The wound that won't heal- anyone going thru/been thru a divorce?

  1. I'm just so tired, and feel I am running out of steam. I try my best to be positive and put on a brave front for my child, this divorce is hard on her also.

    I just feel so beat down at times. I have no home, no bed, a borrowed car. Over the next few weeks I'll have to find a place to live and even when I do, it will be completely empty save some clothes and toys.

    I'm bitter. I gave so much of myself in the relationship. It is over, no going back I can accept that. I didn't ask for this. He has cars, a house, no where near poverty level like myself. The anger creeps in and takes over me even though I try to keep it at bay.

    I should be happy to get a chance to start over with a somewhat clean slate, but it is a bittersweet feeling. I didn't want this, yet I have to deal with it.

    Please tell me it gets better. I'll be starting pre-reqs in the fall, in a new city, no family or friends. I don't mean to sound all 'woe is me' because I know there are many in much worse situations than mine.
    I just don't want to succumb to depression again at such a crucial time in my life.

    Anyone start over with nothing?

    Living a lifestyle of a single parent even though you didn't plan on it?

    How do you cope?
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    About dreamon

    Joined: Jul '03; Posts: 836; Likes: 258


  3. by   Chapis
    i haven't been through a divorce-yet-but just know that you're not the first not the last one to go throught this, and like you said, there are people in much worse situations than yours. if you go to a church i would seek counseling for you and your daughter and just remember to trust god, (if you believe in him), it will get better-will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
    god bless
  4. by   leslie :-D
    i'm sorry for your loss, dreamon.:icon_hug:
    try not to look ahead...
    or back.
    one day at a time, and yes, time will heal all wounds.

    wishing you much strength, faith and prosperity.

  5. by   nurseatrest1963
    I started a reply, hit a wrong button, and poof it was gone... shucks it was pretty good too! lol... well ... first Yes, many people have gone through similiar things... and I will tell you this... God is able, He brought your to this, so He can bring you through it too! And will... He will give you the strength to make it through this... though you feel alone... often in times of extreme difficulties this is when we find an inner strength, that can often be the push we need to overcome anything! I found myself in this same situation many yrs ago, with 3 small children.. living in a very old delapitated trailer... and if someone would pass through the door, they were often struck by how homey, and totally clean it was! (though all too often people do judge a book by its cover, and many parents wouldn't let their children play at our house---until they found out, I wasn't my circumstances, their children were safe etc.... preconceived notions I guess about poverty... anyway... I was in the hospital many times in a yr, with pneumonia/from asthma, and weekend immune system (steroids)...but it was during these times, that I got quiet, and heard His voice... felt His presence,,, and realized "hey, I can do this... I know a lot about respiratory, from the wrong side of the bed... I can be an RT! There were no real programs out there, that people talked about, to help you go to school... I had to research it, and found a program, that helped put me through school! Even paid for a watch, and white shoes stethescope, etc..! Yes, I was that broke! I didn't even have a car at first!... Got a student loan also, and bought a cheap car, to get me back and forth to school.... was absent a lot due to my COPD, but I studied very very hard, to keep my grades up, ended up with a 4.0... single mom, POOR, and all! Got a part time job during last half of school, and then a real job when I graduated with HONORS! I was one of the oldest students they had. 28 at the time, lol.... anyway, I developed a true career over time, my sister wanted to become a nurse, so I went back to school 9 yrs later, to help her get through school, she didn't think she could do it on her own.... Now, 13 yrs later, we are both nurses, and going strong!! I can't say it was easy... matter of fact, it was very difficult... but everything was worth it in the end! Anyway, yes.... it happens to many of us... and yes, often more difficult than anything we have ever had to go through... but TRUST in God... Lean on him, when you are tired, and KEEP ON KEEPING ON... and remember, don't sweat the small stuff... put your energies into the big stuff (smiles) and BELIEVE... you can do this!! If I did, anyone can
    Take care, GOD BLESS
  6. by   leslie :-D
    carly, you are an inspiration!
    thank you for your story.
    it truly meant a lot.

