dealing with the loss of a parent

  1. hello to all-- would like some thoughts on something-- i lost my dad about three months ago--devastated me to no end because i tried to keep in touch with him as much as possible-- i was so close to him-- was living out of state when he died so i was not even notified until about three weeks after he died-- this was in arkansas and i lived in michigan-- since then i moved back to arkansas-- visited his grave-- have tried to reach out to my family--they all seemed happy that i was back-- now it appears that none of them want to have anything to do with me-- none of the family has called or even came by to see how we were doing or anything-- it is like i don;t even exist-- have tried to reach out to my mom numerous times but she is very cold-- yet she is getting on in life-- never stays home is always going shopping and buying things that i know she can't afford-- my father's grave has yet to have a headstone placed on it-- no one is interested enough to want one put there but me-- i think of him often but the pain is still so real-- i was very close to my father and i feel so alone-- my husband is of great support for me but sometimes you just feel the need of the loving arms of family-- i just don't have that--please pray for me that the pain will ease and i can remember the good things and memories-- it is all i have right now-- hopefully someday i will be able to let go-- thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk-- god bless all of you
    •  
  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   Love-A-Nurse
    originally posted by tigger2sassy
    hello to all-- would like some thoughts on something-- i lost my dad about three months ago--devastated me to no end because i tried to keep in touch with him as much as possible-- i was so close to him-- was living out of state when he died so i was not even notified until about three weeks after he died-- this was in arkansas and i lived in michigan-- since then i moved back to arkansas-- visited his grave-- have tried to reach out to my family--they all seemed happy that i was back-- now it appears that none of them want to have anything to do with me-- none of the family has called or even came by to see how we were doing or anything-- it is like i don;t even exist-- have tried to reach out to my mom numerous times but she is very cold-- yet she is getting on in life-- never stays home is always going shopping and buying things that i know she can't afford-- my father's grave has yet to have a headstone placed on it-- no one is interested enough to want one put there but me-- i think of him often but the pain is still so real-- i was very close to my father and i feel so alone-- my husband is of great support for me but sometimes you just feel the need of the loving arms of family-- i just don't have that--please pray for me that the pain will ease and i can remember the good things and memories-- it is all i have right now-- hopefully someday i will be able to let go-- thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk-- god bless all of you
    (((((((hugs))))))). it sounds like your mom is grieving and don't know how to reach out to you until she heals. you each will come to turns with your father's death in different ways and at different times.

    i dare not try to dismiss how you are feeling and i don't know how it is to loose a father, but i will keep you in my prayers and pray all works out for you and your family. keep the faith!
  4. by   nursejws
    I too know what it's like to lose a parent...my Dad passed away January 2001, and even though I was there, and holding his hand when he took his last breath, I still could not believe he was gone. I know I didn't want to come home, but stay with my family, especially my Mom. I'm very close to my Mom, but spitting image of my Dad ~ very weird. Sometimes, to this day, I still can't believe he's gone, and want to talk to him every time I talk to my Mother. I try to see my Mom as much as possible juggling work and soon school. She understands, but I feel guilty that she has to be alone. I'm sorry your experience with your family has not been a positive one. My husband was supportive too, and his Dad had passed 2 months before my Dad. I met my father in law at HIS funeral...long story.

    I was also in therapy after my Dad passed because I refused to believe he was gone. I would cry like one had never cried before when reality would hit. My husband was so worried about me. I think I cry more for my Mom because my parents were paying off their bills and getting ready to travel in their rv when he was diagnosed with cancer. My Dad was in the hospital 3 weeks when I learned he had cancer. My Mother opted not to tell me at first because she didn't want me to worry. Oh I was pissed! She made 2 of my brothers, and their families, promise not to tell me, and it was my niece that told her she was wrong for doing that. I knew something was wrong as I had not heard from my parents for weeks...we are very close. I found out my Dad had cancer and had been in the hospital by calling the nursing home where my mom worked prn. I caught the lady off guard because I was named after my Dad (it throws people off) she seemed confused and didn't want to tell me...I made her tell me. I was at work on my cell phone when I learned about my Dad and ran into the parking lot with the dry heaves. I ended up going home 30mins later and called EVERYONE of my brothers and sisters demanding to know what was going on. A week later, I flew to Denver and spent several days visiting my Dad in the hospital. I was lucky to get a whole day by myself as my Mom took her Mother back to Nebraska. Damnit, I still cry about it. You know when I'm thinking about my Dad...I'm listening to either the Dixie Chic "FLY" CD, or Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

