Any nurses in emotionally abusive relationships?

  1. Just wondering how many of us are stuck in these types of relationships. Why do you think we stay? What have you found are the effects on you personally, emotionally, etc. Abuse can take many forms, I have never been hit but have been lied to, manipulated, yelled at, ignored, subject to rage outburts for no reason. Anyone been here? I cannot explain what it is like.....
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  2. 97 Comments

  3. by   SmilingBluEyes
    Been there, but did NOT stay. I think many do for a few reasons, main one being we are nurturers and SOMETIMES co-dependent in our relationships. It is not unusual for nurses to be involved in abusive relationships, and for anyone, breaking the cycle can be tough. For some reason, you give permission to this person to do this to you. You have to tell him it's not ok and mean it. That is easier said than done, I know, but necessary if you will retain any self-respect and have any sort of decent life. I am so glad I had the strength and some VERY good friends to help me out my bad situation all those years ago.....
  4. by   trish820
    I am and I am starting to get down on myself too. I am a PCA (Patient Care Associate) at a local hospital and I would love to go to nursing school when our daughter (age 3) get's into kindergarten but I really don't think I will be able to because of him. He doesn't smoke, drink, or run around but he is very controlling and yells alot when it comes to our daughter doing things and the "stupid" things I do.

    Thanks for listening.

    Trish
  5. by   barefootlady
    Sounds like a hectic day on the floor to me. Sorry, did not mean to sound unfeeling. Whatever the reason, we, both males and females, turn a blind eye to those we love. In turn, that leads us to accept behaviors we do not accept in others. Sounds simple, but isn't. No magic answer here, just each person making a decision as to what they can and will accept.
  6. by   MADISMOM
    My first marriage (at the age of 18) was unfortunately that way. I was never physically abused, but at times thought that would have been easier. It took me until the age of 24 before I had had enough. Drugs played a major part of that, on his behalf. I have never used drugs in my life, but I have lived with someone who did and it was HELL on a daily basis. Just remember, no one owns you and you have the right to speak up! Also, my first husband was so controlling that I tried to start nursing school when I was 19 and he was too jealous for me to go to the local community college and said that he would leave me if I started going....so I gave up on it. I wasted all that time and final when I left him for good, I was on my own and couldn't afford to go to college and maintain a household. But, thanks be unto God that I now have a wonderful, Christian husband that supports me in all my goals and dreams and I am scheduled to start LPN school in Jan. 05. I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I will pray for you!

    Remember this verse, it has gotten me where I am today.
    Jeremiah 29:11
    I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    God Bless!
  7. by   rica75
    I just left my emotionally abusive husband of 10 years! I did not realize that it was "abuse" for a long, long time. After I told him I was pregnate with our son I realized. His response was "They have a pill to take care of that now!" For the first time ever, I punched him. Hard! In the gut! BOY IT FELT GOOOOOOOOD! But still I stayed with him thinking it would all be better once the baby was born. I went through the entire pregnancy with him BLAMING me and saying I did this! It doesn't take anyone in the medical profession to know it takes two. But to this day, it's all my doing. And he let all his freinds know this. I don't think he really has freinds anymore, they weren't as blind as me. Anyway, after I told him, we still moved onto our 40 acres of land in Arizona. I mean only 40 acres. No electricity, water, plumbing (that's a whole diffrent story!), house, nothing, just juniper pines that grow no more than 6 feet tall and cactus and free range cows everywhere. So us along with our 7 year-old daughter moved there with a 25-foot travel trailer in the snow. Yes, it snows in the high desert plains of Arizona, it just turns to mud when the sun comes out. Sticky, clay mud! So then the baby's born, and he loves him. But still treats me like crap. When the baby wakes in the middle of the night, "This is so muck f#%&*#@g fun, let's do it again!" I finally got up the nerve to say, I would love to, just not with you! Anyway, the breaking point was while trying to breast-feed, I had to get a job because his was seasonal and he wouldn't look for another one, he talked alot of crap about me to our now 8 y/o daughter. Of course she would tell me all, and some was really not meant for any little girl to hear, not nice. One morning, while he was with a freind, she told me he said, "IF YOUR MOTHER AND I BREAK UP, [B]IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" WELL i PACKED US UP AND WENT TO MY MOM'S FOR THE WEEK TO THINK. It took two more months, but we now live with my mother in Phoenix. We are supposed to visit him this week-end, and I'm really nervous about how he'll pull at my heart strings. He's one of those that will even threaten suicide. Or the kids need a 2 parent family. Or no one will ever love me like he does( I hope not!). BE STRONG. Do what your heart tells you is best for you! Especially if kids are involved.
  8. by   susanna
    When I got older, I started hearing things about a lot of the people I most respected in my life. After hearing all the secrets and lies behind the people I once knew as so admirable and nice, I am now cynical and believe that all relationships are abusive or at least manipulative to an extent.

