Atkins With A Twist

  1. I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger
    readers, but when my generation was your age, we
    did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about
    taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the
    tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could
    actually open with your bare hands. We bought
    appliances that were not festooned with helpful
    safety warnings such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS
    But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we
    did was -- prepare to be shocked -- we
    deliberately ingested carbohydrates.
    I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were
    young and foolish, and there was a lot of peer
    pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would
    be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix
    record playing (a "record" was a primitive
    compact disc that operated by static
    electricity). And then, when the mood was right,
    somebody would say: "You wanna do some 'drates?"
    And the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of
    pretzels going around, or crackers, or even
    potato chips, and we'd put these things into our
    mouths and just...EAT them.
    I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was
    that we were ignorant. It's not like now, when
    everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and
    virtually every product is advertised as
    being "low-carb," including beer, denture
    adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and
    Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our
    own MOTHERS gave us bread!
    Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People
    are terrified of all carbohydrates, as evidenced
    by the recent mass robbery at a midtown Manhattan
    restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets
    over to a man armed only with a strand of No. 8
    spaghetti. ("Do what he says! He has pasta!")
    The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated
    twice this month because of reports -- false,
    thank heavens -- that terrorists had put a bagel
    in the water supply.
    But as I say, in the old days we didn't
    recognize the danger of carbohydrates. We
    believed that the reason you got fat was from
    eating "calories," which are tiny units of
    measurement that cause food to taste good. When
    we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie
    diets in which we ate only inedible foods such as
    celery, which is actually a building material,
    and grapefruit, which is nutritious but offers the
    same level of culinary satisfaction as chewing on
    an Odor Eater.
    The problem with the low-calorie diet was that
    a normal human could stick to it for, at most,
    four hours, at which point he or she would have
    no biological choice but to sneak out to the
    garage and snork down an entire bag of Snickers,
    sometimes without removing the wrappers. So
    nobody lost weight, and everybody felt guilty all
    the time. Many people, in desperation turned to
    But then along came the bold food pioneer who
    invented the Atkins Diet: Dr. Something Atkins.
    After decades of research on nutrition and weight
    gain -- including the now-famous Hostess Ding
    Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted in a
    laboratory rat the size of a minivan --
    Dr. Atkins discovered an amazing thing:
    Calories don't matter! What matter are
    Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that --
    incredible though it seemed -- as long as you
    avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt,
    eat high-fat, high-calorie foods such as cheese,
    bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You could eat
    an entire pig, as long as the pig had not
    recently been exposed to bread.
    At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers
    such as Galileo and Eminem, Dr. Atkins met with
    skepticism, even hostility. The low- calorie
    foods industry went after him big time. The
    Celery Growers Association hired a detective to --
    yes -- stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly
    slashed by what police determined to be shards of
    Melba toast.
    But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a
    dream -- a dream that, someday, he would help the
    human race by selling it 427 million diet books.
    And he did, achieving vindication for his diet
    before his tragic demise in an incident that the
    autopsy report listed as "totally unrelated to
    the undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found
    in his stomach."
    But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions
    of Americans to lose weight. The irony is, you
    can't tell this by looking at actual Americans,
    who have, as a group, become so heavy that North
    America will soon be underwater as far inland as
    Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people
    are still sneaking Snickers. You should be
    ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?
  2. 4 Comments

  3. by   Saved_by_Grace
    Pretty cheeky... ..ok I'm one of those big ol' Americans but not on Atkins.. Good read though!
  4. by   suzanne4

    Thanks again for the smiles..................
  5. by   shel_wny
    Wonderfully written and hilarious.
    Thanks for making me laugh.

  6. by   nursebedlam
    excellent :chuckle :roll :chuckle