    Sorry for going off on that tangent, it happens more often then I would like. (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) Remember the Jabez prayer: "Oh Lord, bless me indeed and expand my territory, place your hand over me and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain". I pray that your family will come together...it does sound like your Mom is grieving, don't let that stop you from reaching out to her. Let her know that you're hurting too and you need her.
  5. by   Cindy_A
    It's only been 3 months, that's a very short time. My dad's been dead almost 20 years, and I still cry whren I think about him.
    With time, it does get better. You will always miss him, it just won't hurt quite as bad. I think your family is grieving, and it is just hard to reach out to you right now. Do you have a a friend who has lost a parent? This helped me when my dad died, since I'm an only child. I'm thinking about you. It does get better.
  6. by   andrewsgranny
    (((hugs)) I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my dad in August 2001. I was so close to him even though he too lived out of state. We would meet on the computer every morning on icq at 6am. just to stay in touch. We never ran out of things to talk about. I still feel the great loss and guess I always will. And I feel like since he was creamated that there was no closier for me. My step mom said well thats the way he wanted it. And I think he did to save on costs for her. But there wasnt even a visitation service. So to me other than him not being here on the computer at 6am I feel like he should still be around.
    I believe your mom is grieving in her own way. The shopping is a way to fill a void for her and she may not know how to reach out to you. Hang in there. I cant say it will get better, but you will learn to adjust.
  7. by   aimeee
    It sounds like your mom is coping right now by denying her emotions. She is probably hurting so much right now that she is afraid to acknowledge it. She can probably sense that you want to open up and deal with it and she is afraid of the powerful tide of emotion that will release from her. I know it hurts that your family isn't there for you right now, but I urge you to keep the doors of communication open. When they are ready to deal with their own pain, they may be more able to deal with yours.

    Meanwhile, it sounds like you really do need some support from people who are also experiencing loss. I urge you to contact your local hospice. It doesn't matter that your father wasn't a hospice patient. They will be happy to refer you to a support group and may have some writings about the grieving process that will be helpful to you.
  8. by   Ted
    My thoughts and prayers to you and your family for your loss.

    Consider yourself hugged . . . . .

    Ted
  9. by   subec
    My thoughts are with you and your family.

    I too know the loss of a parent. I agree with the above posters---I think your mother is greiving without knowing exactly how to deal with it.

    I wish for peace for you and your family.
  10. by   casperbjs
    I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. It is such a terrible loss to lose your Father. My Dad died on Christmas morning in 1991. I still have trouble with Christmas. Just remember all the wonderful memories that you had with your Dad, and what a special man he was. If he was like my Dad, no one can beat him.
  11. by   Ragin Cajun
    I don't understand why they waited so long to tell you. Your anguish is understandable, and I'm really sorry that you had no closure. It does get easier with time, though. My dad died 18yrs ago, and I still miss him. He was so full of life and loved to laugh. That is what I think about....the really good times. It's ok to cry and feel angry and all those other emotions that you have. I will put you on my prayer list, and <<<Hugs>>> from me to you.
  12. by   Jenny P
    Tigger2sassy, my deepest sympathies are with you.

    I lost my Mom when I was 8, now my Dad died June 29th- almost 4 weeks ago. At least he is free of his end stage COPD and being hooked up to O2 24/7.....

    I have a strong Christian belief that the dead have moved on to a better life; we are left to deal with the loss and the hole in OUR lives.

    We all deal with the loss of a loved one (especially a parent) in our own way: my older sister is still sobbing whenever we talk; I didn't cry when I got the news; my one brother (who just got out of treatment) is back on the bottle again..... I don't know about the rest of my siblings. I received an email from my stepmother that Dad's ashes are out in his shop/studio (we called it BS Country) on the poker table, waiting til I get out there so we can scatter the ashes in Sept. She thought his ashes belonged in BS Country on the poker table as a fitting memorial! He was an athiest, so they had a kegger in his honor as a memorial service!!!!! I was out East at the time, I had my daughter go out West to be with the rest of my family; but I understand how hurt you must feel that they never notified you about his death-- I was never notified about my Dad's hospitalization on Fathers' Day either. Have you asked why they didn't inform you of his death?

    May God's love help heal your pain.
  13. by   tigger2sassy
    i would like to thank all of you who have responded to my thread on dealing with the loss of a parent-- ((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to all of you-- it has been a trying time in my life but maybe now it is time to move on-- still haven't been able to reach out for my mom the way i needed to but maybe god has other plans for me now did make brief contact with my daughters whom have been estranged for four years-- but as i say it is time to move on-- i will never forget my dad-- i will be getting a headstone for his final resting place as soon as i can-- i will be going back to michigan soon-- and will be leaving the excess baggage here-- my dad wanted to be with me in michigan because he used to live there so i will retirn and his dream will live on in me-- May You Rest In Peace,now Daddy-- for i will always love you-- thank you my dear friends at Allnurses-- god bless and keep you all close
  14. by   BadBird
    So sorry for your loss, It sounds as if you need closure as you were not notified until 3 weeks later, how sad. My parents are both gone now and I think of them everyday, it isn't something you get over but with time the pain does fade. Are you able to join a berevement group this may help.

close