    I've been emotionally and physically abused by people close to me. This has really scarred me but I think ehat has hurts me the most is when people who I have admired during my times of getting abused did not tell me the truth about themselves or help me. Thats not really abusive but I do feel manipulated by this. Its like you hope for something better, when in reality, there wasn't anything better. Like, everybody is abusive to someone in their life. Like its human nature and there aint nothin u can do bout it.

    I've found no other solution to this than becoming antisocial and a little bit of a misanthropist. I don't get too close to anyone even though I always feel that I need comfort and companionship the most in my life. Don't know what else there is to do.
  9. by   MADISMOM
    I feel so sorry for you. Don't give in to all of that nonsense that he may throw your way. Do what's best for you and the children. Sound's like you've been doing fine without him. If you do consider going back to him, PLEASE seek counseling...BOTH OF YOU, TOGETHER....also remember to put God in the middle of all things. God Bless you and I'll be praying for you.
    Quote from rica75
    I just left my emotionally abusive husband of 10 years! I did not realize that it was "abuse" for a long, long time. After I told him I was pregnate with our son I realized. His response was "They have a pill to take care of that now!" For the first time ever, I punched him. Hard! In the gut! BOY IT FELT GOOOOOOOOD! But still I stayed with him thinking it would all be better once the baby was born. I went through the entire pregnancy with him BLAMING me and saying I did this! It doesn't take anyone in the medical profession to know it takes two. But to this day, it's all my doing. And he let all his freinds know this. I don't think he really has freinds anymore, they weren't as blind as me. Anyway, after I told him, we still moved onto our 40 acres of land in Arizona. I mean only 40 acres. No electricity, water, plumbing (that's a whole diffrent story!), house, nothing, just juniper pines that grow no more than 6 feet tall and cactus and free range cows everywhere. So us along with our 7 year-old daughter moved there with a 25-foot travel trailer in the snow. Yes, it snows in the high desert plains of Arizona, it just turns to mud when the sun comes out. Sticky, clay mud! So then the baby's born, and he loves him. But still treats me like crap. When the baby wakes in the middle of the night, "This is so muck f#%&*#@g fun, let's do it again!" I finally got up the nerve to say, I would love to, just not with you! Anyway, the breaking point was while trying to breast-feed, I had to get a job because his was seasonal and he wouldn't look for another one, he talked alot of crap about me to our now 8 y/o daughter. Of course she would tell me all, and some was really not meant for any little girl to hear, not nice. One morning, while he was with a freind, she told me he said, "IF YOUR MOTHER AND I BREAK UP, [B]IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" WELL i PACKED US UP AND WENT TO MY MOM'S FOR THE WEEK TO THINK. It took two more months, but we now live with my mother in Phoenix. We are supposed to visit him this week-end, and I'm really nervous about how he'll pull at my heart strings. He's one of those that will even threaten suicide. Or the kids need a 2 parent family. Or no one will ever love me like he does( I hope not!). BE STRONG. Do what your heart tells you is best for you! Especially if kids are involved.
  10. by   MADISMOM
    Trust me...I'm on my second marriage and there are people out there that really care about you and your dreams. Don't give up...."Mr. Right" will come along.
    Quote from susanna
    When I got older, I started hearing things about a lot of the people I most respected in my life. After hearing all the secrets and lies behind the people I once knew as so admirable and nice, I am now cynical and believe that all relationships are abusive or at least manipulative to an extent.

    I've been emotionally and physically abused by people close to me. This has really scarred me but I think ehat has hurts me the most is when people who I have admired during my times of getting abused did not tell me the truth about themselves or help me. Thats not really abusive but I do feel manipulated by this. Its like you hope for something better, when in reality, there wasn't anything better. Like, everybody is abusive to someone in their life. Like its human nature and there aint nothin u can do bout it.

    I've found no other solution to this than becoming antisocial and a little bit of a misanthropist. I don't get too close to anyone even though I always feel that I need comfort and companionship the most in my life. Don't know what else there is to do.
  11. by   Phenomenon
    Thank you so much for sharing that. It helps to know that

    1. I am not alone

    2. There is hope for a better relationship out there

    I have been struggling for years with this and it is truly a cycle. I work up the nerve to leave and then boom, he is Mr. Nice guy again. he is nice for a while but it never lasts. It is like Jekyll and Hyde. I have finally gotten to the point of knowing I cannot change him (finally). Now it is just needing the courage to move on. A scary thought........

    I am always the one taking care of things, helping people, sounds very much like nursing.

    He has smashed a table in front of our daughter, drove recklessly out of anger, rages at me for no reason, swears, ignores me, withholds sex, is jealous for no reason. He says he is going to counselling, will change, he loves us........but it sounds very much like the song and dance I heard last year, and the year before, and the year before, etc.

