Mother's Day ended Nurses Week. At the end of it all, I felt as though I have absolutely nothing else to give. I am very angry with my mom, extremely disappointed in my adult daughter, and I won't even 'go there' with life as a med-surg float RN.
I begged, pleaded, bargained, you name it and I did it for years with my mom to take care of herself; not just for herself but for me, too, because I am the only daughter of four children, (and I just happen to be a nurse), so if anything happened to her, there would be no one to help her but me. Well she didn't listen, she is TOTALLY dependent upon me for her care. Without going into great detail, I will simply say that the only reason she is not in a nursing home is because my brothers and I are paying someone to take care of her at home.
I question some of her 'now' behaviors EVERY SINGLE DAY because I know of her past behaviors when she was in control of all faculties. Manipulation is an understatement when referring to her days gone by. My brothers never got to know her on an adult level because they went directly into military careers right out of high school. When they come to visit, I make sure she is not humiliated by making the 3-hr drive home to see to it that she is 'clean and dry' as they say. My daughter-in-law has done far more that we have asked of her or paying her to do but at 8-months gestation, she is VERY limited in what she is able to do and I wouldn't have that any other way! My ONLY daughter will NOT help out and I WILL NOT ask her to because I refuse to do to her what my mom did, is doing to me. (But she wants to be a nurse. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!!!??)
I had done such a great job in sparing my mom embarrassment that after subtly asking my brothers for help with her in recent years and them not seeing that anything was wrong, they finally agreed when I said that she would have to go into a nursing home. That's when they started listening because they knew that as MEAN as our mother was, there was no way that she would stand for that had been able to defend herself. Yet the expected phone call from her with lots of backlash never came.
Now my daughter has the same attitude and behaviors that my mom had for many years and I can't get her to realize that she is doing to her daughter (my granddaughter), what my mom has ultimately done to me. I am SO SICK of adults with the "I'm grown, I can do what I want" attitude that demonstrates nothing but irresponsibility and stupidity! I've tried using family members (immediate family) only before deciding on asking my daughter-in-law to take the job and my nephew, who is my brother's child and my mom's grandson, took my mom's car and stole her identity. My dad (divorced from my mom for years now), does want me to press charges "for the sake of the family". Really???? I feel like I'm a family of ONE!!!
I know I'm tired; cannot find a strong enough word for burnout and fed-up and right now as I type this, I really want to have my mom placed in a nursing home, have my daughter tossed into an insane asylum, grab my granddaughter and just moved to a beach in Florida. My job is PRN and last week, I had to call in on one of the ONLY TWO days that I work. That was to me a professional embarrassment to me, even though I'm fed up with nursing after nearly 30 years in the field.
I live 3 hours from my job; live 3 hours from my mom but I cannot find a job that is closer to home or mom that pays what this one pays while giving me the flexibility to be off because of the need to continually run to deal with my mom's issues. I have honestly had enough. I'm resigning myself to the STRONG BELIEF that by the end of the year, my mom will be living in the closest nursing home to where her sister lives. Since her sister barely gets around but still drives, she will only have to drive 5 miles to visit her and being that it is a small community, everybody in the nursing home knows everybody else; residents and staff alike.
Right now, I'm really trying to minimize the guilt because I truly feel like I gave it my best shot for the past 27 years! What has me perplexed is the fact that my parents insisted on my going to nursing school, it was NEVER my choice. Yet my mom failed to listen to my every suggestion even when her doctors confirmed what I was saying in every approachable way possible.
So, if there is a fellow nurse going through anything remotely similar to this, I truly empathize with you. All I want is to hear the words, 'Lynda, it's gonna be ok'. My family views me as a mountain of strength. I have to NOT react to so much professionally AND personally. There is no one to share my weaknesses with. This strong front is draining me. When do I get to cry?
(I'm sorry for any typos. I frequently edit my posts for grammar
but I don't have it in me right now.)
Thank you all for taking the time to read this.