I'm starting a nursing program
this Fall (in one week!) and I think I've been feeling bummed out in this transition time because going back to school means "too busy to date."
I'm in my late twenties. I feel lonely sometimes. Yet the reality of marriage also scares me. I need to mature...
Recently, my brother started dating now. Sidenote: I realized that as a girl with an older brother, my brother is not really my friend anymore. It's natural. He grows up and gets married and starts his own family. I realized this only recently. It's still sad though that the closeness I wanted is not there between us. I was always the one calling him. He never calls me or hangs out with me. He lives about 30 miles away. Near yet far.
Another older friend is going on dates and I even set her up with someone. But that just means she's on her way, probably, to marriage. I'm happy for her. She wants to have her own family.
I just feel alone. I don't have any close friends. There are friends I could call up to talk to and they would be there for me, but I just don't have that one friend I can call any time, for any reason, without feeling like I'm burdening her or bothering her.
This is really vulnerable to say, but I can't think of someone to ask to be my maid of honor if I got married. Maybe bridesmaids, but maid of honor? Not really. Sometimes I get embarrassed by that and shove the thought away since I'm single and don't have to think about things like that.
So I'm going to a new school where I don't know anyone. I met some of them already through orientation. I know, friendships take time. As you get older though, it's just so hard to make real friends. Also, everyone was younger than me.
I live at home with my parents, not roommates. They are supportive, but not really, at the same time. They go to work and have their own concerns too. They are also not verbally or demonstratively affectionate, which I can't blame them for. It's just who they are as people. So I don't really hug anyone, like ever. Sometimes my mom. Don't get me wrong, my parents love me. I know that.
I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I just feel sad during this transition time, going back to school in my late 20s, single, facing the prospect of singleness for three years (the length of my program). I know, I'm being so silly! I shouldn't worry about tomorrow. I just feel sad, so much so that my immune system must have declined and I have a cold right now.
School and singleness.
Marriage is no picnic though. I am aware of that. So that makes me slightly anxious too. I already see how ugly I can be. I want to change. It's hard.
"Be patient with yourself. Trust God." That's what I tell myself.
If anyone is experiencing loneliness, Elisabeth Elliot's book on loneliness is a helpful read.