Hi all! I am new here and was hoping for some advice! (Of course ) lol
MY dilemma. I am 54 years old & divorced for over 16 years. My son lives with his father in another state (25) I literally "Ran away" as I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago when he ended up in the Mental Hospital. I cared for him up until 2 years ago when I bolted I truly wanted to kill myself. I'm also a 3X cancer survivor and had a DX of bone cancer and kidney tumor (I am cured :-D ) SO I moved up north with a friend for 9 months trying to get my head together. Well out of the blue my first true loved found me on Facebook after 30 years and I was SO HAPPY He flew me to his state and I never left! Its been 6 months that we have lived together.
He has 2 daughters 1. 20 years old, going to college 6 hours away 2. Lives here full time and works part-time.
Problem is... #1 doesn't work part-time while in school and dad sends her several hundred dollars a month plus pays for her insurance and she wrecked her vehicle and he shells out the $$ to fix it as well. She is bubbly and sweet as she can be.
#2 Is very strange and I cannot feel close to her at all. I taught her to drive and she finally got her license a few months ago, her car is paid for and we insisted she get her own insurance since she makes quite good $$. When she is at the house she is on her phone all darn day and watching cartoons. Leaves a mess everywhere she goes, socks on the floor, drink cups on the tables, leaves her shoes wherever she wants. For her to do anything her father has to nag and its getting old. He wants me to feel this is my house but I don't feel it. Ive started asking her to do things and is pi$$es her off to no end. Their bathroom would gag a maggot. Tampons/pads all over, panties crotch-up.disgusting. If we have company they have to use our bathroom and go through our bedroom, which I hate. The bedrooms looks like an episode of hoarders. :-/
She also dresses and acts like a 5 year old. She spent the first 2 months flipping off her father and telling him "Bite me" Now she is dressing like a little toddler with pig tails to get her fathers attention. (odd) I do NO like hurting anyone's feelings and its been tough for me to insist they clean up after themselves and also #2 will text her father at odd hours after we have gone to bed for stupid stuff. (Bizzare)
SO anyway sorry for being so "long winded" :-/ But I am to the point where if he isn't insisting they help around the house and at least start helping with finances, I am going to leave. I love him more than anything but I cant see this enabling anymore plus he is bouncing checks/payments helping out the 20 yo. Said he told #1 that he would pay everything if she was a full time student and the other if she was also full time. But she has NO motivation to do anything and I just don't feel its right that they dont contribute at all to the household. He works his arse off and is in pain all the time and I see him picking up after them and not enforcing the rules and it burns me a new one lol
Any suggestions to solve this? He does listen to me but I feel like a first class witch. I suggested charging rent while #1 is home for summer to put towards a place of her own and for her to at LEAST work part-time while in college. Same for #2 who has plenty of $$ to get her own place and start acting like an adult :-/ We are getting up there and I so want us togeter them going on their own as well as contributing to the chores.
I made #1 clean the microwave and you would think I cussed her out! She started slamming things around. And HE pats her on the back "its ok hunny" and she will start crying. :-/ We are to have a sit down this weekend Any words of wisdom I would SOOoo appreciate!! HE does listen to me and side with me..eventually! lol Hugs
Apr 1, '16
You need to have a sit down with Dad first. If he isn't going to stand with you on the reasonable things, believe me, it will never work. I know, I'm there, and the kiddos don't even live with him. (In fact, saving $$ to get out now, at least I haven't married him and have to figure out divorce issues as well.) Make a list to discuss with him first and ask for his thoughts. Be direct and reasonable. They can clean up after themselves, and show respect. But if he isn't going to stand beside you, bail now before you end up miserable. Stand your ground, because if you give in, none of them, Dad included, will ever respect you.
Apr 1, '16
(I'm kind of wondering if this is an April Fool's post).
If not, then these are his kids and you can't swoop in and change him or them. If you don't want to live like this, I suggest you move. Might not be a bad thing to be on your own anyway.
I wish you luck.
Apr 2, '16
This is not a situation I would want to take on. I'd get my own place, live my own life. You have been through too much and deserve to be happy.