A chuckle a day...

  1. Need a laugh? Try these on for size...

    Newspaper humor
    The newspaper must love unexpected humor from the public. Here are a few
    real classified ads run in various newspapers across the country.
    Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
    Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
    Free puppies... part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
    German shepherd, 85 lbs. neutered. Speaks German. Free.
    Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out awhile... better be a
    1-man, 7-woman hot tub - $850/or best offer
    Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.
    Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale.
    Nordictrack $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
    Hummers - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
    Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents/lb.
    Nice parachute: never opened - used once.
    Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
    flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
    Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
    Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.
    Open house: body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
    For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
    Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
    last month. Wife knows everything
  2. 5 Comments

  3. by   anitame
    OMG I'm trying not to pee my pants. :chuckle :chuckle
  5. by   pickledpepperRN
    We all need to keep smiling at the moment, these 'howlers' will help!!
    Apparently, the following were answers provided by Year 11 students during
    a History examination in the UK. Watch the spelling! Some of the best
    humour is in the mis-spelling.

    1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
    They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all
    the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

    2) Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
    bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up Mount
    Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached

    3) Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

    4) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
    wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

    5) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
    advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After
    his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
    6) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits
    and threw the java.

    7) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
    The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
    king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee Hee Brutus".

    8) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.

    9) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
    When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah".

    10) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenburg invented
    removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
    circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
    cigarettes and started smoking.

    11) Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

    12) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
    He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
    much money and is famous only because of his plays. he wrote tragedies,
    comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are
    an example of a heroic couple. Romeos last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

    13) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
    wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton who wrote
    Paradise Lost. His wife died and he then wrote Paradise Regained.

    14) Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
    Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
    of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
    rubbing two cats backward and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot
    stand" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    15) Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent. Lincolns mother
    died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
    hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
    Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865 Lincoln went to the Theatre and got shot
    in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
    assinator was John Wilkes Booth a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booths

    16) Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
    number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
    kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
    composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half-German, half-Italian
    and half-English. He was very large.

    17) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
    wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
    calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    18) The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
    People stopped producing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
    The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
    Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
    hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a
    naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio.
    Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
  6. by   jnette
    Ain't it grand?! Out of the mouthes of Babes... too cute !

    Thanx !
  7. by   Sable's mom

    Oh my! These are great!