    God give me the courage to leave, I am facing this task next
  12. by   SmilingBluEyes
    You can do it. No one here is pretending it is easy, cause it's not. I tolerated alot of nonphysical abuse that eventually turned violent and physical later on, not realizing how dangerous this man was. He would always woo me back with promises it would never happen again or flowers and gifts. He was at his most charming and I was happiest in these "honeymoon" periods of our relationship. But now looking back, I realize I was giving him all kinds of permission to escalate and keep on abusing me. I did not know the trap I had myself in. It finally hit me how bad he was---- when he proceeded to choke me one night after drinking too much! ( I was not a fast learner, was I).

    I distinctly remember praying that if I got out of this relationship alive, I would leave and never go back. And he released me and left the apartment in a rage. Honest it was just like THAT. I did not waste my time; I got out and to a friend's house with only the clothes on my back that night. It was one defining moment in my life I won't forget more than 18 years later! Even after I left, he stalked me, begging for another chance for nearly a YEAR. It was hell, but without my good friends standing beside me, keeping me strong, I would not have survived, I am sure. That and a lot of prayer and help from my Lord.

    Of course he will try to manipulate you back into the relationship. That is their modus operandi, to keep you in their control. I have learned a lot having lived it -----Leaving an abuser to me, is a lot like getting out of quicksand. You have to use your HEAD and be STRONG, not RASH or indecisive. But many of us here have done it. DO not be afraid to ask for help from those you love and are willing. You will need all the support you can get to stay strong in the weeks and months after you have left, believe me.

    I can say my story has a great ending: I am in a wonderful marriage of 15 plus years, no looking back except to say WHEW! It won't be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is, as the OLD cliche goes. I wish you best. My heart goes out to you as a sister who has been there.
    Last edit by SmilingBluEyes on Jun 10, '04
  13. by   rica75
    Smiling Blue Eyes is sooooo right!! I have not been away from my husband for even a month, and I feel my heart drop into my feet every time he calls. He still throws a tantrum if I don't say "I love you" before we hang-up, because I told him we would try to work things out. It is a very difficult road to go down, and I would have given my right arm to get some advise from those who have been in the same situation. It's hard to stay strong, unless you have some support. The day you leave, will be the hardest thing ever, and he will beg you to stay, and don't take his whole life away, ect. He will make every attempt to pull your heart strings. I just kept saying to myself, I'm doing this for me, I'm doing this for my kids. Look back, now that you realize there's a big problem, and he's been controlling you. Are you the same person you were before him? I started to realize that I had changed in many ways, like him. I don't like me anymore. I am struggeling, with the help of my parents and freinds from high school (who knew me before) to find myself again. I realized I needed to do this, in a dream I had, about 2 or 3 months ago. I was out cruising the strip with some freinds, like back in high school, and one asked why I wasn't at home. I said I was out finding myself again. I woke-up crying, realizing that's exactally what I needed to do. Do you ever feel that way too?
    If you would like to e-mail me, and talk alittle more private, feel free
    rica75@go.com

    We all need alittle help from our freinds. That's why we have this forum!
    Last edit by rica75 on Jun 10, '04
  14. by   1BlessedRN
    Quote from rica75
    Smiling Blue Eyes is sooooo right!! I have not been away from my husband for even a month, and I feel my heart drop into my feet every time he calls. He still throws a tantrum if I don't say "I love you" before we hang-up, because I told him we would try to work things out. It is a very difficult road to go down, and I would have given my right arm to get some advise from those who have been in the same situation. It's hard to stay strong, unless you have some support. The day you leave, will be the hardest thing ever, and he will beg you to stay, and don't take his whole life away, ect. He will make every attempt to pull your heart strings. I just kept saying to myself, I'm doing this for me, I'm doing this for my kids. Look back, now that you realize there's a big problem, and he's been controlling you. Are you the same person you were before him? I started to realize that I had changed in many ways, like him. I don't like me anymore. I am struggeling, with the help of my parents and freinds from high school (who knew me before) to find myself again. I realized I needed to do this, in a dream I had, about 2 or 3 months ago. I was out cruising the strip with some freinds, like back in high school, and one asked why I wasn't at home. I said I was out finding myself again. I woke-up crying, realizing that's exactally what I needed to do. Do you ever feel that way too?
    If you would like to e-mail me, and talk alittle more private, feel free
    rica75@go.com

    We all need alittle help from our freinds. That's why we have this forum!
    I can relate to all these post but to yours the most, my eyes water in tears because I have been there and I remember the pain I went through from both verbal and some physical abuse from my exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx of 15yrs ago I was very naive then, but as a woman now I can say to you God intended for US to be happy, that might seem bleek to you now but in time it will only get better, think of your daughter and son and do the best for them because if his accusing/abuse is bothering you surely it is bothering them and THEY deserve better, the road may look slim and dark and you might be confused as in what to do but a brighter day is ahead, do the right thing loose him sweetie, let him go, until HE makes up HIS mind to seek counseling this cycle will continue and only get worse...you are in my prayers
    Last edit by 1BlessedRN on Jun 10, '04

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