cat's diary

  1. The Cats Diary

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

    DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
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  2. 15 Comments

  3. by   adrienurse
    Rules for Cats

    I. DOORS
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

    II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
    If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

    III. BATHROOMS
    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

    IV. HELPING
    If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

    V. WALKING
    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

    VI. BEDTIME
    Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

    VII. COMPUTERS
    1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
    2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
    3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
    4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
    5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
    Last edit by adrienurse on Dec 14, '02
  4. by   adrienurse
    The Wife's Cat

    A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

    As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

    As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

    At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

    Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
  5. by   adrienurse
    Cats in Physics

    Law of Cat Inertia
    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion
    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

    Law of Cat Magnetis
    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics
    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching
    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

    Law of Cat Sleeping
    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation
    A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Acceleration
    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance
    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration
    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

    Law of Obedience Resistance
    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

    First Law of Energy Conservation
    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

    Second Law of Energy Conservation
    Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation
    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking
    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

    Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

    Law of Cat Embarrassment
    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

    Law of Milk Consumption
    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement
    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

    Law of Cat Landing
    A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

    Law of Fluid Displacement
    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

    Law of Cat Disinterest
    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection
    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

    Law of Cat Composition
    A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter
  6. by   adrienurse
    Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

    9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

    8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

    7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

    6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

    5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

    4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

    3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

    2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

    and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

    1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
  7. by   adrienurse
    Rules for Dealing With Stray Cats

    1. Stray cats will not be fed.

    2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

    3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

    4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

    5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

    6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

    7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

    8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

    9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

    10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

    11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

    12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

    13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

    14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

    15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high- impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

    16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

    17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

    18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

    19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

    20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

    21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.

    22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

    23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

    24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

    25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

    26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

    27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

    28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
  8. by   Mkue
    Those are GREAT !!

    Thanks adrienurse
  9. by   emily_mom
    Those are great!! Sent them to my cat lover friend...
  10. by   kittyw
    Meow .... how funny!!
  11. by   nakitamoon
    ,,,, :chuckle lmao!!!!!! adrie~ i have two dogs,,, my 'girls',,,, could substitute (cat=dog) almost everything!,,,, i now know there is a conspiracy,,,,,, or maybe our last cat,,, before he past on,,, taught my oldest 'daughter',,,,, who taught her 'sister',,,, hmmmm

    only would need to add,,,, stand or sit next to "mommy" as she is engrossed in allnurses,,,, & repeatedly,,, take your nose,,, under her forearm,,,, lift it up off the keyboard,,,,, act sorry,,, when she tells you to stop,,,, then,,, do it again,,,,,,

    thanks for the lmao,,,,,,, :roll


    happy holidays ~kitamoon
  12. by   kids
    *sigh* welcome to my life.
  13. by   semstr
    You know my cat?
  14. by   jacolaur
    This is an enjoyable thread. I lmao all the way through!!!

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