Advice on child support

  1. My husband and I have been married since Nov 2001 and this whole time he has not been supportive of his family. We have two children and at this point he owes me 14, 000 in child support, but this doesn't seem to phase him in the least. I have done everything to help him. Right now, he is in school for computer aided drafting and this is the only thing he has done consistently. He has had over 45 jobs, he's only 27, and he never kept one for more than a month; well actually he did keep one for eight months ONCE. That is actually the only reason we got married. After I had our first child at 20 and I was pregnant again at 22, I saw he was not going to do anything, so I made an ultimatum; you get a job and KEEP it for six months AND get a car AND we get married, or we go our separate ways. Well, like I said he kept the jobs 8 months, but he lost the car ( that I gave him the down payment for) because he never made the payments. My husband is very manipulative and I'm too nice and forgiving---a BAD combination. He had me feeling so sorry for him in the beginning of the relationship. I found out he tried to kill himself over his girlfriend before me and he actually tried to kill himself over me too( at least he made it look that way). He has everyone feeling sorry for him and everyone helps him out. He tells everyone how awful I am to him, but I am the one who worked two full time jobs to get into school and now I go to school fulltime and work 29 hours a week to take care of my children and me. He on the other hand does nothing but go to school and will not get a job. That brings me to the child support issue. Like I said he owes me over 14,000 and is supposed to give me 500 a month. I have received one payment of 98.00 in 2004 and that was from paycheck withholding, not him voluntarily paying it. I was told to put out a body attachment on him and basically he will go to jail and stay there until he pays the 14,000 or gets the judge to accept a lump sum for less and then make a plan to pay the rest. I feel guilty because my kids don't know what's going on and how do I expalin to them he is in jail because of me? They ask where he is all the time and am I supposed to lie or do I tell them what happened. They are only 3 and 5. I only learned of this option tonight from a police officer and I thought she made a good point whaen she ask why should he be walking around free and going to school when he has two kids and a wife that he owes over 10,000 dollars to. I agree, but like I said, I didn't even know I could put an order out to have him arrested because no one told me. He doesn't have a job, so I haven't even called the child support office--what would I tell them? I did call and tell them about a job I found out he had, but he just quit. I'm so frustrated, because I have to move to Memphis to go to nursing school and I need $2500 and of course he is no help. I did think of one thing though--if he were put in jail and his family members felt sorry for him, maybe they'd put up the money and then I'd have enought to go. At this point, I will have to piece together all the money I can. I have been praying about this and I hoped maybe that that was the answer. I don't know though. Sorry I've been rambling, but really I'd like to see if anyone else has been through this and if maybe you had some suggestions on
    1) What to tell my children?
    2) Does anybody know if he will actually be arrested if I put the order out, most people say it never happens.
    3) Does anybody know if being reported to the Treasury Offset Program affects federal grants. I know they will withhold tax returns, but he doesn't file them even when he has worked. He gets grants for school from the government, so will they withhold that and give it to me toward his debt?

    Thanks for listening to me vent. At first, I was a little leery of moving, but maybe it's to get me away from him.
    •  
  2. 11 Comments

  3. by   weetziebat
    First I'd just like to say I'm soo sorry you are having to go through all this.

    I don't quite follow how he owes you $14,000 in back child support if you guys are currently married. Is this some kind of court order? How much longer does he have in school? Do you think it likely he will get and keep a job once he graduates? If you left him, how would he support himself?

    If he is arrested and goes to jail, how is he supposed to get the money to pay you? Unless his family is on your side, do you think they'd give him money to pay you? Especially if they would blame you for putting him in jail in the first place. I would be asking the police your questions about what the chances are that he would actually be put in jail - and kept there. Seems like they should be able to tell you what you can realistically expect to happen.

    As far as the children, at their ages I wouldn't think you'd need go into detail. Don't think I'd say anything about jail - that is not something they need to know at this point.

    I don't have a clue about the grants, but do have a question for ya. With you thinking about putting him in jail, and possibly taking the grant money away from him, as well as you and the children leaving, is he likely to get violent with you, or to try to kidnap the children and leave town, to get back at you?

    Sorry I can't be more help, but it sounds like you have been having a really rough time, and are doing a great job in going to school, working and raising your kids. Hope things work out for you. Please keep us updated. (((((Hugs)))))
  4. by   Jessy_RN
    I too am so sorry about your situation. Will pray for you and your family.
  5. by   Fun2, RN, BSN
    i can't say i totally know the feeling, but i've got my own personal experience with an idiot.

    my now 14 yr old didn't even know what child support was until she was in 7th grade. a friend mentioned about her dad paying c.s., in sixth grade, and my dd didn't know what she was talking about. it wasn't until the next year (7th grade) that her bio-idiot boasted about paying c.s. she came home and asked what c.s. was.

    so, i told her the whole story, about how he hardly paid for most of her life. yes he was paying then, but had only been paying steadily for a year.

    not once did i tell her that he was supposed to pay, not once did i tell her that he wasn't or that he was paying. i didn't bring her into the 'crap'...the bio-idiot did.