  7. by   Kolohe99
    Sounds like my friend; only she was 15 years older than you when she started over. She made it through mostly by her dogged perseverance and to a lesser degree by having the support of a good friend. She is now in her second year of nursing; met and married a fantastic guy; and is happier than she's ever been in her life. She has also accepted the fact that she will probably be on Wellbutrin the rest of her life.

    Make up your mind to stick to it; and find a friend. Keep in mind that in this electronic age a friend doesn't have to be someone where you live. There are many good friends here on AN that have never actually met.

    I wish you well.
  8. by   live4today
    (((((((dreamon))))))) You need that hug. I've been thru two divorces - one I knew about, and one I didn't; both times were painful for me to get through, especially divorce #2 because in spite of what he did to me, I still love him. Sad, but true. The first divorce left me a mother of three girls to raise as best I could. Being a single parent is no fun at all, and I truly wouldn't wish it on any woman. To my children, I became the "safe parent"...the one my kids vented to, vented on, made feel terrible at times, loved at other times, etc. I felt every emotion known to man, and became a living pain to myself -- mostly while trying to escape the pain dealt me by two men who swore to love me. Although divorce is ugly, painful, and cruel...survival comes to those who don't quit...those who keep on keeping on when you feel as though you can't go another step. In retrospect, my faith in God gets me through every day life challenges me with. Without my faith in God, I'm sure I would have died long time ago because the pain got "that bad" to keep going. If you ever need someone to vent to, to talk privately with, send me a private message. I will add you and your child to my prayer list. I will also pray for your estranged spouse. If he doesn't heal, your child will be wounded by his pain, too. I know. My kids are grown now. I see the devastating impact of the wounds he inflicted upon their their hearts...their emotions...still to this day.

    You asked if it gets better. Depends on how you handle it. Both of you have your child in common. Keep that foremost in your minds as your child grows up. Do not let your child become the tug of war between you and the ex. Divorce reaches far into one's future...impacting even their children's children. I know. I'm a grandmother, and witness that truth too often. Choose to make the end the beginning of something beautiful for out of much pain much beauty can grow...if you but choose to allow it to.
  9. by   nurseatrest1963
    All the posts above, brought back many memories.(ps--please excuse the typos, sometimes i don't catch them until I re-read everything later, my letter looked pretty pathetic, looks like I don't know how to spell lol, anyway)>
    I do have to agree with the one responder about the impact your decisions have on your children, and your grandchildren in the future. I will admit, I hated being alone, and found myself often focused on finding a man, the ONE man God has for me... big mistake... If there is such a fellow, God will bring him to you at just the right moment. I have seen that time and time again... Gods timing is always right on target. The other thing I would suggest is get connected...maybe in a church, or some other group...and find a mentor for your child... especially if your ex isn't very involved....if yall can be peaceful, and interact for the sake of your child try to do so....and even if you are angry, hurt, etc...try not to make negative comments about their father in front of them, or where they could possibly overhear your comments...They will figure out in due time their fathers character etc... and if they think you try to influence their feelings for their father, they can become very distant, and even screwed up over it all.... Luckily me and my ex's put the kids first, and didn't bad mouth eachother. The kids grew up believing their dad was as perfect as daughters want their dads to be! (But, as young adults they now realize he isn't perfect, and never was! LOL)...My daughters did ok with only seeing their dad during the summers, and sometimes at christmas for a few days... but they could have used a "mans"influence on their son on the other hand, he really really needed a father figure in his life... I wish I would have had a mentor (Godly male figure in his life,) that would have taught him all the details of becoming a man. His father was a real... hmm.. lets just say, not motivated, male influence, who didn't spend time with him.. teaching him the fine things a man teaches, ....building things, mechanics, riding 4wheelers, driving.. and on and on... He did get a little of that from my father, but he wasn't around son does have a wonderful heart though, because he was raised by girls, lol....he did eventually learn to be manly,... but is having a slow start at adulthood. Anyway, there are solutions for the problems that will come up... keep your eyes open, look, and listen as your children grow, and stay/get involved in their lives...yes, lol, you will have to become superwoman, and a jack of all trades, but YOU CAN DO IT! lol.... We women, can adapt, and overcome lol You are not alone. Take care, and God Bless
  10. by   VickyRN
    I have not personally experienced the devastation of divorce or betrayal by a trusted spouse. I have many friends who have, however. And I have walked with them during their grief. It's a long, hard process of recovery, but you will get there. The pain is very real and can't be circumvented. You must cry when you feel like it - tears are healing. Don't run from the grief. Trusted friends are essential. You need people who will love you and support you in this journey. One day, you will emerge on the other side. Best wishes to you. Know we care about you.
  11. by   Tait
    I didn't get divorced, but I did start over once. When I was 21 I had been following a bf around the state as he completed school, and then moved back in with his parents to wait for a job. We had a horrible relationship, but it took me 1.5 years to realize it.

