Advice needed please

  1. Don't quite know how to talk about this, and will probably ramble on a bit, but here goes:

    Just found out hubby has been having an affair. Apparently not the first time, but of course I am the last one to find out (others now tell me that they assumed I already knew, as everybody else did).

    Don't need advice on what to do, he's had one chance and blew it, but my problem is he is out of town for the week with work.

    Now, do I (a) ring him and confront him in his hotel room?
    (b) wait until he gets home and get stuck into him? or
    (c) just leave now, and let him find the note when he gets home next week?

    Complicated by the two children - 9 and 11 - and the fact that all my family are 2000 km away, so I can't just go home to my mum.

    All support, advice and offers of ball-kicking will be gratefully received.

    Have just finished my first bottle of wine, and am now off to open a second.
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  2. 32 Comments

  3. by   RNinICU
    Vegas and I will be right there with brick filled purses in hand to do some a**whoopin for you.

    Seriously, I wouldn't confront him over the phone, it's too easy for him to lie that way, and that will give him time to think of ways to try to dissuade you from leaving when he gets home. I would go for the face to face, but if he is the type to try to influence your decision, that may not work for you. How persuasive is he, and how easily are you swayed by his promises? If you confront him in person, is he going to apologize, and beg forgiveness, or try to lie to you? Will he try to work on the kids to get them on his side? If you think he might try to influence you, it might be better just to leave him a note. You will have to face him eventually, but doing it this way might give you a little more time to sort things out for yourself. Whatever you decide to do, please remember that you have friends here who are always willing to listen, and provide a shoulder. You will remain in my thoughts. ((((((((((OzNurse69))))))))))
  4. by   OBNURSEHEATHER
    As usual, RNinICU has said it well. Don't do the phone thing. I know you're full of anger right now and want to use that to your advantage, but it will only give him time to cook up some half assed crap to feed you when he gets home. I would also go for face to face, because I would HAVE to see his face and watch him squirm, but I'm evil like that.

    If you are easily persuaded by him, I would just let him come home and find you gone. Don't let him have a chance to turn on the charm, an often successful last ditch effort that men use. But if you can be strong, go for the face to face.

    You're in my thoughts hon. Please PM me if you need anything or just need to vent.... :kiss

    Heather
  5. by   Aussienurse2
    Hey sweetie, am in Maryborough if you need a hand let me know. Have a friend up here who's just waiting for us to buy our new house so she can rent mine! Seems to be catching at the moment....... Have come to the conclusion that men just suck. Come up and we'll get pissed together babe!
  6. by   LasVegasRN
    << Booking flight for down under with RNinICU >>

    Ditto to all of the above. Stay strong, know what your rights are (now may be a good time to see a divorce attorney and get things started) and above all, cyber shoulders are here!
  7. by   ptnurse
    Make it as easy as possible on yourself and your kids. After all he is the screwup. Let him suffer. If you can't decide between the phone call and just leaving then why not do a combination. Call him and tell him what you know and that he should not bother to come home because the locks are changed. Then change them. Let him be the one to have to worry about where he is going to sleep.
  8. by   live4today
    Oznurse69.......first......((((((((((((hugs...big hugs)))))))))))) :kiss

    Second........go immediately to OBHeather's thread titled "Girl Power" and beat the living crap out of those "bananas" there. Trust me......you'll love it so much you'll become addicted to it like I have become addicted to it!

    Third........I have been through a divorce from a man I was married to for over 18 years......and three children were born of that marriage. He thought it was okay to have his "cake and eat it too".....had a mistress who knew about me (they worked together)........she had been divorced before herself and left with one child of her own to raise so she knew all the ropes about how to handle the end of a marriage.......so the kids and I lost out big time financially.