    he is only supposed to pay $180/month. he got all the way up to $20,000 owed to me before he landed a 'real' job, and he got 'caught'. they started taking the monthly c.s. out, plus interest each month. he never would get insurance on her.

    several years of him paying, he told me he "would not" get insurance on her because her last name wasn't the same as his...said it would be insurance fraud....that idiotic thought must have come from his mom.

    anyway, i put in for a review of his case because i had not done that ever, even when he wasn't paying for 10 years!

    what did he do? he quit his job! yes! he went and quit a good job that he had for about 5 years! the review didn't go through b/c he has no source of income (yeah right), but he's still accruing more. i sure hope he doesn't think he'll have to stop paying when she turns 18! think again! he will still be responsible for the back child support, and interest on the total amount of back child support....which will probably be $20,000 at least....

    to top it all off, he had the audacity to tell me that i needed to sign off for the back child support! no freakin' way! ....it wasn't, "will you please?" or "i'm having a hard time, would you consider...?" nope! it was "you need to sign off for the back child support!" h*ll no!

    my child can't stand him now. yes, she loves him, but can't stand *him*. she calls over to talk to her 2 brothers, who by the way now live with only their mom b/c they recently split up.



    as far as his loans, i think that he wouldn't get them. i'm not sure if anything would be given to you, or if he just won't be approved for them anymore.

    as far as being arrested, yes, people do, but it has to be passed certain other "slaps on the wrist." dl gets suspended, checks get taken, income tax check gets taken, etc....

    the last check i received from the bio-idiot was 8-1, and i think that was his income tax check....it had been almost 3 months before that since he quit his job.

    hmmm, it's been 3 months now, i'm going to call the attorney general's office to see what they are doing about it.



    it's really a catch-22. the money helps, but you can't rely on it. we always budget without it, and if it came in, we had extra....

    good luck to you, and i'm really sorry you are having to go through with this.


    anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a daddy.

    (of course, not many of them are "daddys".)
  6. by   SmilingBluEyes
    I have no wisdom here---- I just want to wish you the best. (((HUGE HUGS)))
  7. by   Lisa CCU RN
    To Weeziebat- He owes me child support because we do not live together and even when we did, we never supported us. I have a court order for the support. I'm not paying for a divorce because I'm not the one who isn't working or being faithful--he is. Why should I spent money on a divorce. So we remain married, yet apart. As far as him getting violent--no. He can't kid nap anyone because he has no car, no money--nothing. He has been alone with my kids enough (as recently as this weekend that if he wanted to do something like that he'd have done it. He is a con artist. He was mad both times I was pregnant and he claims I trapped him into getting married. Then later he denied it, but I guess I would know, I was there when he said it. He has no interest in my kids, he only puts on a show to make it look like he's trying. Like when he bought my kids shoes this August. One pair of shoes. he only does that to make it look like he's trying. I'm supposed to get $500, not 39.99 x 2 for shoes. So, no I'm not worried about him taking my kids and I'm not afraid of him. Actually, I'm counting on his ability to talk people into doing things to get his family or another female to pay his way out of jail so I can get my bad child support. Trust me, he can do it. And if he goes to jail, yes he can pay me my money all he has to do is get someone to loan it to him and then GET A JOB and start paying me and pay whomever back. Sending him to jail is a wake up call.

    To Fun 2 Care- Thanks for you response. I went to the CS office today and filed a contempt petition. The woman told me they can't keep his grant money even though I don't see why. He thinks all he has to do is go to school. WRONG! I go to school and work. Unfortunatly, he doesn't file income taxes, so I can't get that.
  8. by   ZASHAGALKA
    I just want to clarify one of your comments.

    If he goes to jail until he put up a bond that you get - that is not his kids' mommy putting him in jail.

    Let's be clear here.

    THAT'S HIS OWN IRRESPONSIBILITY PUTTING HIM THERE.

    I can't stand deadbeat dads. I'm a dad that's been divorced over 5 yrs and I have never, not one time, been late on child support. And I assure you my child support is much higher. And I pay for insurance, dentist, half of orthodontist, half of clothes, half of school lunches, half of orchestra instruments, most of field trip/pictures/yearbook money ($54 for a yearbook?! What gives!)

    What you tell your children is that daddy has to take some time to help them have the things they need. He hasn't been doing it, so he's taking a time out.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
  9. by   Lisa CCU RN
    Quote from ZASHAGALKA
    I just want to clarify one of your comments.

    If he goes to jail until he put up a bond that you get - that is not his kids' mommy putting him in jail.

    Let's be clear here.

    THAT'S HIS OWN IRRESPONSIBILITY PUTTING HIM THERE.

    I can't stand deadbeat dads. I'm a dad that's been divorced over 5 yrs and I have never, not one time, been late on child support. And I assure you my child support is much higher. And I pay for insurance, dentist, half of orthodontist, half of clothes, half of school lunches, half of orchestra instruments, most of field trip/pictures/yearbook money ($54 for a yearbook?! What gives!)

