animal humor

  1. top 10 ways to tell martha stewart is stalking your dog

    10. there's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

    9. the dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

    8. the dog toys are all stored in mccoy crocks.

    7. the pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

    6. that telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

    5. you find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with
    copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a
    #2 rosette tip.

    4. dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting
    material for the birds.

    3. a seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front
    of your dog's crate.

    2. your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme
    colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.

    and the number one way you know that martha stewart is stalking your dog is...

    1. the dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

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  2. 5 Comments

  3. by   sunnygirl272
    borrowed from another site


    THE WELCOME


    I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!

    Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift!

    Oh, 'BONK' missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming!

    Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.

    She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...

    The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!

    Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME!

    Oh, oh, 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' I cannot be still! You're home! And look, look, I have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME!

    I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years! And so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a little!

    Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!

    And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous! Oh, and you're speaking! "Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble."

    YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump! I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump!

    "Off."

    Darn. Oh, I cannot be still.

    I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me-my tummy, my head, my sides! Oh, oh,oh.

    Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we sleep at night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and 'L-E-A-P' I can get up here close to her.

    And here she comes!

    Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck and-uh oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it's my present to her! Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I think I'm about to burst!


    "Off."

    Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She's coming back!

    She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love 'lick, lick, lick' you taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day, I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again!

    My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh 'lick, lick, lick'. "Murble, murble, Mickee, good boy, murble, murble."

    "Off."

    Darn.

    I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur-it's-not. It is very warm. I don't know because I don't think. How does she do that?

    And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me. The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she will come...and she's putting on her play skin! YES! We will play-sometime. My tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy.

    Now she's going in the room with the wonderful water bowl! I LOVE that water bowl - always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again.

    Oh, oh, oh....

    Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds. Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now she'll sleep. But that's okay.

    She's HOME!


    SHE'S home.

    She's home.

    And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she sleeps. And when she wakes up she won't smell so tired. And we'll play and play.

    S-i-g-h. I'll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps.

    And wait again. For, the next thing that happens, HE''LL be home.

    And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........

    -Written by Jana Mauney
  4. by   LasVegasRN
    THE WELCOME - I love that!! Gotta go home and play with my boody boo..
  5. by   CATHYW
    THE WELCOME -too good! Somebody knows the mind of a dog very well! LOL!
  6. by   shygirl
    I don't know what's the matter with me? I cried through the whole thing! I had to go kiss my dog on his head after I read this. He just looked up at me like..."What?...Oh....Okay."
    Do you think they really feel this way?
    Shygirl
  7. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    Awwww.... how sweet! I look forward to greeting the dog the most when I come home. Not because I missed him more than any of the real people that live in my house, but because he's the most excited to see ME!

    Heather

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