Again and again and again.....

  1. Again. This never seems to end.

    My father.

    Only getting worse and I can't seem to take it anymore. My mom and I went to his place and it was the filthiest I have ever seen; my dad was covered with bruises and cuts and scrapes, there was stool on his clothing and emesis on his bathroom rugs - for who knows how long. We cleaned up a bit and I took the rugs home to be cleaned.

    My father has no food, as apparently his food stamp amount has been cut to $50 a month because he owns a car.....I haven't researched this but I wouldn't be surprised if it were true. So I went grocery shopping for him.

    He is drinking again, and taking ativan. We found 9 liters of vodka in the trash.

    The doc gives him 1 year. I feel like I should spend all this time with him because he is dying, but at the same time, I can't stand to see him like this.

    My mom joined Al-Anon and I bought a book from them which somewhat helps...but not enough. I want this pain to end. And when I think of the pain HE must be in, I can't take it. I am barely finishing my statistics course and school starts again in 3 weeks.

    I know I have talked about this before and it gets old, but this particular day I felt overwhelmed and needed to get this out.

    This is by far the hardest thing I have had to endure.
  2. Visit Q. profile page

    About Q.

    Joined: Mar '01; Posts: 7,470; Likes: 55
    Patient Education
    Specialty: 7 year(s) of experience in LDRP; Education


  3. by   LasVegasRN
    Susy, I don't know what to say. My heart goes out to you and your family, such an incredibly difficult situation. You know we're here...

    ((((((((((((((((((((( SUSY K )))))))))))))))))))

    Oh susy. It sounds as if you're doing all the right things, but doing all the right things doesn't take the hurt away. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to sit and watch him do this.

    If I could wave a wand and take away your hurt, I would. But I can't. I can only listen and send cyber hugs.

    Please know that I'm always here for you. PM, IM, email, whatever.


  5. by   Rustyhammer
    It is hard not to pass judgement on someone you love who just happens to be on a self destructive path.
    I will try to offer you positive energy and I hope you find the understanding that will get you through this hard time.
    The best way to teach is by example and the only true love is unconditional love.
    I have a candle lit on this day to remind me of your dillema and to offer you hope that your father will find his way.
    Love and Peace,
  6. by   hoolahan
    ((((((((Suzy)))))))) Been there. Only I was 16, yet I still felt guilty, "maybe if I had visited him more..." My dad had a lot of money, but he still didn't have food, he didn't bother eating. If he ate, it was at the bar. He had moved to a teensy apartment, no furniture really, and when he started to describe his prositute adventures to me, I just couldn't go back.

    He died 8 months after that. It took me a long time to get over it, but I realize now, he was an adult, and made his choices. I can't be held responsible for his choices, only he can.

    Listen, I would be the last person to recommend a book, b/c I hate when people recommend those self-help books to me, BUT, there is a wonderful book, called "Recovery: Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Gravitz and Bowden. I just checked, it is still available (pub 1987) at and is only $9, ships in 24 hours. I learned alot from reading this book, very freeing.

    Only other thing I can say is just do the best you can, you are only human, and can't help your emotions. We'll be here for you.
  7. by   Jenny P
    AL Anon was my salvation when my son was on drugs, and also for dealing with my brother. Their small pink daily mediations book was especially helpful for me to learn that I couldn't change others' behaviors, but I could change how I felt about it and how I dealt with them.

  8. by   BadBird
    I wish I had some words to comfort you, I am so sorry for your pain, I can not imagine what you are going through. I don't know if I would have the strength to go back and see him again self destruct time and again, your Dad will have to face his demons himself. Hang in there.
  9. by   nurseratchett29
    I have (unfortunately)) had to deal with this my whole life. I have lost several people in my life to addiction and alcoholism. You cannot help those who don't want to be helped or are not ready to be helped. They either get it, or they don't. That may sound harsh, but it comes from experience. I've been on both ends of this and feel horrible for you, Susy. All you can do is be there for him, and HOPE.

  10. by   CATHYW
    Oh, Suze! My goodness, how hard this must be for you. We nurses are so used to being able to "fix" things for others that it is almost unbearable to sit by and watch and do nothing as your Dad rolls down the road of self-destruction. Rusty and Hoolihan were right-he is making his own choices, even though they are alcohol-soaked, and all the love in the world can't change it.

    I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. We are here for you.
  11. by   Q.
    Thanks for the replies.

    Again, I am not looking for "poor Susy" as I believe I wrote this about 6 months ago ( I was working on a paper and my sis went to a psychic and told me that the psychic said he would die before THIS Christmas....)
    I have always been quiet in person but have loved to write, and seeing my words in print have always made me feel better - more human. But again, I really, really love all of your words.

    Hoolihan, thanks for the book recommendation. Oddly enough, the simple act of purchasing the book made me feel like I did something..

    Rusty, your words are so true. Painful, but true.

    The next time I post about my father I only hope it is because his pain has finally ended.
  12. by   kaycee
    Don't know what else to say but{{{{{Susy}}}}} and your family!
  13. by   moonchild20002000
    My heart goes out to you! It is such a difficult thing to watch someone you love so much take a self destructive path. It makes you feel so helpless.I don't know of anything to say to make it better for you,just know we are all here to listen to you.
  14. by   hoolahan
    Good Suzy, I am glad. PM me when you get it and have read a little to say if you liked it or not. It's really easy to read in Q&A format, so it's easy to read a chapter, and reflect on it for a bit, then go back the next day and read a bit more.