    What you tell your children is that daddy has to take some time to help them have the things they need. He hasn't been doing it, so he's taking a time out.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    LOL @ taking a time out. That made me laugh. Actually, I did tell my little girl that he is having trouble paying for things, but I didn't mention jail. I wish all dads were like you. I'm sure you child support payment is higher and I keep telling my I wish could be ex husband that 500 is not that much when you account for all I have to spend to raise these kids. Daycare is over 500 a month and I just spent 500 on a new wardrobe for my little girl because her clothes were too little. My son is being jipped because I can't afford clothes for him, so I get his second hand and from Walmart. There is nothing totally wrong with that, but my husband finds a way to get new shoes quite frequently from the mall, so why should my son have less. I'm gona have to buy uniforms for my daughter because her new school requires them. Is he gonna help? I think not not.
  10. by   ZASHAGALKA
    Quote from CRNASOMEDAY25
    LOL @ taking a time out. That made me laugh. Actually, I did tell my little girl that he is having trouble paying for things, but I didn't mention jail. I wish all dads were like you. I'm sure you child support payment is higher and I keep telling my I wish could be ex husband that 500 is not that much when you account for all I have to spend to raise these kids. Daycare is over 500 a month and I just spent 500 on a new wardrobe for my little girl because her clothes were too little. My son is being jipped because I can't afford clothes for him, so I get his second hand and from Walmart. There is nothing totally wrong with that, but my husband finds a way to get new shoes quite frequently from the mall, so why should my son have less. I'm gona have to buy uniforms for my daughter because her new school requires them. Is he gonna help? I think not not.
    LOL, oh, and we have work/custody arrangement (I work nights, she works days) that allows one of us to be w/ the kids at all times. So, she doesn't have to pay for daycare, either.


    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    Last edit by ZASHAGALKA on Nov 9, '05
  11. by   Fun2, RN, BSN
    Sometimes I get to the point that I want to post his pic online, put it in an e-mail and send it to everyone in the world!


    Timothy, good for you! I know that many men (and women) pay their child support, but that is only half of parenting. You sound like you are ver caring, love your children, and they know it.

    My dd on the other hand, gets a phone call once in a blue moon asking for her to come over that weekend, but the w/e comes, and no phone call.....uggh

    He didn't call her on her birthday until she turned 9, he's only been to a couple of birthday parties, and tried to say he's such a proud dad b/c he gave her a party one year at his house for his g/f family. (Probably the g/f's idea.)



    Doesn't people realize if you're old enough to have sex, you are old enough to take responsibility of the outcome, and that when you know you're not paying child support, you say you do not care about your child's welfare? :angryfire At least a small amount says something.....
  12. by   weetziebat
    Quote from CRNASOMEDAY25
    To Weeziebat- He owes me child support because we do not live together and even when we did, we never supported us. I have a court order for the support. I'm not paying for a divorce because I'm not the one who isn't working or being faithful--he is. Why should I spent money on a divorce. So we remain married, yet apart. As far as him getting violent--no. He can't kid nap anyone because he has no car, no money--nothing. He has been alone with my kids enough (as recently as this weekend that if he wanted to do something like that he'd have done it. He is a con artist. He was mad both times I was pregnant and he claims I trapped him into getting married. Then later he denied it, but I guess I would know, I was there when he said it. He has no interest in my kids, he only puts on a show to make it look like he's trying. Like when he bought my kids shoes this August. One pair of shoes. he only does that to make it look like he's trying. I'm supposed to get $500, not 39.99 x 2 for shoes. So, no I'm not worried about him taking my kids and I'm not afraid of him. Actually, I'm counting on his ability to talk people into doing things to get his family or another female to pay his way out of jail so I can get my bad child support. Trust me, he can do it. And if he goes to jail, yes he can pay me my money all he has to do is get someone to loan it to him and then GET A JOB and start paying me and pay whomever back. Sending him to jail is a wake up call.
    O.K. now I get it.

    I never thought my first husband capable of doing anything like I mentioned, but he actually went to my daughter's school and tried to take her from class. He was trying to get back at me for leaving him. Thankfully, the teacher suspected something was awry and wouldn't let him into the classroom.

    My ex was an awful lot like your dh, so I have some idea of all the aggravation you are going through. Unfortunately, they don't seem to change unless/until they want to, which usually has nothing to do with you or the children involved. My ex now has his own business, but he didn't get it till after I finally divorced him. While we were married he never worked for more than a month at a time, and then at minimum wage jobs, and I had to scream and threaten to get him working then.

    I sure hope you can come up with something that will be a 'wake-up' call for dh, and get him to grow up and take responsibility.

    Timothy, can only say how I wish more fathers were like you. Whether a marriage works or not, the children deserve two parents who both want the best for them, and are both willing to work to make sure it happens. I'll never understand how easy it seems to be for so many dads to just walk away.........
  13. by   CseMgr1
    I feel for you. While there were a lot of things wrong with my ex-husband, he NEVER missed one single payment during the twelve years he was obligated to pay child support, and even helped out without any complaints, when our son needed extra money for field trips, Band Camp and so forth. I just don't understand these so-called men who bring children into the world and then pretend as if they were never born. Just abominable. :angryfire
    Last edit by CseMgr1 on Nov 12, '05

close