As if I don't have enough of my own problems!

  1. My mother is one of the most toxic people I have ever met. She is vindictive, manipulative, dishonest, controlling, emotionally abusive, and self absorbed. She called me today because she wants me to lie in court for her.

    Four years ago, she sold a house that she owned, which happens to be next door to her house, to my neice. She owned the house for many years. and could not keep renters, so she made an agreement with my neice to rent the house for five years, then put a percentage of the rent towards a down payment on the house. I warned my neice not to take the offer, and so did my sister(her mother). But my mother gave them a good price, and they wanted to buy a house, so they moved in. For the last two years my mother has been trying to drive them out of the house. She has called the police because my niece's truck was parked too close to her property. She has called Child Protective Services so many times over silly things, that they don't even bother coming to check things out any more. She has told lies about my niece and her family, including trying to convince my niece that her husband is gay, and that he is cheating on her. My niece has a lot of money tied up in the house in the rent, as well as in improvements they have made, so it would be difficult for them to move.

    The latest is that my mother is bringung suit against them to move. I truly believe that she thinks she can get more money if she sells the house to someone else. She has tried numerous times to get me involved in this matter and I have refused. My niece respects this decision, and knows that I do not want to go against my mother. I don't know why I feel this way, I just cannot bring myself to do something that would completely end my relationship with her, even though we are so distant emotionally. My mother does not respect this decision however, and becomes very angry with me when I refuse to listen to her complain about my niece.

    Today she asked me to testify at her hearing on her behalf. She wants me to say that I was present when she signed the agreement with my niece, and that my niece altered it later. I refused, and she then said that I better be careful about leaving my grandchildren with my niece, because she would testify for my DIL at the permanent custody hearing if I did. My niece keeps the kids once in a while if my son and I are both working and my hubby or one of my other kids can't watch them. My mother has never done anything to help with them, by the way.

    I'm not afraid that she can do anything to affect my son's chances for custody, I am just venting about my mother. I don't know how anyone can be that evil. And I don't know why I cannot end my relationship with her. I know she will never be anything like the mother I always wanted her to be.
    Last edit by RNinICU on Aug 6, '02
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  2. 26 Comments

  3. by   kids
    {{{hug}}}
    You can't end it because she is your Mother.
    {{{hug}}}
    I know, that doesn't answer anything.
    {{{hug}}}

    -nancy
  4. by   fedupnurse
    She sounds like a very sick woman! Your poor niece to be living like that. If you get subpeonad, please just tell the truth. Perhaps your niece should start a suit for harassment against you mother. Perhaps she should turn the tables and start signing cross complaints every time your mother calls the autorities on her. This way she will have documentation of this womans erratic behavior which should help her in court. If I was your niece, gradma or not, I'd get a lawyer and sue her for the costs she as incurred fixing up the house and for harassment. Sounds like Mother should see a counselor and be on medication. She'd be out of my life in a heart beat! Thank God you turned out so good!! Good luck RNinICU. You are definetly in a bad spot!
  5. by   moonchild20002000
    I know you can never end your relationship with your mom.
    Sometimes its painful to see our parents as they are instead of how we want them to be.
    Warm thoughts and hugs are coming your way,come and vent any time.It won't change things but it may make you feel better.
  6. by   BadBird
    Wow, I feel soooo sorry for you and your niece. Thank God you don't live next door to her. I think your niece needs to rethink buying that house, her sanity may be worth more than the money she has invested in it.
  7. by   amblessing
    Originally posted by RNinICU
    My mother is one of the most toxic people I have ever met. She is vindictive, manipulative, dishonest, controlling, emotionally abusive, and self absorbed.
    Well, I think I just found MY mother's twin sister My mother not only manages to alienate every friend or husband she's ever had (she's had 6 of them) - but she also manages to do that with each and every family member as well.

