And Now, For Something Completely Different....

  1. To inject a bit of humor.... Got this in an email, and it left me rolling on the floor. Helen, you will, I think, find this VERY funny.

    Kevin McHugh

    COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE

    Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

    Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    The Dutch War - Tied.

    War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
    future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
    •  
  2. 44 Comments

  3. by   kmchugh
    I almost forgot. My own addition:

    And let us not forget France's most recent naval victory, in which the French staged a daring commando raid. This raid, executed with style and panache, successfully sank a ship belonging to the maurading fleet owned by ........ Greenpeace. The ship was sunk at anchor ...... in a harbor ....... while unattended. The French still got caught, and after about 30 seconds of implausible denial, promptly surrendered. To Greenpeace.
  4. by   passing thru
    The Napoleonic wars lost? Who wrote this?
    We were taught Napoleon conquered and controlled most of Europe and North africa for 40 years...
    so much for my high school.........
  5. by   Q.
    Hee!
  6. by   Furball
    Greenpeace eh?:imbar
  7. by   eltrip
    A good chuckle!
  8. by   Gomer
    Who cares how they do in battle....they still make the best wine/champagne in the universe. And the way they fight, I would rather they be on the other side anyway.
  9. by   sjoe
    Good post. As Andy Rooney said on Sunday's 60 Minutes, they have not earned the right to oppose the US's military decisions, including Bush's regarding Iraq.

    Full text at : http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/...in540729.shtml
    Last edit by sjoe on Feb 18, '03
  10. by   Q.
    they still make the best wine/champagne in the universe.
    Actually, I prefer the Italian and German wines. And my lastest Australian kick: Shiraz.
  11. by   Furball
    I drink American wine and eat "freedom fries" rather than french fries... compliments of a local restaurant who scratched the word french off their menu!
  12. by   Q.
    I heard that too! Freedom fries!
  13. by   passing thru
    SJOE--and then Andy said: "But, I have."
  14. by   passing thru
    Yes ! German wines !

    But, Moet & Chandon DOES sound so classy when ordering..
    say Moet and Chandon, and THEN

    say one of the german wines...
    Hoffstedder, Liermilch ! goobergnatner !

    German wines are delish, thank god they taste better than they are gutterally ordered. LOL
    Last edit by passing thru on Feb 18, '03

close