A Woman's Week at the Gym :)

  1. [font='comic sans ms']a woman's week at the gym[font='comic sans ms']
    if you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. this is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
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    dear diary,
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    for my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
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    purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
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    although i am still in great shape since being a high school
    [font='comic sans ms']football cheerleader[font='comic sans ms']43 years ago, i decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it[font='comic sans ms']a try.[font='comic sans ms']
    i called the club and made my reservations with a personal
    [font='comic sans ms']trainer named belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. [font='comic sans ms']
    my daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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    started my day at 6:00 a.m. tough to get out of bed, but found
    [font='comic sans ms']it was well worth it when i arrived at the health club to find belinda waiting for me. she is something of a greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. woo hoo!! belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. i enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. very[font='comic sans ms']inspiring![font='comic sans ms']
    belinda was encouraging as i did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. this is going to be a fantastic week-!!

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    i drank a whole pot of coffee, but i finally made it out the door.
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    belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! my legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but i made the full mile. belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. i feel great-!! it's a whole new life for me.

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    the only way i can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. i believe i have a hernia in both pectorals. driving was ok as long as i didn't try to steer or stop. i parked on top of a geo in the club parking lot.
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    belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
    [font='comic sans ms']bothered other club members. her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is very annoying. my chest hurt when i got on the treadmill, so belinda put me on the stair monster. why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. she said some other sh[font='comic sans ms']*[font='comic sans ms']t too.
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    thursday :
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    belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. i couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
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    belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. when she was not looking, i ran and hid in the restroom. she sent another skinny b
    [font='comic sans ms']*[font='comic sans ms']tch to find me.[font='comic sans ms']
    then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which i sank.

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    friday :
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    i hate that b
    [font='comic sans ms']*[font='comic sans ms']tch belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. if there was a part of my body i could move without unbearable pain, i would beat her with it. [font='comic sans ms']
    belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. i don't have any
    [font='comic sans ms']triceps! and if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. the treadmill flung me off and i landed on a health and nutrition teacher. [font='comic sans ms']
    why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    [font='comic sans ms']saturday :[font='comic sans ms']
    belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why i did not show up today. just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. however, i lacked the strength to even use the tv remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

    [font='comic sans ms']sunday :[font='comic sans ms']
    i'm having the church van pick me up for services today so i can go and thank god that this week is over. i will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh
    [font='comic sans ms']*[font='comic sans ms']t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. i still say if god had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
  2. 4 Comments

  3. by   nursemary9
  4. by   suzy253
    love it!!!
  5. by   bethin
    Tears are pouring out of my eyes and I have the hiccups.

    I really needed that laugh.
  6. by   zuzi
    looooooooooool so fun, love it and poor pinky Belinda need to learn how to deal with women....looooool