Broaching the weight topic with a loved one....

  1. So, my question is have you ever done it? Have you ever looked at a lover/spouse and told them that their weight is affecting your level of desire?

    I'm not talking about an extra 10 pounds. I'm talking about an extra hundred in an otherwise healthy person.

    If you have found the courage to be so brutally honest, how did you deal with the lover's feelings afterward? How do you reassure that, though the weight is an issue and affects your level of sexual desire, you do still love the person inside?
  2. 10 Comments

  3. by   canoehead
    WOuldn't do it. If you want to express concern for their health go ahead, but for them to lose weight because you don't find them sexy? Way to plunge the self esteem yet again (and cause a binge or two). This one will backfire badly I think.
  4. by   Nurse Ratched
    I don't know how to broach this topic without offending someone. Some people would say that marriage vows include to love, honor and cherish, in good times and bad (through thick and thin, if you'll pardon the pun.) But aren't we also responsible to loving, honoring and cherishing ourselves so we can be the best we can be for our partner?

    I don't know that I would approach it from the standpoint of how it affects your sexual desire, but more about your concerns re: health, etc., as canoe said. Tread gently.
  5. by   nekhismom
    well, I know that when I was pregnant and my husband told me he just couldn't lay close to me because I was too big for him to put his arms around me, it just killed me. I still hold it against him to a degree. And he's not exactly skinny himself!

    So no, I just wouldn't approach it from a desire standpoint. Maybe talk about how you would like to be more fit yourself (no matter how fit you are) and how you need to exercise more/lose wt. for your health, and how you'd like to do it together for morale. THAT would go over MUCH better, I think.
  6. by   Hellllllo Nurse
    I'm glad I have a husband who has always loved and desired me for me, not my weight. He was just as loving when I was a size 20 as he is now that I'm a size 14.
  7. by   VivaLasViejas
    I had this same problem for the first few years after my DH got heavy. He is about 80# overweight, and even though I've certainly no room to complain, I have to admit that HIS weight turned me off. Eventually I got over it, because he is otherwise a very handsome man with the same beautiful smile and the same gentle ways I fell in love with 24 years ago.......besides, he has NEVER held my size against me, no matter whether I weighed 340 or 240 or 140.

    However, as I've gotten more serious about my own health and fitness, he's started dropping some pounds and become more active himself. He says I've set an example for him, and he wants to keep up with me So there's another reason to keep doing what I'm doing---HIS health may depend on it!
  8. by   bagladyrn
    Here's my perspective: My first husband told me he found me undesirable because of my weight (at the time I weighed 135 lbs.). My response - over the next year I gained 50 lbs., then dumped 180 lbs. - HIM!
  9. by   canoehead
    Rock on, baglady!
  10. by   Energizer Bunny
    I agree with everyone else here....I would bring it up as concern for his/her health and not because I am not attracted to the person any longer. Personally, my husband has almost 100 pounds to lose and I am more worried about his health than my desire for him. JMO...
  11. by   Browneyedgirl
    The lead up to this conversation was a slip of his hip Saturday night that caused me considerable pain. After making sure that I was, in fact, alright; he wanted to resume the festivities. I, however, did not. He stormed out slamming the door and muttering that I was not into it anyway. I rolled over and went to sleep to angry and hurt for words.

    The next morning he asked why I didn't play as aggresively as I once did. After a long pause, I admitted that his weight was an issue.

    Do I love this man? YES. but as Nurse Ratched said...we each have a responsibility to stay attractive for the other.

    and if I have an obligation to physically please....then by the same token does he not have an obligation to strive to be physically pleasing?

    There is an awful double standard when it comes to men/women's weight. It's not like he didn't know that he was overweight or that he is generous and forgiving when it comes to other people's weight. he regularly makes fat jokes about just about anyone we see.
  12. by   Tweety
    Quote from bagladyrn
    Here's my perspective: My first husband told me he found me undesirable because of my weight (at the time I weighed 135 lbs.). My response - over the next year I gained 50 lbs., then dumped 180 lbs. - HIM!

    You go girl!