Dont know what to do?

  1. My husband is controlling and emotional abusive and I dont know what to do. Do I stick with him just to keep the family together or do I live the rest of my life listening to him control me? Today I wanted to be with my family and he said he didnt want me to go. I dont know what to do. I know my kids are paying.
    Last edit by lizzyberry on Mar 24, '07
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  2. 82 Comments

  3. by   TazziRN
    emotional abusive
    This should answer your question.

    Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how women are treated? That's what will happen if you stay just to keep the family together.

    I was in a marriage like this once. I nearly lost my family and my friends because I wasn't allowed to be with them unless he gave me permission and was with me.
  4. by   cisco
    Lizzyette, try and talk with a marriage counselor. Sometimes through work, they will have a few sessions arranged for staff. Or through your church. I also totally agree with TazziRN. I too was in an abusive marriage and my x tried to isolate me away from family and friends way out on an isolated 20 acres of woods in a one room cabin. I had to leave because I felt that I would die young in this marriage if I stayed and I had a young child to take care of. So, I figured out how to get out...It's never easy...Abusers are bullies and cowards...it's never about love. Take care of yourself and your children. By the way, my mother never protected me from my abuser father (physical/emotional)...I forgave her for many years until my own son was grown and then it hit me how she sacrificed her daughters for her own selfishness. I will have nothing to do with her now. Don't let something like that happen between you and your children. Best wishes!!!
  5. by   Halinja
    I agree with Tazzi. What are the children learning?

    I know 'conventional wisdom' says you need to keep the family together at all costs. But I think (and have acted on) the idea that children can be warped more by living in a dysfunctional family than living in a smaller but functional one.

    I left.

    Four years later my children are now happier, doing better in school (the one still in school, the others did better as well), more open, less guarded, more secure. For me...it was the better choice, for their sake AND mine.

    I stayed for a very long time in a dysfunctional relationship because it mirrored the dysfunction I grew up with when my parents stayed together.

    In your heart, you'll know what is right. Not what others expect. What you know is right. Follow your heart.
  6. by   shoegalRN
    I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I am not married, so I can't really give you any advice there. But I will share my experience. I was engaged to my son's father who turned out to be a total control freak. Since I came from a single family home, I didnt want my son to be raised in the same home that I was raised in. I vowed to keep my family together at any cost necessary. I think my son's father took advantage of this need and totally used it against me. Finally, I decided enough was enough and I broke off the engagement and left his behind when my son was 3 1/2 years old. I had already purchased my first home and I made sure my son had a peaceful and quiet home to come home to. Now my son is almost 11 and he understands Moma and Daddy lives in separate houses and they are friends. We are just better off as parents and it was the best decision I could have made for my son and myself.

    I'm just too much of a free spirited person to be controlled by anyone. I submit only when I feel I need to, not because someone wants me to so they can feel better about themselves. Because of this dysfunctional relationship, I can spot the red flags from a mile away and I RUN in the other direction instead of trying to stick in there and wait for the red flags to become bright neon lights.

    Remember, kids know a lot more than we give them credit for. Do you want your kids to grow up and ask you why you stayed so long although they were miserable? I asked myself this question and it was all I needed to get out of the situation.

    Good luck to you and I'll be praying for you.
  7. by   Young Woman
    Hey woman if i was you i would get out of this relationship as soon as i could you shouldnt need to think you really dont need him its better to be single then to be sick with someone else- quote from doctor phil
    Lady dont be so stupid
    i know your smarter then all of this do it for your kids sake they will respect u in the long run
    Or maybe you are dumb and deserve it then thats will will be if you stay with him dumb
    go out and be a free woman
    u didnt say how old u where
    young woman
  8. by   TazziRN
    Quote from Young Woman
    Or maybe you are dumb and deserve it then thats will will be if you stay with him dumb
    Do NOT go into the counselling field............


    I assure you, those of us who stay in abusive relationships are not dumb. We are/were controlled. We are/were brainwashed into believing that no one else would want us, and that we needed them.

    It's hard enough breaking out of an abusive relationship without someone telling us we're dumb.
  9. by   Soup Turtle
    My husband is not emotionally abusive or controlling, but I had an ex who was. The sad thing was it felt so quiet and lonely when I walked away because I was used to his constant manipulation, paranoia and control.

    It sounds like you alredy know what to do and just need to find the strength to do it. I wish you well.
  10. by   NurseguyFL
    I am a man, but my recommendation is the same as what the others have posted. LEAVE!
  11. by   Young Woman
    Yes leave i want saying all of you where dumb but it is a dumb thing to do to stay and a dumber thing to do if you dont leave
    and if you guys wernt dumb then why stay
    only stupid women do that
    or very low self esteem
    and who nees men anyway
  12. by   TazziRN
    I am the first person in my entire family to graduate from high school. I have a college degree and an RN license. I am not dumb. I was brainwashed, which most abused women are. You are free to express your opinion of how Lizzy should handle the situation but please do not presume to know about us abused women until you have been one yourself. And do not say we were dumb to get into that situation in the first place because it sneaks up on a woman. I hope you are never in an abusive relationship, but perhaps you will learn compassion for the rest of us that way.
  13. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from Young Woman
    Yes leave i want saying all of you where dumb but it is a dumb thing to do to stay and a dumber thing to do if you dont leave
    and if you guys wernt dumb then why stay
    only stupid women do that
    or very low self esteem
    and who nees men anyway
    Uh, anyway.


    To OP, leave, leave, leave.
    If you have to ask this question, then you already know what to do. I know it's hard ( I was there for nine years starting at age 17, so all I know about relationships is abuse) but you have to let go.

    Kids are NOT a reason to stay. The only sad thing is that courts will give him visitation and if he remarries, they will still see it with the new wife, but at least you show a good example.

    PM me if you need any advice. I'm not an expert but I can tell you what I do to get through.
  14. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from TazziRN
    I am the first person in my entire family to graduate from high school. I have a college degree and an RN license. I am not dumb. I was brainwashed, which most abused women are. You are free to express your opinion of how Lizzy should handle the situation but please do not presume to know about us abused women until you have been one yourself. And do not say we were dumb to get into that situation in the first place because it sneaks up on a woman. I hope you are never in an abusive relationship, but perhaps you will learn compassion for the rest of us that way.
    Exactly. When I was with my husband, I thought I was going crazy. I mean I really thought I was losing touch with reality and every time I questioned him, he'd tell me my perception was off. My husband rarely said it straight out, he was very sly with his brainwashing.

    Now, that I am away from him, I am about to graduate form college in less than 9 months and I haven't had a bit off help from him and we had two kids together! I hardly call that the accomplishment of a "stupid" woman.

    I'll admit, I may have called any abused woman stupid before this happened.
    I know now what they mean when they say "walk a mile in a person's shoes".

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