    Fourth.....do NOT leave your home because he can get you for "abandoning the marriage". Do NOT ever give a man a reason for building HIS CASE against you. Pack his shick and put his stuff outside on the back porch, or in the front lawn for all I care. Change the locks on your home, and stay put while you THINK THINK THINK about your next SANE move. Do NOT act out of anger......anger only ends up destroying you and filters down to the children. You don't want that do you? Of Course you don't. Just do what Cheerfuldoer tells you to do, and things will ALWAYS go in your favor. I've been there where you are and know the ropes.......just like my ex's mistress knew the ropes to cover their azz and leave me and the kids high and dry. When you learn from the "devil himself", you know what to do to make him the worm.....who squirms.....not you and the kids. TAKE CHARGE......TAKE COMPLETE CHARGE OF YOUR SENSES and everything will work out exactly to the best interest of your kids and yourself. He will regret he ever breathed in your direction.

    My current husband may or may not be having an affair. I have NO PROOF WHATSOEVER OF THIS.......just wondering why his well is so dank dry lately. We get along EXCEPT FOR SEX! I want it.....he doesn't want it as much as I do......he's a once a month guy.....twice if I'm lucky.:stone

    And.....BTW......men will deny deny deny.....even when presented with proof.....like I had on my EX.......he denied.......even had the gall to tell the judge the guy in the photo with "his mistress" wasn't him. And boy.......THAT pizzed the judge off big time!

    We have no kids, so I can do whatever is best for me in this situation, and I do NOT allow him to talk me into doing anything I don't want to do. You.....have your children to protect. I'd like for you to email me....send me your email address via my "PM" and I will email you from my personal email box. I've got LOTS to share with you to help you before ditso comes home to you and the kids. Meanwhile.....breathe......keep breathing.....and whatever you do.......DON'T OWN YOUR HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR.....IT'S HIS......ALL HIS......YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT!!! :kiss
    Last edit by live4today on Oct 8, '02
  9. by   kittyw
    ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I've been there too!

    Ditto what everyone has said... only thing I can add is to call an attorney... Get your bases covered!! Get whatever you may need for your case before your hubby knows that you know. I wouldn't let him know that you know until you've talked to an attorney. Watch your back (and WHACK!! )

    We need to rent a plane to down under .... the brick is in my purse already.... just need to visit the liquor store.
    Kitty
  10. by   LasVegasRN
    Originally posted by kittyw
    ...We need to rent a plane to down under .... the brick is in my purse already.... just need to visit the liquor store.
    Kitty
    Wait a minute, I thought our rented Allnurses Smackdown Plane stewards (seen here in our VIP section of the plane) serve booze before, during and after the flight?:
  11. by   kristi915
    I'll add a stack of bricks to my purse!!

    I know, I know, I'm not married, but I have some Idea of what it's like to be cheated on. You can't overreact, you can't act out of anger like Renee said, you really just have to stay calm and if you make a decision of what to do, you need to think about how it will affect you in your future...

    Renee has some really great advice here, I suggest doing what Momma Renee says!!!
  12. by   kittyw
    Originally posted by LasVegasRN
    Wait a minute, I thought our rented Allnurses Smackdown Plane stewards (seen here in our VIP section of the plane) serve booze before, during and after the flight?:
    Need booze for getting to the airport & after (Calling the taxi now) But I'd take some booze served off of those guys!
  13. by   Robin61970
    Cheerful is right......change the locks and put his PERSONAL stuff out....clothes only....let the courts sort out the rest. In Arkansas it is a community property state so it's all halfsies......find out what it is like there. Call an attorney ASAP.....take half the money from all bank accounts. Think about other things as well.......are the bills....utilities and such in his name or yours? Would he shut them off? Maybe you should transfer them to your name if they are in his.....anyone else have any ideas??
  14. by   Rena RN 2003
    get attny. take out half of the savings/checking now before he has a chance to get it. put his sh*t on the porch. when he wants to know "why you're doing this?" show him the concrete proof you have and tell jack to hit the road.

    i'm not usually a confrontational type individual but i'd gladly come kick his cheatin' @ss for ya.

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