Cheating husband & his wife doesn't know...

  1. But I do! Oh no, I am caught in a terrible dilemma...

    My husband & I are very close friends with this other couple we shall call "S" and "N". "S" is the husband. "N" is the wife. We usually get together with them every weekend with the kids. We have been doing this for years.

    Two months ago, we all went to Disney together with the kids. During one evening while we were out, "S" made it quite clear he was interested in me much more than a friend. I didn't want to make a big stink about it in front of everyone. I also didn't want to ruin the weekend. So I pretty much stayed away from him the rest of the trip.

    When we came back, "S" continued to flirt with me. I made it perfectly clear that we would never get past being just friends. He then confessed to me that he has been cheating on "N" throughout their marriage. They have been married eight years. He told me he cheated on her with his hair stylist, a neighbor and various other people.

    He begged me not to tell "N". He said that although he loves her, their sex life is awful. He feels neglected etc etc. I said they needed marriage counseling ASAP! He said she has no idea how he feels or what he has been doing. But he did say he would continue to cheat.

    So here I am in a very bad situation. I am very very close with "N". If I tell "N" what I know, she may not believe me. It could very well ruin a friendship. I doubt very much that she would leave him. She would probably get mad at me! In addition, "S" is a cop. I am afraid that if I tell his wife, it will come back to haunt me!

    What to do? What to do? HELP!
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  2. 34 Comments

  3. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I am sorry but in this situation, the friendship would terminate for me. If you are not able to discuss this with the unknowing wife (and I see why) I can't see what YOU CAN DO. I would not want to be caught in the middle of this either. I would just have to really distance myself. Call me a coward, but MY marriage and sanity are more important than getting any further involved in a mess like this. If the friend suspects her husband is cheating and confides in you, I would direct her to counseling ASAP, like you did him. And I would offer to be there as a sounding board, to listen when she needed it. Sounds to me as if you are involved as you need to be. I repeat, I would back off and really distance myself. I know not what else you can or should do.
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Apr 23, '04
  4. by   duckboy20
    I think you ought to tell her. Don't think you should do it face to face though. A good way would be to do so in a letter. Make it an anonymous letter but at least she would have the details. What she did with them is up to her and she doesn't have to know it came from you. She needs to know though. How would you feel if your husband did the same to you? Good luck!
  5. by   manna
    A poor sex life is no excuse to cheat, for Petes sake. Shame on him. Apparently, the emotional rift in this couple should have been addressed a while ago.

    I believe the she deserves to know, but I'm not sure how to best approach the subject.

    What an awkward position for you to be in - I'm sorry. Best of luck in deciding what to do.
  6. by   BeachNurse
    Quote from SmilingBluEyes
    I am sorry but in this situation, the friendship would terminate for me. If you are not able to discuss this with the unknowing wife (and I see why) I can't see what YOU CAN DO. I would not want to be caught in the middle of this either. I would just have to really distance myself. Call me a coward, but MY marriage and sanity are more important than getting any further involved in a mess like this. If the friend suspects her husband is cheating and confides in you, I would direct her to counseling ASAP, like you did him. And I would offer to be there as a sounding board, to listen when she needed it. Sounds to me as if you are involved as you need to be. I repeat, I would back off and really distance myself. I know not what else you can or should do.

    I agree..I can't imagine she has no idea. She will find out eventually. It's best to stay out. It's too awkward..unless are very close friends. I was in a similar situation with an acquaintance and chose to stay out of it. Another woman who know about it clued her in. Good luck!!!
  7. by   smk1
    on the one hand i sort of agree with the you that it will hurt the friendship and she may not even believe you so whats the point? (been there and done that) however, you really care about the wife and her health is at risk due to this mans behavior. i would try to steer a conversation one day along the lines of cheating spouses and see where it leads and let her know. let her know your concerns about losing her friendship but also let her know that you care about her and her health and so in the end you had to tell her and will accept the consequences of your decision. good luck!
  8. by   ang75
    I am so sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom or even decent advice. You are in a terrible spot and that guy is rotten! I guess I would make my decision on what to do by how close I was to my friend. I personally would want to know but you know her and have a better idea of how she would react.

    The best of luck to you!
  9. by   truern
    they kill they messenger
  10. by   Energizer Bunny
    Quote from duckboy20
    I think you ought to tell her. Don't think you should do it face to face though. A good way would be to do so in a letter. Make it an anonymous letter but at least she would have the details. What she did with them is up to her and she doesn't have to know it came from you. She needs to know though. How would you feel if your husband did the same to you? Good luck!
    I was in a similar situation once and this is what I did...the anonymous letter. Once the wife cooled down, she figured out I sent it but was grateful because it may have gone on forever.

    I think this is the best way to do it. For me, personally, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell.
  11. by   LilgirlRN
    Keep your mouth shut.
  12. by   Nikki730
    That cheating husband is self-destructive on many levels. It's bad enough to cheat on his wife, but to try to seduce his wife's best friend (or close friend)? If he had HIS way, he would create a terrible situation (if she were to suspect or find out about his cheating) and chisel away at her support network (her friend).

    He really is abusing YOUR friendship--he can logically predict that you will keep quiet and stop being friends with her out of guilt, or tell her (maybe he is so guiltridden he wants things to explode in his face, for her to divorce him and leave him free to openly pursue other people?) What a dirtbag!

    I can understand your being afraid of the repurcusions of telling the wife, since he's a cop. He's already shown that he isn't a decent person.

    Maybe he hops from lover to lover because HE'S bad in bed and THEY dump him?

    I just bet that his extreme risk taking behavior will worsen and he will be exposed somehow, even if you do nothing. I feel bad that he put you in this predicament in the first place.
  13. by   Tweety
    He probably is going to hang himself.

    I'm not sure what I would do. Some can argue it's not your business. Others would agrue his putting is wife at risk for STDs and his wife has a right to know.

    Regardless, if one my friends expected me to be dishonest by keeping a secret like that, I wouldn't consider him a friend.
  14. by   nurseunderwater
    Quote from LilgirlRN
    Keep your mouth shut.



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