    I feel for your situation. Fortunately for me, my mother hasn't spoken to me, my husband, or her two grandchildren for over a year and she has seen any of us for 5 years. My only advice is NOT to get caught up in your mom's web of lies. Hopefully she won't "turn" on you like my mom did with us. Good luck, believe me I know how aggrevating toxic people can be.
  8. by   RNinICU
    Originally posted by fedupnurse
    She sounds like a very sick woman! Your poor niece to be living like that. If you get subpeonad, please just tell the truth. Perhaps your niece should start a suit for harassment against you mother. Perhaps she should turn the tables and start signing cross complaints every time your mother calls the autorities on her. This way she will have documentation of this womans erratic behavior which should help her in court. If I was your niece, gradma or not, I'd get a lawyer and sue her for the costs she as incurred fixing up the house and for harassment. Sounds like Mother should see a counselor and be on medication. She'd be out of my life in a heart beat! Thank God you turned out so good!! Good luck RNinICU. You are definetly in a bad spot!
    We have tried for years to get help for her. I have spoken to her physician several times over the years, but my mother refuses any kind of meds or counseling. She feels there is nothing wrong with her, and that it is everyone else who needs help. I have three sisters, and only one of us sees her frequently. This sister is just like my mother, so they feed off of each other. Two of my sisters have battled depression for years, and both have attempted suicide. One of these two has been involved in self destructive behavior all of her life. I do not know why I have escaped from this situation relatively unscathed. I only know that for as long as I can remember, I have been determined to be different from her, and not treat others the way she does. I got married at 17 to get away from her, and was d**n lucky that I married the man that I did. All three of my sisters were adults, and on their second marriage before they woke up to the kind of person she is, and started to release themselves from her control. I have come to believe that some people are truly evil, and this woman is one of those people.

    My neice is filing a countersuit, and has documentation, but I don't know how things are going to go for her. At the preliminary fact finding session, the judge asked her "How can you treat your 80 year old grandmother this way?" If my neice needs my help, I will testify for her. All she is asking for is for my mother to complete the sale of the house, or reimburse enough of the money she has already put into the house to make a down payment on another.
  9. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    (((((((RNinICU)))))))

    I don't know what to say. You and your family are in my thoughts. I hope that all of you can find your way out of this horrid situation, and away from that evil woman!

    Heather
  10. by   live4today
    Originally posted by moonchild20002000
    I know you can never end your relationship with your mom.
    Sometimes its painful to see our parents as they are instead of how we want them to be.
    Warm thoughts and hugs are coming your way,come and vent any time.It won't change things but it may make you feel better.
    It is indeed most painful to see one's parents as they are instead of how we want them to be. I've been craving parental attention all my life.....even as an adult, I still have a need for my parents...but I know it is something that I will never ever have.

    Yet......I love them with God's love......I don't like them......but I must love them with His Perfect love......hoping one day they will wake up and smell the caffeine in the coffee, and the fresh aroma on all the beautiful flowers, and realize they have a lot of pain in their hearts that needs to be surrendered in order for them to be able to see beyond the darkness they both have been living in all of their lives. I cry for my parents. It's hard.....it will never get any easier.....but I had to accept that they would never be able to nurture me or my siblings the way that we all desperately need.

    ((((((((hugs RNinICU))))))) :kiss Whatever you do......do NOT enable your mother to continue in the way she has been living by lying for her. Get on that stand and tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If she looks at you strange afterwards, and calls you names, look her dead in the eye and say "Mother, I did you a favor, and I hope one day you will come to realize it before you die. Call what I did an act of TOUGH LOVE for you. I know you don't understand it, but one day I pray you will." Then, go home and never stop praying for your mother. We don't have to FEEL any human emotion for those who despitefully use and abuse us......but we can pray for them through God's love in hopes that someone somewhere will be able to unravel all the cobwebs within them that they don't even know how to rid themselves of.

    Ugly is as ugly does. Beauty is as beautfy does. Do 'BEAUTY' to your mother. Don't be ugly.....don't be an accomplice to her.....be the 'beauty' that she has obviously never seen before in her miserable life. :kiss
  11. by   Mkue
    That is a very sad situation indeed. Under oath I would not lie. I would take the high road. Don't let your mother manipulate you, just because you are her daughter she thinks she has a right to do this. You are a grown woman and make your own choices.

    If it's any consolation, I have some dysfunctional people in my family also. Like the old saying goes, "you can pick your friends but you can't pick family".

    Good Luck

  12. by   fedupnurse
    I wonder if a group like Al-Anon might help your niece and sister. It is the same type of behavior. I am so glad for you that you beat the odds and became a strong person and clearly, from other posts, a great and loving parent and grandparent. Manipulative people suck! And if she isn't willing to admit there is a problem, the doc is right, treatment won't help.
    God bless you RNinICU!!!!
  13. by   oramar
    THis story is so convoluted I have hard time following it. All as I can say is never, never lie in court.
  14. by   Sleepyeyes
    Originally posted by fedupnurse
    I wonder if a group like Al-Anon might help your niece and sister. It is the same type of behavior.
    God bless you RNinICU!!!!
    I agree; you might try a couple of meetings because who knows? they might be able to give you some tips on how to handle this.

    I have a family member who (I don't think) uses alcohol, but because she was raised by alcoholic parents, carries the behaviors. So Al=Anon really helped me understand her and deal with her better. (when I had to at all....luckily, my contact with her is limited.)

    God Bless, we'll be praying for Him to give you wisdom in this matter.

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