At a loss...

  1. A friend of my teenage son died today in a car wreck. I'm at a loss as to how to comfort him. There is nothing I can do to take his pain away. I've been talking with him all night, letting him vent his feelings, just listening, because there is nothing I can do to make it better. He just went to his room to see if he can sleep.

    I don't know exactly why my first thought is to share this on the bb. I guess I am feeling anxious, and it's hard to see your child hurting and know that it will just take time to heal. It's 12:30am and no one else is awake here, and I need to relax a little so I can lie down. I keep imagining what the boys parents must be going through right now, and I feel for them so much. But of course I can not even fathom their pain.
  2. 19 Comments

  3. by   cwazycwissyRN
    RN2bNC, I am so sorry for the situation you and your son are going through. My heart truly goes out to you. I hope you know that your being there for your son IS helping your son. Your love and comfort for him is so very important. You can not take away his pain..... but you are a comfort I am sure. I speak from the experience of being in your sons shoes. I would only make one suggestion if I may...let him talk about his friend to you, let him share the tears and the joys his friend represents. I know you have probably already done this......this was just something that was so very important to me....when I went through it. May you find peace of mind enough to sleep. I will be praying for you both.
  4. by   LaVorneRN
    RN2B-My prayer right now as I type these words is:
    Father, in your precious Son's name I ask that you cover the family and friends of the child who has lost their life on earth, with Your tender care, strength, and comfort in a time of pain and confusion. Bless those trying to comfort others with the words and actions only You can show. My prayer is for peace of mind in a time of incredible sadness. The hardest part for us is the missing of someone we love. Help us to remember that beyond this earth, with You, there is no more pain, no more sorrow, no more worries. What we don't comprehend today will come to light some day. Good comes out of all things...someday. But right now please bless with peace, comfort, and strength for RN2B, her son, and his friend's family. Amen.

    RN2B I hope this helps and brings you some insight into what to say to your son. Offering to pray with him may help. Listening to him vent is a powerful thing you are doing. Let him know his friend would want him to be strong and remember the wonderful things about their friendship. Talk to him about things he may want to do to help his friend's family at a time like this-like help with arrangements(let them know if they need addresses/numbers of his friends to notify of service dates, preparing food for services)
    There are things he can do to redirect his pain into constructive useful things like send them flowers, speak with other friends having a hard time-like a support group, writing his friend a letter to tell him what he meant to him, etc. There is an overwhelming feeling of helplessness for you and your son-with any death there is for most of us. Things like this give a feeling of usefulness and contribution as well as taking the focus from the pain.

    I hope this helps you both. My heart goes out to you. Peace and blessings. (((((((HUGS)))))))
  5. by   CountrifiedRN
    Thank you both so much. Your posts brought tears to my eyes, it's been a rough day. My son is sleeping now, so I am off to bed as well. LaVorne, your prayer has brought me comfort, it is so beautifully worded. I will show it to my son tomorrow.
  6. by   karenG
    I am so sorry. My brother went through this when he was 16- his best friend fell into a mill pond and was pulled under- no-one could save. My brother felt so guilty at living while his friend died. It takes a while, but he has learnt to live with it and move on.....but it was so hard.

    my thoughts are with you.

  7. by   aimeee
    A week and a half ago two beautiful teenage sisters who were friends of our family were killed in a car accident. The sudden loss is too much for words. I know just what you mean.

    There are some new programs starting up using art as grief therapy. I've heard good things about them.

    There is an urge to DO something with all that pent-up emotion and yet exhaustion at the same time. One thing we did was to go to the store and pick out a selection of fruit to give to the family. This gave them some little healthy thing they could grab to snack on when their world was turned upside down.
  8. by   RNIAM
    I am so sorry for what your going through right now. I think that you are doing exactly what your son wants right now. You are there for him. He needs you to listen to him, hold him when he crys and be his strenght. Hold him tight and remember to never let him leave your sight without telling him just how much you love him. I know in times like these I rember just how lucky I am. I am sure you have thought the same thing. When there is a loss of a child I always think what would I ever do without my own child? Just hold on to him and love him . He has a great mom.
  9. by   zudy
    RN2b, I know this is so tough. When I was married to my children's father, his 16 yr old nephew died from a self inficted GSW. It is so tough when young people die. You are doing the best thing by letting your child vent and grieve. I think that seeing your own child hurting, and not being able to stop the pain, to "make it all better",is the hardest thing in the world. I will pray for you, your son, his friend and the family.
  10. by   Love-A-Nurse
    deb, i am so sorry to read this news. i think you are doing the best at this time for your son by letting him vent and having open arms for him.

    i wished i had the magical words to say, but i don't. know that i will keep each of you in my prayers.

  11. by   JedsMom
    I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. I think you are doing just what you need to do by just being there for your son. I will keep you all in my prayers.
  12. by   jnette
    I feel deeply for your son, for you having to watch his pain and anguish, and for the boy's family. It hurts to read this.

    Please understand that you cannot, nor should you attempt to take away the pain your son is feeling. He MUST feel it, experience it, to resolve this within himself, or it will haunt him and linger forver. It is never pleasant to watch your child have to go through this.. we want to kiss it and make it better.. make it all go away.

    But he must be allowed to grieve and express his sorrow.. in whichever manner he feels most comfortable with. Know also that as his "outward self" appears to be healing, his "inner self" will still be struggling for may years to come. The soul takes longer to digest these things.

    As stated so wisely above, the best thing you can do for him is to BE THERE for him.. for when HE wants to talk, to share. Offer him yourself, but don't push yourself on him.. allow him to come to you. Often, fewer words are better. But a long and heartfelt hug speaks volumes. Seeing the pain in your eyes, he will know you share his pain and that he is not having to go through this alone.

    My daughter lost her first love at 16. He was driving to meet her on his lunchbreak from his police training school he had just been accepted into.. rolled the truck over and was killed.

    It is the most painful thing a mother will ever have to go through besides losing her own.. watching her child grieve over the loss of a beloved friend ... and knowing that there is NOTHING she can say to make it better.

    May God bless all of you and the boy's family in this dark hour.
    May He send the Comforter to envelope each one in His tender Love, and provide comfort and strength as only He can.
  13. by   Chiaramonte
    So sorry to hear of your son's and your saddness.
    There are no words...just prayers.
    I lost my best friend to an MVA when I was ten and
    I must admit it was life alterating.
  14. by   dianah
    As parents we want to FIX IT for our loved ones, whenever, whatever. As others have posted, just be there. Listen. Cry with him. Loved the suggestions to do something positive for the family. Thinking of you all. -- D