    I finally left him, and was amid a mess of decisions to make. I was a waitress, no education and had the option to move back home with my mom.

    My aunt (whom I was living with at the time) asked me about my dreams. I told her I wanted to live in Madison, WI because I got this very good feeling everytime I was there.

    She looked me square in the eye, and said "then go".

    And I did. I worked for two weeks and saved every penny I could get my hands on, which amounted to about $950. I packed all I owned in my Ford Taurus and stayed with a very short term boyfriend for about a week. I rented a sweet little studio apartment in downtown from some very nice ladies and got a job waitressing. The boyfriend went the way most casuals go and soon I found myself on my own.

    I have been a loner by heart most of my life, very content with routines, and a quiet night with a good movie so overall it wasn't bad. I made enough money that when I decided to go back to school I was able to (with loans of course) and made quite a quiet place in my little one room apartment.

    Some nights were scary, such as when my drunk neighbors scary 50 year old bf rang my buzzer one night, and there were great nights hanging out with friends.

    It took me a long time to let go of my relationship from before, but the more things I did on my own, school/work/friends, the easier it got. I learned so much and found a lot of pleasure in my surroundings.

    I had a little place a few blocks away that served the best american fries and eggs, so I would take my book there in the early mornings and enjoy breakfast.

    I think the key to healing is to find peace in your surroundings. The apartment might be empty, but if you rent something small it won't feel so lonesome. Take comfort that your child is with you, and make that small space something cozy for the two of you, and always remember life is a work in progress. The TV might still be on a rubbermaid container for now, but when you finally get that nice little TV stand down the road it will make it mean that much more.

    Take pictures and just print them out at home, frame them and stick them everywere.

    It will all be ok, and it will get easier and easier. My mother was in shambles after her divorce in 1991, but now neither of us could imagine it any other way. She is happy, has a beautiful little country home, and some of my best memories (I was about eleven at the time) were in her little apartment with no couch, playing Nintendo games and eating pizza on the weekends.

    Best of luck,

  12. by   nurseatrest1963
    How do I get these UTUBE songs/messages, I don't want to lose them, WOW!...
  13. by   Moogie
    Healing from divorce is never linear. You take a few steps forward, then a few steps backward---but eventually you make progress.

    Divorce IS tough. You're not only changing your marital status, you're changing your way of life, your income, how you spend your time---everything. This is a stressful time for you because your whole identity is changing---plus you have the added stress of becoming a single parent.

    But you can survive. Reach out for support from your family and friends---but please don't be surprised if some say the "wrong" things. I think many people are uncomfortable with divorce and you may, unfortunately, have some friends who will stay away as if divorce is a communicable disease. You may find support in unexpected sources----your faith community if you are inclined to religious interests---divorce care groups (often in churches) that offer classes on surviving divorce. There may also be some types of support---financial or emotional---for your child when you return to school.

    An excellent book, albeit with a Christian flavor, is "Growing Through Divorce" by Jim Smoke. Excellent book---and I see he has written another about remarriage.

    You will get through this! {{{Dreamon}}}
  14. by   back2thebooks
    What you are going through is beyond words. I know. But, you HAVE to remember---you have your child and that is worth more than a million, bazillion dollars!!!!!!! Seriously. Those other 'things' in life will absolutely get better. Hang in there and try to rely on your faith, for sure.

    I am in a situation very similar to yours, but we are wavering back and forth on the 'divorce wire'. He has told me that he wouldn't let me have the kids (spite)----that is what is keeping me in the marriage right now. I absolutely CANNOT live without my babies. I would shrivel up and die of a broken heart. HAVE to have my babies. Hugs to you.