetings in the past to get on the other end of an alcoholic situation, and it has been a real eye-opener for me and has helped me understand somewhat. Good luck to you, and keep us informed from time to time as to how your son is doing.
  14. by   rnor
    Thanks everyone! I am looking into several programs. Yes I brought him home because he is my child...and as any mother would "you don't give up hope".....I will keep everyone informed.