Ding, Ding, Ding, DONG
People file in to their seats, all dressed up in their greatest finery
, clean shoes, and neat hair)
The lights dim from the massive chandilere(SP?) up on the ceiling...
Eh hem.... (tap tap tap like a conductor)
The stage lights flash bright... and this is how the opera went...
(curtain opens to a nurses station, its crowded, and there are no chairs, people bumping)
Nurse 1: (to nurse 2) This is whats the matter with your Patient!
Nurse 2: oh no, oh no!
n1: Low BP! Here's the keys!
n2: How can it be?
n1: You'll just have to fix it!
n2: Oh POO!
n1: Oh yes, that too!
n2: You dont mean...
n1: Yes, I dooooooo!
n2: no you dont!
n1: Yes, I do.....
(lights change, stage goes nastilly green
n1 and n2: C-Diff!!!!
n2: (quietly) yuk...
(stage goes black)
(lights up, interior patient room, 2 patients side by side, one on left on ventilator and 1 IV pump, one on right, lying in bed, IV running through a pump into one arm, PCA pump attached, and a wanderguard in the other. he should also be wearing a vest restraint)
(note, n2 is to be wearing a locator badge, 2 beepers and a cellphone, each able to beep at a different tone, the pace is very quick)
n2: (to patient on right) Hello! My name is Betty!
P1: and I'm president nixon! (waves wanderguard arm around, causeing an alarm to have a fast, high pitched beeping)
n2: Put your arm down!
(p1 does, and p2's vent starts doing the whistle siren)
presses button and all beeping stops.) ok... Stay in bed...I'll be right there!
p1: (screams) Where's my pudding? (rips out iv, pump starts screaming)
n2: (snaps on gloves, with audible snap) spins to p1) Oh damn, Oh darn, another thing to do!!!
vent starts to beep again, doing that odd whistle vents are tend to do)
(n2 starts going back and forth as if she was watching a tennis match... each time stopping one alarm as another one starts. At this point, her beeper should go off, playing a tune, as she looks down at the beeper, p1 takes off vest restraint and gown in a houdiniesque way, and stands on bed)
p2: (dancing, in only a diaper, the worst elvis impersonation you've ever seen) Hunka hunka burning love!
(now, each alarm goes off, together it is sounding not unlike techno music...)
n2: What a mess!
(cut to black, curtains down,llights up, intermission)
(30 seconds later)
Bong bong bong... DING
(heck, these are nurses... they have peed and eaten, and still had time to talk)
(curtains up to the nurses station again)
(n2 is on the phone, with an intern... we can see him on the other side of the stage, like a cutscreen. The intern is not of american descent, and speaks with a heavy foreign accent)
n2: Doctor, we need you to see this patient!
Doc: I dont want to see him! I'm on Dinner!
n2: You're done eating... Get your butt down here!
doc: I'm not coming. Call Dr Bob!
n2: Forget bob bub, I'm calling your Resident, doctor jeckyll!
doc: ok, ok... I'll be there soon!
(the stage freezes, the wall clock advances 60 minutes)
n2: He hasnt come yet... darn... darn... DARN!!!
(another random nurse walks up to the nurses station)
n2: What could it possibly be... I'm busy!
n3: (very singsong, and sweet, not unlike a birdsong) Your doc is outside, I saw him, he's been fooling around with a few of the others.... with a HACKY SACK!
n2: thank you, thank you! I"m calling dr jeckyll!
(n2 picks up phone and speakes into it
Hello operator, can you page Dr Jeckyll to this number? Yes.... Thank YOU!
(lights down, spot light up in front of nurses station, with Dr J and the Doc with the nurse in a small group.)
DrJ: Why didnt you call earlier!
doc: The patient wasnt bad!
n2: You never came!
DrJ: Is that true?
doc: Definately, absoutely, positively not
n2: He lies, He lies, he lies!!!
drJ: Prove it!
holds up chart full of documentation): Patient was bad, Doc Aware, Awaiting.... MD.... Q10 minutes, with bad vitals... getting worse....
DrJ: (seems to grow under his labcoat, incredible hulkesque)
(lights come up P2 is wheeled in front of the trio stage right to stage left)
n2: thank god he's still alive!
n2 and drJ: He nearly Crunked!
(DrJ and doc leave together stage left)
DrJ: (right before they go offstage) TRUST YOUR NURSE!
(Fade to black, n2 with arms crossed shaking her head)
(Fade up, back at nurses station n2 and n4- the recieving nurse at the end of the shift are at nurses station)
n2: its ok, I got rid of the crunker!
n4: Good story though I didnt want to have another one that was a junker!
n2: just watch your patient in that room!
n4: another one??
n4: what do you mean, no?
n2: He's a hunka hunka burning love!
n4: love, love... no, not another elvis!
n2: Oh yeah!
(cut to black, lights up to living room a couch behind a tv)
(n2 at home, in slippers and robe)
n2: At home again, at home... lets look at the TV.... oh no.... not ER!!!
cast out for final bow...
sigh.... just another night