"far away mom" blues!!!!!!!

  1. Hi there,

    I live less than an hour from where i grew up. My dad still lives in that area with my youngest brother Justin, who is 17 next week. My other younger brother who is 22, married with a son, lives 20 min. from me.........

    The big problem is that my mom lives in California. My parents split up 5 years ago after 23 years of marriage. My mom fell in love with a guy a work.......Dave. She changed sooooo much, her looks and her personality. I took the whole situation really bad, cause I saw it all, i knew all the details, i saw my dad hurting, and my mom was the "bad guy" . I didn't talk to her for 6 months, which was difficult also since i was living with my moms sister at that time, 5 min. away from mom and dave. Justin (my brother), who was 12 at the time chose to live with my dad, although he was seeing my mom once in a while in visits. They were on good terms, but he was still secretly hurting a lot!!! After 6 months, i called her and "accepted" it, although i didn't like it, I had to accept it, if i ever wanted my mom to be in my life, so i put on a happy face. I like Dave and his kids, but it all just hurt so much!!!!!!

    Dave has 2 kids and one step daughter (whom he raised as his own).In 1998, Just over a year after Mom and Dave got together "officially", dave applied for fun to a computer job in california. (we are all from Montreal, canada) He has experienced a lot and he is very intelligent. He got a great job on the spot, paying alot of $, although the area is very expensive to live in.
    I don't think dave would have moved if his kids couldn't go with him, yet mom just left her kids. I didn't expect to go too, I am and was at the time independent, but my brother was 12 when she left

    Now i am 25, my mom has become a grandmother since she left, justin is almost an adult, and we only see our mom at weddings and funerals. This year, i saw her alot, cause she got married here in june, My other brother got married in October, and my uncle died last year.........I don't feel like i have a mom anymore, she is missing out on everything! She is now the step mom of 2 younger kids, and she plays the role of their mom, yet she is my cyber mom and i hardly know her or her new family anymore. Daves x wife doesn't want anything to do with her kids, therefore my mom is now their mom, which would be fine if she didn't live in another country from her own kids!

    She seems like her whole life revolves aroung him and when i talk to her she usually seems disinterested in what I have to say.

    I can accept that my parents aren't together anymore, i just wish she was closer, I have been to San Fran twice since 98, but i can't afford to spend all my vacation time going to the same place all the time. I went a year and a half without seeing her when she first moved.

    Not only did she give up on her kids, she also left her friends, she only knows people Dave knows, she gave up her right to work, she was not allowed to work in the USA, until recently, but she doesn't work, her everyday life consists of running errands for dave and the kids, cooking (which she hardly did with a smile when we were little), and going to the gym. She is just no longer the person that I knew, and thsi bothers me.

    Dave knows how I feel, we had a very long talk 2 days before the wedding, but he didn't tell my mom anything, and she didn't ask about it, even though my little brother was crying........His crying started my conversation with Dave.

    She is really in her own world, and I am happy that she seems happy, but aren't we important to her anymore???? She won't be there when I buy my wedding dress, or make any plans, she won't know my kids when i have them. My mom and I were very close before my parents split up, after I moved out of the house, she was starting to be more like a friend.

    The thing that has triggered these emotions is that time is going by......she thinks I am nuts for staying in Quebec cause my dad and family are here. I am now very close to my dad, and i would not move far away cause we never know how much time is left, and I want to see him as much as I can. My parents aren't old (20 years older than me), but no one knows what will happen in life).

    I returned 2 days ago from a trip to Mexico alone with my mom for 2 weeks. This was my nursing school graduation present, I am grateful for it, but it doesn't replace having a mom around to do every day life things with. We ended up having a fight after a few days in Mexico, I exploded telling her most of things that I have written in this post. She didn't say much, I did all the talking, so nothing was resolved, except now she knows why justin was cring a few days before her wedding and why I am upset.

    I know she is proud of me, but this trip upset me more than I thought, cause I realized how much she has really changed, and when we said bye at the airport, it was something, cause for the first time in a while, we don't know when we will see each other next, whereas in the last year, we knew the weddings and this trip was coming up. The next time I see her will probably be my wedding day, and I don't know when that will be.

    I get jealous when I see moms and daughter christmas shopping, and I cry all the time when I think about it.

    I just needed to let this out, I am hurting a lot!

    I need my mom as a friend now, as I get older........she was very close to my grandma before she died, my mom has robbed me of having that relationship........

    sorry, like I said I needed to let out the steam, any advice would be appreciated!

    Michelle


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  2. 1 Comments

  3. by   annies
    Michelle,

    Give your mother and yourself the gift of time.

    You've told her how you feel, let her absorb it and think about it. Keep in touch with her and let her know you want to see her and want her to be in your life. You can ask for her time and attention, you are her daughter.

    Two of the most wonderful inventions in all of history were the telephone and email. USE THEM.

    Perhaps as time goes by you will begin to understand her choices (doesn't mean you have to embrace them).

    Follow your heart.

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