this was emailed to me from a friend, and i thought it was funny !!
ABERRANT PHYSICIAN TYPES
DR. "SLICER." This physician likes to cut anybody or anything, whether or not there is a pulse. He would be an excellent choice at a dinner party to help slice the meat. Unfortunately, regardless of the circumstances, his approach is to make incisions first and ask questions later. This surgeon needs to constantly "do something" and would operate on himself without anaesthesia just for the thrill.
DR. "DEATH WILL NEVER WIN. NEVER." This physician cannot grasp the concept that all patients, despite medical technology, will eventually die. No matter how grim the prognosis, this physician insists on saving every life, no matter what the physical, emotional or monetary expense. "Hospice" and "DNR" are not in his or her vocabulary. This physician is deaf to pleas of patients, families and nurses. In the face of advanced disease process, crash carts are emptied. Every diagnosis requires controversial, experimental tests and procedures, and ultra-potent medications. This doctor plans to be frozen upon death, expecting to be thawed when a cure is discovered.
DR "NO SPEAK ENGLISH." It is unclear how this physician, with so little understanding of the most common language spoken in the UK, is allowed to practice clinically. Despite his or her intelligence, this physician cannot communicate either by the spoken word or writing. The hospital should furnish this physician with a personal interpreter.
DR. "BRAIN." This physician has an extraordinary, off the scale IQ, yet lacks empathy and the interpersonal skills needed to communicate with patients and peers. He is awkward and uncomfortable in expressing his thoughts to living people. Perhaps his specialty should be pathology.
DR. "GOD." This doctor feels he is simply the best in the world, which coincidentally revolves around him. Anonymous sources claim that he calls out his own name during orgasm. He is on call to both the Notre Dame faculty and the Vatican. We should feel blessed to be around someone so important.
DR "AMBIVALENT." Decisions are not this MD's strong point. This physician's specialty is vagueness and uncertainty. Thank goodness backup house physicians and smart nurses can get the job done. Another name for this physician might be Dr. "Analysis Paralysis."
DR. "TERMINATOR." Every patient this physician contacts dies very quickly. It is well documented that the chance of death greatly increases when he walks into a room. Thus, this MD is forbidden to attend cardiac codes and resuscitation efforts. Perhaps his family owns a funeral home.
DR "TODDLER." Rages, ranting and insulting behaviour toward others distinguish this physician. Due to his poor attention span and limited self-control, he wants things done yesterday. His temper tantrums send people running. His bravado is probably hiding his fear of incompetence.
DR "SHAMBLES." This physician looks like an unmade bed. He wears awful combinations of colors and designs. Lord knows how he picks out his clothing and apparel. He has this problem because the drug companies do not give out free clothing to physicians.
DR "HYPOCRITE." This obese, nicotine-addicted physician can be found hiding in the bowels of the hospital smoking cigarettes or eating to excess in the canteen. He is a walking advertisement for premature death, yet he prides himself on his scare tactic teaching style.
DR. "LEGAL." Severe fear of lawsuits often paralyses this physician. He or she ignores co-workers whose first names are "Sue". This physician will order every type of test available for a rule out differential of 100 diseases. Before lancing a small boil, this physician will order a type and cross match for six units of blood. Distributes "I will not seek legal advice" contracts to his patients before treatment begins.
DR "PUS." Hospital wide infections can be traced back to this physician. Touches patients' wounds with his dirty hands and then can't be bothered to wash them. Has no concept of sterile technique, usually orders the wrong antibiotics, and simply cannot understand why his own patients develop nasty infections.
These physicians are the sources of diagnostic and therapeutic misadventures. They inflict misery on everyone around them. They create everyday stress tests for their patients and coworkers. Proper treatment and healing are delayed. On the positive side, they inflate the medical GNP in added costs, secondary to their ineptness.
Jun 2, '03
I thought - OH no! Another doctor bashing thread and tehn I read it and recognised them
Jun 2, '03
Too funny! I can think of a doctor who fits every one of those types.